Dreading telling the kids about splitting.

[firsttimemama]

Together 21 years - 2 dc, 14 and 11, we have reached the end of the road. I am fed up being his housekeeper, he drinks too much and has retreated away from me more and more over the past eight months. Things have been slowly going downhill for about 3 years. Nothing big enough to break up the family though. Now I have had enough and told him to go. He is looking at a flat tomorrow, very local. I am dreading telling the kids, it feels like the worse thing I have ever had to do. I don’t think I will be able to hold it together. Any words of wisdom - please?

Yes, so similar Balthazar, uncannily so. While he is on furlough doing nothing. I am working from home full time, home schooling the kids, I’ve jet washed the driveway, cleaned out the garage, cleaned all the windows, tidied the garden, and now am trying to redecorate my DD bedroom, she bless her is doing a lot of the painting herself, with my help. H is sitting on the sofa till watching Net flex 10am to 4pm then gaming and beering 4pm to bedtime. It is the final straw.

But, I do want to have a great relationship with him going forward, as coparents, just not under the same roof. I hope he comes over every Wednesday and cooks spaghetti Bol, my DDs fav, I plan to set up a guest bedroom for him to stay over if I go out. It is still his house and we have a lot of joint financial commitments. In essence we will have the same relationship really, but without me cleaning up after him and doing his washing!

I have slightly older kids and we told them together. It went better than I expected really. We reassured them they were loved by both of us, that we would try to minimise impacts for them, were honest about working out the practical arrangements (which was what they were most interested in). They have been fine so far (10 days on), in fact more considerate than usual but I don't know for how long more that'll last.

Feeling a bit better about things today. Thanks all for the input. One thing that is troubling me is that; I am not sure yet what him going actually means to us as a relationship. I am not naive and probably the most likely thing is that we are done. But maybe a break is what is needed for him to “find” himself or get over himself or whatever. I think he and I need to establish a bit more of that to see if he wants to work on finding a way back. I am properly rambling out loud now, but I would not discuss in RL so this is giving me the opportunity to get some thoughts out, and not have them constantly circulating in my head. The whole thing is very distracting to my attempts to work from home, but it is too early to alert my boss to an issue at home. I am fairly new into my job too, and while I am sure that I will be supported if I needed some time. It’s not like I have a years of work goodwill built up.

Are you sure it's over? Be sure it is before you tell them. A pp suggested counseling, have you tried or thought about that?

When we told our dc, it was awful. I cried, the youngest cried. My ds who was 12 pretended it was fine but he's been fairly angry since.
You can't unsay it, so be sure to be sure.

Sorry hadn't seen the updates, his behaviour round the house is shocking, no example to set
Good luck

Yes, Liv, am non going to tell me, until it is finalised. I want him to have an tenancy signed for somewhere so they can be sure that he will be very local and very available for them. I am feel I am really laid back otherwise I would “moaning” all day long at him. I had until this point accepted this. He normally is at work doing shifts, early mornings etc so I cut him some slack, perhaps I have been a bigger mug than I thought!

JSKU the day to day experience is as I describe, but we, don’t argue, we bicker sometimes and the kids see that, and have disagreements over things, but that might be day to day stuff. And I do believe we both have love for each other still, but the old cliche we are not “in love” applies. I am not sure that the kids can pick up that nuance. Although they do know some tension exists sometimes. My DD is just getting on with redecorating good her bedroom- she does not think why isn’t Dad helping? I think it’s time she recognised that there is a different better way to parent. If I pointed out his laziness and dis-interest around this issue, he may make a small effort to help, in an attempt for a quiet life, but then he will be able to say he did help. And therefore in his mind IABU to question him. He is also bound to say, “ I wasn’t asked to help”. The irony is he joined a gym last year for the first time in his life at age 50, and he tries to exercise regularly. So doing painting etc would be a good “work out” but he does not see that. Maybe the kids are pre conditioned to his disinterest. Over the years I taught them to ride bikes, brought them swimming, and to theme parks etc but he is modelling the behaviour of his father, and he does not see the issue.

