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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s in his cave

45 replies

Tryingtounderstandmen · 25/06/2020 20:41

So I’m new to mums net ,but thought I’d try it out. Married for 27 years ,2 grown up children .very happy ,that is until he retreats ! Sunday he wakes up and is quiet , I think it’s me .... drunk Saturday night “ what did I say/ do ? Gulp . .. anyhow. , after speaking to girlfriend who was with us , I did nothing to be hung drawn and quartered for . So I ask him if he’s ok .he looks at me as if I’m simple ... yep I’m fine ( you’re clearly not) ... left him to it. . Then Monday same....again I ask are you ok ...I get told to “ leave it” ...Tuesday same , except this time I say. “ I’m here when you want to talk “ ..again it’s a curt reply .....it’s Thursday now and I’m getting pissed off so much so that now he’s trying to talk ( a bit) about crap and I can’t bring myself to converse.we are being civil .... I’m waiting for the moment to say “ I think I deserve an explaination here of where you’ve been all week” arrrrrggghhhhhhhhh!

OP posts:
Mosseywossey · 25/06/2020 21:22

Wow that sounds horrible abusive. Silent treatment is worded as he is trying to make you feel terrible. Does he do this regularly

Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 25/06/2020 22:16

He’s really not abusive , just bloody frustrating ! Hardly ever does this , which is why , when he does. , it’s a pain in the arse

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2020 22:21

Stop wasting your time asking if he's ok. Just tell him to sod off until he's ready to communicate like an adult. Don't pander to his moodiness.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/06/2020 22:23

Bet he didn't like you drinking ...

Mosseywossey · 25/06/2020 22:44

Sulking is a form of abuse. If he is withhold communication because he is annoyed of a form of cohersion control or emotional abuse

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/06/2020 22:47

Agree with @Aquamarine1029

That "cave" he's in needs bolting from the outside - petulant twat.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/06/2020 23:00

agreed with everyone on here.. this is abusive behaviour OP... Flowers

stop asking him what's wrong.. he's a DICK

category12 · 25/06/2020 23:08

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/06/2020 23:38

What exactly did you do?

BurtsBeesKnees · 26/06/2020 08:43

The silent treatment is abusive. Its designed to punish you and keep you in line. You'll be walking on eggshells in the future to ensure he doesn't sulk again.

TheVanguardSix · 26/06/2020 08:50

Who's drinking (not a goady question)?
Because drinking is a relationship killer. You can't communicate effectively if there's drink in the relationship.
Is he fed up of your drinking? That's what I'm reading here. Silent treatment is emotional abuse, yes. But if you're habitually getting drunk, maybe he's fed up of this aspect invading your relationship like knotweed.
Get off the booze (if it's you- I can't quite tell from your post) and start opening up and working on your relationship. Nurturing a relationship never stops. 27 years doesn't mean rest on your laurels. Ask him if the drinking is bothering him. Sounds like you need to face the elephant in the room, OP.

Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 08:58

Love the replies guys .....and yep we had both been out with friends together . What does OP mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 08:59

I like balance in my life and if one of us is off kilter I’m jittery .but yep I think I bother too much .....thanks guys .leaving him to it x

OP posts:
category12 · 26/06/2020 09:00

Original Poster - the person who started the thread. Saves getting @ notifications and is quicker than typing whole names.

Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 09:01

And nope , no walking on egg shells from me - fuck him 😉

OP posts:
sadie9 · 26/06/2020 09:04

OP means Original Poster. Did you drink until you blacked out and so couldn't remember getting home or what happened? That bit was unclear.
Does he do this silent treatment thing a lot?

Letseatgrandma · 26/06/2020 09:06

What happened Saturday night? Where do you go and who with?

I would just speak to him and ask directly-you have barely spoken to me since Sunday morning. Why?

Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 09:12

Ah thanks and it’s a fact that men CAnt communicate in the same way as women and they “ retreat “ sometimes ...I was hoping for support tbh and anyone who relate !

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 09:14

Just in a friends garden and nothing happened other than we all had a drink ! Normal nice nice xxxx which is why 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 26/06/2020 09:14

Well, he's clearly unhappy and hasn't yet found the guts to tell you why. He owes you that much. And you owe him a listen, when the time comes. Sounds like a big issue that's been ignored for too long is about to finally come to the surface. As daunting as that is, it can't be a bad thing. My guess is- I know, I'm harping on but it is important- the drinking has gotten out of hand. Are you ready to own that, OP, if this is the case?

Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 09:15

To be honest I’m a light weight so my memory goes on nights out. And I wake up sundays and think ... did I say anything ? Oops 😌

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 09:18

Yeah drinking could be ..let’s see what he says when he’s ready to talk

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 26/06/2020 09:20

Don't bother asking what's wrong, don't try and cheer him up. That's just giving him attention - and if he's doing it to punish you for some imagined transgression showing him he's made you anxious is exactly what he's trying to achieve.

Just get on with life as normal. Ignore ignore ignore. Then when he decides you have been punished enough and springs the transgression on you or the old "You know what you did" shite, do NOT apologise to try and get everything back to normal (again that's the pay off he's seeking). Tell him to fuck off!

Original poster
Tryingtounderstandmen · 26/06/2020 09:26

@Thingsdogetbetter

Don't bother asking what's wrong, don't try and cheer him up. That's just giving him attention - and if he's doing it to punish you for some imagined transgression showing him he's made you anxious is exactly what he's trying to achieve.

Just get on with life as normal. Ignore ignore ignore. Then when he decides you have been punished enough and springs the transgression on you or the old "You know what you did" shite, do NOT apologise to try and get everything back to normal (again that's the pay off he's seeking). Tell him to fuck off!

Thank you so much for that last post .exactly all I needed ! I knew I was doing the right thing by ignoring and carrying on as normal thank you to you! We have a fab relationship so it does my head in when he does this - once a year maybe. , can’t even remember the last time
OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2020 09:38

Once a year is once a year too much - you know that.
But if it's manageable for you then just ignore him.
Go out for a walk.
Do a youtube video exercise in your front room.
Call family and friends.
Carry on as normal.
No offers of tea or drinks etc.... He can sort himself out while he's behaving like a child.

Have a google of 'stonewalling abuse'
It's not very nice.
If it was more often than once a year I'd be telling you to get out.
But you seem to have it sussed now.
So carry on being your own merry self and leave him to his sulk!

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