Would this upset you? Should I remove myself from my group of friends?

[erised24]

So basically I've been isolating since march, obviously haven't seen my group of friends at all in that time. My best friend and I message sometimes but that's about it, no phone calls or anything. I've always felt like most of them only hang out with me because I'm best friends with the one friend that they are friends with... I hope that makes sense? So they all knew my best friend before I did, then I came along and thought I fitted into the group. I've always been invited to parties and pub trips etc but again, always felt like I was asked because they felt obligated to because my best friend was going.

Now I've found out that a large chunk of the group have been having fun group video chats together with drinks etc (including my best friend) and I haven't once been asked to join or anything. I've not had anyone talk to me in these 3 months of lock down either. Is it stupid to feel kind of upset by this? I feel like I have no friends anymore and that I should just remove myself because it seems clear that I'm not really wanted.

So they all knew my best friend before I did, then I came along and thought I fitted into the group.

It sounds to me like they were originally a group of friends? So they still have that original friendship group in their mind. I don’t think it’s unusual for them to hang out together in that case.

I do think your best friend could have done more if she knew you were lonely and struggling.

You also need to step up and be proactive about things though rather than just sit around waiting to be invited to something. Have you yourself arranged any meet ups/zoom drinks in the 3 months of lockdown?

Yes, they were originally a group of friends. I became friends with them all about 5 years ago.

I have tried chatting to people yes, but the conversation usually gets cut short and I'm afraid of being that person who forces themselves onto people when it's not wanted. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to talk to me you know?

I have tried chatting to people yes, but the conversation usually gets cut short and I'm afraid of being that person who forces themselves onto people when it's not wanted. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to talk to me you know?

This is the way you can tell who is or isn't your friend. Friends put in equal amounts of effort to you. If they don't then stop. I was worried about doing this at first as I thought I'd end up with no friends, but honestly, if they don't care about you, you've lost nothing.

Maybe you could meet your friend (assuming she's putting some effort in.) You could go for a socially distanced walk, if that's allowed where you are? Even if you're in the shielded group or whatever I think this is allowed if you choose to do it. It might be worth seeing someone, it's good for your mental health and a walk 2m apart outdoors is very low risk.

They should have invited you imo. If they are your friends they should have included you. Have you asked your best friend about this? This has happened to me in the past where who I thought was a very good friend turned out not to be. I got a new phone number a couple of years ago and I didn't give it to her. I wanted to see if she would still contact me on messenger and she never has. I got sick of being the one who always made contact!

I was in exactly your situation. I got close to one friend in a very close nit group of 5 so was invited into the group invitations where I was welcomed. I ended up booted out of the group when I had a baby and most of them were at a different stage in their lives. I was disappointed but at the end of the day they were close first and had gone through lots before me. I still see the original friend and have ended up really good friends with one of the others but I don’t get group invites. It might only be one that doesn’t get you it can change the whole dynamic. If you aren’t included they as a group just aren’t into you and that’s ok find others that are.

Chatting to people 1:1 is different from arranging a group zoom drinks where everyone’s chatting together.

@Pipersouth ended up booted out of the group when I had a baby

literally the same situation. I'm also pregnant.

I haven't asked my best friend about it since I've only just found out about it but again, she's not really been interested in talking to me much through lock down...

Yes it would upset me too.
I would be mortified if I knew a friend was left out, lonely and struggling.
If you have known them for 5 years it seems long enough to know you would be hurt.
Lockdown has made people act in selfish ways sometimes.
You can either confront/ politely tell your friend you are hurt, but are you wanting an apology? Or to not be left out again?
Maybe as lockdown easier look for some other friends too, ones who would consider you when you need them. Maybe just stick to going to the pub etc with this lot.
So much for sisterhood though 💐

Sorry this has happened, it’s bound to make you feel glum even if the exclusion wasn’t intentional but congrats on your pregnancy, having a baby usually opens up different social doors. Have you signed up for ante natal classes? That’s usually a good starting point for making friends who are in the same situation as you and hopefully when the babies arrive you can form a baby group if you all get on.

@cheeseandpineapple thank you. Unfortunately no chance of anti natal classes here due to covid. All baby groups and classes aren't running right now.

Unfortunately no chance of anti natal classes here due to covid. All baby groups and classes aren't running right now.

Then start your own local Facebook group for expectant parents locally, due in (month/season). Advertise/publicise it through a local FB group and I'm sure you'll find others due around a similar time that you can swap notes with on the way, and hopefully meet up in due course.

