Is it normal DP does minimal housework

[Amiayoungmumthough]

I'm just wondering if anyone else out there feels like they're pulling teeth when they ask for help.
My dp of 5 years has never done a load of washing in his life! He claims to not know how too, which is obviously just an excuse as it's not rocket science.
He does cook and will do the dishes a fair amount and empty the bin, but it ends there.
He's never made or stripped a bed, again claims he CAN'T do these things. He very rarely Hoover's and when he does he makes sure that I know he's hoovered! I find it quite exhausting. He says as he does all the driving I should do all the washing etc.
Thing is tho I do drive, I'm just not the most confident driver. When I have offered to drive he says he'd rather drive than be a passenger as he finds it boring just sitting in the car.
The other day he commented that he shouldn't have to put dc to bed as he doesn't like doing it. (She's not the best at going to bed) If she wakes in the night it is always my responsibility as he will just pretend to sleep and refuse to wake up.
Yesterday I asked him to go to the shop for something as I still had to make dinner, wash up and get the DC to bed. He didn't want to because he was working that day and now wanted to do nothing. He said he would eventually so I went to do the washing up, he still hadn't left when I finished the washing so I went myself. And everything was still left for me to do when I got back.
He seems to think because he is working (very minimal hours) and I've been furloughed, I am sitting around doing nothing when in reality I don't get a minutes peace all day.
This morning after being up with DC quite a lot of the night with a tummy ache, I said I was tired and his response 'at least you're not working'.
Sorry I just needed to rant. Can't wait for this lockdown to be over and get back to work!

Ask him what sort of relationship he hopes to have with dd as she grows up.. Unless he invests some time and effort into her now he won't have one!!
Nor one with you as resentment will have set in..
Not sure how you have accepted his attitude so long tbh. We share chores and dc care 50 /50 ish. And there are 5 dc.

It's not uncommon judging by how often women mention it in threads, but that doesn't make it ok.

He sounds like a waste of effort. I'd stop doing things for him because I found it boring.

Desist with ranting and start getting proper angry at him, this lazy lummox.

Why have you at all put up with this from him?. He lives there also so you should not be looking at this in terms of him "helping" you. He sees tasks like making and or otherwise stripping beds as solely women's work (i.e your job) and thus beneath him. Of course he can do these things, he merely does not want to do so. Such attitudes are deeply ingrained too. He probably does not like you driving him because he wants to be seen as the Big Man; no wonder you're not a very confident driver. He is not helping you at all feel more confident about your driving abilities.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would read this article:-
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

He is showing you a complete lack of respect for what you do and who you are as a person. I would further re-evaluate your relationship and decide whether you want to be with him at all going forward.

My dp isnt even the father of my DC, and he will put DC to bed whenever I ask... i don't ask often, but he would do it every night if I asked.

He does all the driving, all the shopping, packs all washing away, cleans kitchen every night, does all hoovering and lawn care. I do the cooking, decluttering, weeding/garden tidying, and childcare... we take turns emptying the dishwasher...

He has a very senior job.. I work as well but very low stress.

Your dp is taking you for a mug imo

What a huge turn-off his (in)actions and attitudes must be.

It's common if your partner is a sexist, selfish, lazy arsehole, yes. Wouldn't share a bed with someone like this, much less a life. Don't see how someone who thinks I'm a domestic appliance is any way sexy.

Well he’s lying to your face, isn’t he? What kind of imbecile can’t make a bed or work a washing machine?

Don’t put up with this shit OP

Do you also work outside the home OP? Even if you don’t he should be doing some domestic work but if you don’t it’s probably the explanation for why he sees you as some sort of domestic slave.

Your first mistake is referring to it as ‘helping’. The home and children aren’t your work for him to ‘help’ with, other than during his working hours if you’re a SAHP or part time. Or if they’re in school and you spend large parts of the day pleasing yourself. Otherwise, he shouldn’t be ‘helping’ he should be parenting and looking after himself and his environment like the grown adult he is.

My DH does an equal share of childcare as we both work four day weeks and we both work equally hard around the house. We take kids bedtimes in turn. I do more cleaning but I quite enjoy it and he does bins, lawn mowing, both our bike maintenance etc so it’s even overall. We work the same hours around our kids (both four days with a day of childcare each) so I wouldn’t accept anything less than equal around the house. Whatever your set up, what you should be aiming for is both to have equal leisure time.

