Is it normal DP does minimal housework

[Amiayoungmumthough]

I'm just wondering if anyone else out there feels like they're pulling teeth when they ask for help.
My dp of 5 years has never done a load of washing in his life! He claims to not know how too, which is obviously just an excuse as it's not rocket science.
He does cook and will do the dishes a fair amount and empty the bin, but it ends there.
He's never made or stripped a bed, again claims he CAN'T do these things. He very rarely Hoover's and when he does he makes sure that I know he's hoovered! I find it quite exhausting. He says as he does all the driving I should do all the washing etc.
Thing is tho I do drive, I'm just not the most confident driver. When I have offered to drive he says he'd rather drive than be a passenger as he finds it boring just sitting in the car.
The other day he commented that he shouldn't have to put dc to bed as he doesn't like doing it. (She's not the best at going to bed) If she wakes in the night it is always my responsibility as he will just pretend to sleep and refuse to wake up.
Yesterday I asked him to go to the shop for something as I still had to make dinner, wash up and get the DC to bed. He didn't want to because he was working that day and now wanted to do nothing. He said he would eventually so I went to do the washing up, he still hadn't left when I finished the washing so I went myself. And everything was still left for me to do when I got back.
He seems to think because he is working (very minimal hours) and I've been furloughed, I am sitting around doing nothing when in reality I don't get a minutes peace all day.
This morning after being up with DC quite a lot of the night with a tummy ache, I said I was tired and his response 'at least you're not working'.
Sorry I just needed to rant. Can't wait for this lockdown to be over and get back to work!

My husband is worse than your partner and that is a large part of the reason I am divorcing him. I refuse to let my children see this as a normal relationship when it is vastly unfair and disrespectful.

To tell you the truth OP, I'd love to live with someone like you. I'd love someone to clean my clothes, deal with my children, make my dinner, keep the house tidy and generally make my life easy. He sounds like he's got it made.

It's depressingly common on here but not acceptable
Stop letting him do the bare minimum, tell him to do more or you're gone

You mention that you’re no longer attracted to him. This, along with his behaviour and your understandable exasperation with his mother’s enablement of his nonsense, indicates that it’s probably time to separate as amicably as possible. Maybe try counselling first. Sorry OP

I'm working 10 hour days from home at the moment and DH is on reduced work due to Covid-19. He is picking up nearly all the housework cooking and childcare and I'm extremely aware of how much he is taking the strain. There are some evenings we have to stagger through dividing up the last of the chores because we are both exhausted. The balance can vary but you are a team in this and the test should be how much do you care for the other person that they get downtime too?

Sounds like my ex, although as I was a sahm it is my fault for letting him get away with it. If he ever hoovered he would say ' I have done the hoovering for you ' I would respond with ' for me...for me '
It must have been a shock when he moved out when he had to do everything for himself, mind you that did not last long as he quickly found a woman who probably carried on where I left off.

Yeah, it's normal. All the men I've been with have mistaken me for a housemaid and think they are exempt from housework because they have a penis.
He is a lazy shit.
This is why I live alone.

I know if we separated a lot of things would be easier and more positive! But a lot of things would also be more difficult and stressful. He does do his fair share of bedtimes now but he does complain about it and gets stressed easily when things don't go to plan. I don't know where I'm at with this relationship some days I want him to leave and other days it's hard to imagine living without him. I've felt like this for well over a year. He would never do counselling and I honestly don't know if it would help at this point. I blame myself equally as I've put up with it for so long that I now no longer see him in any romantic way. I don't know how I would ever tell him that it would absolutely break him and I can't be responsible for that. There is no nice way to say I'm no longer attracted to you :'(

Thank you all so much for your replies, actually feel so much lighter having got that off my chest

If he had his own house and you had yours, your life would be much easier and his would get harder (or he'd get his mum to come round and clean for him 🤦‍♀️).

A good partnership is when you both enhance each others lives.

I couldn't bring myself to live with a useless aresehole like him, honestly you are worth more than this.

He is not your partner, he is a man who believes you are his maid, there's a big difference.

His mum definitely caused this issue which is why none of them see it as an issue. She enjoys doing everything for him, I however do not. He is not a bad person he does help, just not enough.
It's almost like he's oblivious to it. When I say to him it shouldn't be such an issue when I ask for help he gets irritated as if he thinks he's done enough and I'm not doing my bit.
I do blame myself tho as up until the last couple years I wouldn't ask for help and that is just my own stubborn fault trying to handle everything myself. Every bedtime, every night feed every need of everyone. Not so clever now am I!

@DoesJeffKnow him mum would without a doubt go and do his housework for him.

Again OP YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR HELP - it is 50% his responsibility.

And why would you blame yourself?

And if his mum caused the issue - where was his dad in all this?

The thing is you need a complete change of mindset - domestic chores are not the primary responsibility of the person who happens to have the vagina.

Whilst women are quite encouraged to be domestic martyrs - being so isn't going to change your situation.

When I say to him it shouldn't be such an issue when I ask for help he gets irritated as if he thinks he's done enough and I'm not doing my bit.

Why don't you suggest writing down everything he does and everything you do for a week... and swapping them for the rest of the month? Would he still feel that was fair?

I think after this lockdown it's time for a grown up conversation about all of the above and trying to set some of my expectations a bit higher. Try again for a few months and see how it goes!
The reason I say after lockdown is so he can't use that card of him working and me not. Thank you all for your advice and outside point of view. It really is very helpful and appreciated

You do need a very frank conversation. A home is the responsibility of everyone in it. He is as perfectly capable of doing stuff as you are he just does not want to. My father would be nearly 100 now...he knew how to do everything in the house, and did a lot of looking after us as my mother was in a demanding career. My husband does anything in the house that needs doing, just like I do, and also happily shares child responsibility.
It does NOT have to be this way. He is not respecting you.

If you don't see him in a romantic way then is that likely to change? If not then you're wasting your time

@Shoxfordian I really don't know, I hope so, but I doubt it will.

@BiblioX you're right I couldn't imagine myself living in a house and not pulling my weight so I don't know why I accept it. Changes needed.

Does he make 50% of the mess?
Does he eat 50% of the food?
Sleep in 50% of the bed?
Use the toilet 50%?

Then why shouldn't he do 50% of the work to make it clean/tidy?

Read Wifework by Susan Maushart OP, it helped me immensely. Clarified everything