I'm sorry this happened to you op. But this struck me My best friend and I message sometimes but that's about it, no phone calls or anything.

You don't sound very close? It doesn't sound like a best friend relationship to text sometimes in a time like this? Are you sure feels the same about you?

@erised24 You could find out if anything's running on Zoom etc.

@forrandomposts we used to be before I got pregnant tbh. We would call all the time, go shopping, lunch etc. Then I told her I was pregnant and we had some issues after that. After a little while she started talking to me properly again and buying the baby clothes and gifts but it's not been the same since.

If it were me I'd move on from these. She doesn't sound like any best friend I have.

Starting your own group on Facebook is a good idea.

Are you on any pregnancy threads on here? Might be someone local to you?

Is it possible that your best friend is jealous that you’re pregnant? Or thinking you’re not going to be available for shopping and lunches as easily after you have a baby and so she’s decided to cool off a bit?

@Rainbowshine I'm not sure about jealous as she's always said she never wants kids and doesn't like them... so I think that's part of it but over the last month or so she's messaged me to ask about baby and she's sent me baby gifts, said she can't wait to meet baby and have cuddles etc. We had a frank discussion when I was first pregnant and she admitted that she was afraid she'd lose me and I wouldn't want to hang out anymore, I told her that wouldn't happen. I don't see why we can't still meet and do the same things as before.

Ok, just wanted to add this as it's upset me a bit. Found out via Facebook that they have all pooled together, planned and gotten tickets to see one of all of our favourite bands next year and didn't include me in that either. Think it's fair to say they don't want me as part of their group.

If anything lockdown has shown people's true colours op. I realised it was always been me messaging first and it was very one sided. Looking back I realised what I mug I was. I thought I was friends with 2 girls from work. Even planned one of their hen do, got party bags and decorations which I paid for other friend contributed 10 pounds towards it but ultimately it was me. I don't think I got an acknowledgement for it and all credit went to her. Then I realised looking back i was only invites to the day do to keep other friend company. When friend had a baby other friend went up to the hospital and then asked me to pick her up to take her to work. They have met up throughout this and celebrated their birthdays which were close together again i have not been invited once. They are friends they are just colleagues and if we didn't work together I would never speak to them. Op you're worth so much more than these people.

I really feel for you OP! I was subtly removed from a group of friends at Uni. Looking back, I was only really close friends with one, and she had literally hundreds of close friends. I don't think I was as close to her as I thought. I challenged her about it but was somehow made to feel it was my fault. Anyway, it upset me for a while but I have since made some lovely new friends through having kids. I have also got close to an old group of school friends. I know how lonely it feels to be in this situation, especially with social media, but their message is not one of good friendship.

I don't think you actually need to do anything. It is always tempting to flounce and provoke a reaction, but this sounds like a case of benign neglect of a friendship rather than any premeditated desire to hurt you.

My advice would be to reassess how you view this group - fun to hang out with but not particularly close friends. It hurts to realise these things I know but keep them on the back burner whilst you put your energies into other potential friendships.

Either they will see this energised, social you and realise what they lost, or you will no longer care about them as your life has moved on - or they are nice group of people to hang out with sometimes. Having a baby changes everything though and I would say in a year or so - you will barely think of them

Yes it would upset me, and I'm another one in a similar situation. I think as Tooshy said, try not to flounce, just stop bothering with the less close ones, mute them and focus on new opportunities to make nicer friends. I'll be trying to tell myself the same things :) You'll have chances to meet new people with the baby coming along. Good luck.

From what you said about your best friend, it sounds to me like she has a problem with you being pregnant and is punishing you for it. So she doesn't sound like the best friend you think.

In terms of the rest, I've been in a similar situation as your friend, where I had a friend who became friends with my group. As horrible as it might sound to you, sometimes you do only want particular people there because of the dynamic. I have 3 very close friends and 4 not as close but still good friends, and sometimes I just want to be around my closest friends as the chat is just different.

Thanks everyone. Definitely just going to let it be and concentrate on more important things.

I think if you are pregnant then they are going to assume you're not drinking or partying or seeing bands. Usually when friends get pregnant they vanish. They do a bit with you but can't do drinks/nights. Then you gave the baby and vanish completely.

Every friend I've ever had that has had a baby has decided that they are focused on that and have no time for non baby activities- and of course it is a huge deal, overwhelming and exhausting, and I wave them off sadly into their (hopefully lovely) new life.

So if you weren't invited for zoom drinks it might be because they knew you werent drinking. And will soon be vanishing anyway.