So he has agreed to go and he is actively flat-hunting himself? Have you established with him how the finances will work?

Yes Sadie, he told me that he has flat viewing this morning, I did a local search prior to telling to go on Tuesday morning. I did a CSA calc on his regular salary and it came out at £639 per month, but he is on Furlough and that including OT. He is on Furlough now so no OT so I did his flat rate and it was Around £550, rent around her is expensive though so a one bed flat is around £1100. I told him to give. £500 per month and he agreed.

I do all the finances for the family. ( no surprise there!).

I am a doer and want things done. He is always happy with the status quo. He says that I force my will and am bossy.

This thread is quite therapeutic, the more I write, the more clarity in th situation I can see. It is sad.

Dont be surprised that things dont turn out how you expect when he leaves. He seems very passive and you seem to have all his life organised for him after he leaves too. You might find he will start making decisions you dont like and will have no control over. He may move 50 miles away, he may say he will lay less maintenance. He may say he wants 50/50 of the kids and pay no maintenance! he will have a right to do all of those things. You seem to be romanticising the future, but it may turn out very differently to what you want,

I have also, along the years, thought that I made the choice to marry him, and have the DC with him, so I should accept my lot, as obviously there isn’t abuse or violence and he always did just enough meet his parenting obligations. And we have financial stability Of two incomes. And generally a nice life. I know others have it so much worse.

Yes Sleepingboy, I know it could turn sour. He will not move out of the area, certainly not in the next twelve months - that is what I am trying to project for, for now. He is employed and cannot go Self employed with his current skill set, so he cannot hide his Income. His shift pattern means he cannot have 50/50 childcare.

I have savings to cover me and the dcs for the next 2 years along with my salary. After that we have equity in the house so we would have to downsize.

He will go for the easiest option for him, which is to stay local. Unless he meets someone else, that would be the only thing that would make him move, then he will still be fairly local due to job. And the DCs will be 15 and closer to 13 then.

OK, I'm confused!

First thing I'll say is that you can leave any relationship, for any reason, but if there are kids involved it is worth being damn sure that leaving is the right thing to do.

It seems clear you don't have a great relationship right now, but it's less clear that you have tried to address this with marriage counselling or anything (apologies if I've missed that). Have you?

The drinking seems excessive to me, but then I'm virtually teetotal. But if the drinking isn't to a level where he is e.g. pissing himself or throwing up everywhere, then it isn't directly affecting anyone else and I don't really see it as any worse than smoking. In fact, it is much better than smoking, which has passive effects on your kids. One more point on the drinking - assuming he stays involved in the children, he will still be role-modelling heavy drinking, but in that case you will probably have less influence over your kid's perception of it as you will have to be VERY careful about criticising him in case it comes across as a "personal attack on the ex made via the kids".

He does sound like he isn't pulling his weight, but again - has this been discussed with an "independent" arbiter - e.g. a marriage counsellor. A "relationship agreement" which sets out what is important to you both, and your expectations for each other, could work wonders.

Overall, I'm wondering if you've got a communication problem here, more than anything. If so, marriage counselling could be really successful - not necessarily in keeping you together, if that's not what you want, but in being able to co-parent together as a team.

Finally, if you definitely go through with splitting, you really need to tell your kids TOGETHER, and reassure them that you both still love them, and will be working together to raise them and support them in the future.

Make sure you emphasise it's for yours and your parter's happiness.

I disagree with the PP above that your DH's heavy drinking doesn't affect anyone else. He is modelling to the kids that this is a normal level of drinking, and they are more likely to drink too much themselves later on.

You are also modelling very unequal roles in terms of parenting and share of household work.

Ok, to be give some balance and trying not to drip feed, of course I am not a perfect human being either. The fundamental thing for me now that is different to before. Is that he and I have less and less of a relationship. I am overweight - obese in fact size 18 . He does not find it attractive. I have a under active thyroid, which I am on medication for. But I have not lost weight and he wanted me too. Now it could be said that if I really wanted to I could have done this and therefore that is my bad.