If I had a husband who considered doing his own washing ‘helping me’ well let’s just say the marriage wouldn’t last long. Saying that, I would never in a bazillion years be a SAHP for exactly the reason that you risk this sort of shit set up with a caveman.

Common yes, acceptable no.

How do you have sex with a man with such unattractive qualities?!

And you decided to have children with this lazy lummock? Talk me through that decision Op.

The good news is that as you are not married it will be so much easier to leave this chauvinistic arsewipe. Work on your self esteem once you are free and don't accept being treated as an unpaid skivvy in future.

I think you’re making it easy for your DH to get away with not doing stuff; for example by going to the shop when he was supposed to do what stops him doing that next time? I got sick of doing all the washing so I agreed with my DH that I wasn’t doing his work clothes any more and now he knows that if he doesn’t do it then he doesn’t have clean clothes. After years of hoping my DH would notice when things needed doing I realised that he just didn’t see it and now we have specific jobs. I still do more than him but part of that is different standards and me being home more.

And you tolerate this bullshit? You want to be a domestic slave to a lazy liar then you make that choice daily-if not separate and be happy to run your own house without a adult-sized toddler weighing you down

You either have to put up and shut up or leave. My mum, would put up with all of that, she did everything for my Dad. She still now, at aged 60, does everything. It's just her, doesn't mind.

No in my house, or my parents’ house (In their 70s) or even In theirs parents’ house.

What are you teaching your DD about relationships here?

Just reread your Op and seen you’ve been furloughed. I’d be willing to bet my house that he wasn’t exactly pulling his weight even before that?

Presumably he is registered disabled/has SEN? Otherwise I can’t see any reason that he is unable to change a bed. It requires zero skill, intelligences or experience. If he can brush his teeth he can change a bed. He just doesn’t want to because he doesn’t respect or value you, or consider that there is any risk to treating you like a servant. Question is OP whether you’re willing to live like this forever or whether you want to model a better example for your child. I know what I would prefer.

I had a thread recently about my teenagers doing this and how frazzled I felt. They are my kids. This man is supposed to be your partner but really, he’s a teenage boy and you are his mum. It is very deeply unattractive behaviour and I don’t think women should put up with it

Well its not him not "helping" is it - because its 50% his responsibility.

Why are you doing everything?

What benefit do you get from the relationship?

If he was not there you would have actually less to do - so unless he brings something to your life that exceeds your slavery to him - then you would be better of on your own.

I knew I wasn't expecting too much! Admittedly he does do the shopping his fair share. I do feel he is lazy around the house. In fairness tho before lockdown he would get away with it as he was working 50+ hours a week. Now it about 12 so no excuse.
I have tried the whole not doing stuff for him. There have been a couple times we've argued about it and I've just refused to wash his work clothes. He then takes them to his mum's and she does them! And then she knows we've argued and she's all questions and I cbf with that either! In all honesty I'm not attracted to him anymore. I am hoping that is a temporary thing but it has been quite a while now. I don't know what to do.

To answer the title, No, of course it's not normal. He's a lazy knob.

Sigh

Love that, category12

I hate handling other people's disgusting clothes so you can be quite sure that I would refuse to wash them for a so-called partner (not much of a partnership, really, is it?) who won't look after his own children because he doesn't like it.

In fairness tho before lockdown he would get away with it as he was working 50+ hours a week

how many hours a week do you do domestic work for (including child care night work)?

how many hours a week do you work outside the home?

Is it for more than 50 hours per week? I bet it is.

He can wash his own clothes - you're not his domestic staff.

An exciting world awaits you where you will have a lot more time in your life! (think of all the extra child care his mother will do when its his time to have your child - and I mean that seriously).

Don't spend too much longer wasting your life with this drip of man.

Also when you say he does the shopping - do you have to tell him what to buy?

Start by not washing any of his clothes and then work out other things he doesn’t do that you do for him, then stop doing those too
Pretty sure he won’t stand for you refusing to continue functioning as his domestic slave and you relationship will be over but worth doing to gain back some self-respect