@LittleCabbage

But you could say that about ANY negative trait. I absolutely LOATHE people smoking (particularly at home, but really in any case) when they have kids, and consider it to be FAR worse than drinking. But I'd be crucified on here for suggesting someone leaves their partner because they smoke - particularly if they have always smoked!

*I think with kids that age I would tell them as soon as possible and prepare to give them all the information they ask for, including things you may not want to say. They might ask lots of questions. It's their lives too. Don't try to stonewall, be as open and honest as you possibly can.

Remember to say really clearly that it's your fault (both of you) not their fault - nothing they did caused it and nothing they could have done would have stopped it. And that you both love them completely and unconditionally and always will. Have something concrete to say about when and how they will see their dad (hopefully there won't be any restrictions on them doing that).

It's a hammer blow and it's horrible. I feel for you having to do it. But one thing I've learned (ex and I split up 10+ years ago) is that what you do afterwards is what really counts. Being kind, not having rows, NEVER slagging the other parent off, making their relationship with their dad a huge priority even if it means sacrifices for you. This is how you show them that their well-being is still the most important thing for you, and it's also how you get to forgive yourself. I did, eventually.*

I think this is spot on.

Telling my dc that we were separating was the worst experience of my life. I had discovered the day before that my husband, their beloved dad was having an affair. I asked him to leave that day and told him he had to come back the next day as we were going to tell the children together. There was no way I was doing that on my own after what he had done.

So we told them, we said that we weren't making each other happy any more and had decided that we were going to separate and that he was moving out. We told them it was not their fault, that we both love them very much and they will still see us both a lot. My ex even said that we were still friends, which I could have killed him for as we were far from that.

They were both distraught because the reality is we were happy, at least until very recently to the affair. We were a happy family and we did lots of lovely things together. They saw us care for each other, being affectionate and loving and then suddenly they were being told we weren't happy.

I decided not to tell them the truth about their dad's affair, which was worse for me as I had to outwardly take half the 'blame' for our family being broken, but I decided it was the best thing for the kids. They love their dad and didn't need to know what he had done. They were 10 and 12 when we split.

Anyway, I think they are old enough to have a mature conversation with them but only what they need to know. It's horrible but they certainly won't be the only ones they know who have been through it and hopefully they have lot of love and support around them over the coming weeks. Good luck.

What I would say is don’t confuse your kids with any mention of dad staying over or having his own bedroom etc. This is very confusing for them and they (and you) need to adjust to the new normal. Even for your husband, telling him that you can’t take him being in the house with his ways but then inviting him back, is confusing.

Having him staying over in a separate room and coming over to cook tea as normal, is something that may happen in years to come but you all need a proper break. You also need to realise that break ups are hard and you can’t expect things to be like you imagine in your head. At least initially, most couples find it very hard and need to distance themselves, especially when one of you will move on and find a new partner. Don’t underestimate how hard this all is!

This wishy washy stuff will confuse the kids and makes me wonder how much you really want to split properly? I’m sure you’re not naive but this means not having him around at home - you live in your house and him in his. He has the kids and then you have the kids. You can be friendly and get on, but having him living some of the time at yours or doing normal family stuff is a no-no to start with. The children won’t understand what is happening. You’re telling them you’re splitting up because you don’t get on anymore (presumably) but then daddy will still be here to cook tea sometimes and will have his own bedroom set up for sleepovers?! If you want this, consider counselling and seeing if you can rectify this. You may have given in when he’s promised to change before, but it’s very different when you have professional counselling.

Good luck x

Perhaps, for your OH, your weight is an issue, as is his drinking for you. He may feel that compromise is a two way thing (which it is). So, perhaps with counselling you could aim for 1lb a week weight loss and he could give up a can of beer per day? Ok small baby steps but you could both give it six months and stick to it - if you feel the same then you’ve both tried. However if neither if you can be bothered then move on.