He’s in his cave

[Tryingtounderstandmen]

So I’m new to mums net ,but thought I’d try it out. Married for 27 years ,2 grown up children .very happy ,that is until he retreats ! Sunday he wakes up and is quiet , I think it’s me .... drunk Saturday night “ what did I say/ do ? Gulp . .. anyhow. , after speaking to girlfriend who was with us , I did nothing to be hung drawn and quartered for . So I ask him if he’s ok .he looks at me as if I’m simple ... yep I’m fine ( you’re clearly not) ... left him to it. . Then Monday same....again I ask are you ok ...I get told to “ leave it” ...Tuesday same , except this time I say. “ I’m here when you want to talk “ ..again it’s a curt reply .....it’s Thursday now and I’m getting pissed off so much so that now he’s trying to talk ( a bit) about crap and I can’t bring myself to converse.we are being civil .... I’m waiting for the moment to say “ I think I deserve an explaination here of where you’ve been all week” arrrrrggghhhhhhhhh!

Is he likely to tell you the reason he’s doing this?
Or might he just ‘switch’ back to normal and act like nothing ever happened?

Just because it doesn’t happen often doesn’t mean it’s not abusive.
He’s giving you the silent treatment at the moment, he’s abusing you at the moment.

He's punishing you for drinking.

Tell him he's not a toddler and if he has a problem he needs to use his words like a fucking adult.

He won't because he knows if he tries to explain his response he'll look like a passive aggressive child. If he stays in his own head, he can justify treating you horribly. It's up to you if you let him.

You both need to get rid of the element that is damaging your marriage.

Hi OP,

For variety I have a slightly different view to most of the others here.

Yes 'silent treatment' can be passive aggressive and can, over time, be a method of abuse and control. You feel bad, chase, try to focus on him etc and you're kept on edge and on eggshells.

But there is another explanation too. A lot of people when they feel something deeply or are upset do retreat into their cave. Not to punish or control or abuse, but to collect their thoughts. They can't articulate their feelings straight away, or would be very unconformable doing so. And if they realise that there is no 'solution' or that talking it through will dredge up things they wish to avoid or create more conflict.

Of course in the end underlying issues are best discussed. And day after day silent treatment isn't healthy and you are owed an explanation. I just don't agree with the assumption some are making that this is automatically abusive. I often have to sit with my thoughts for a few hours, even a few days, if I am hurt or upset. Sometimes I know I am being irrational and am taking time to talk myself down. I agree you shouldn't be ignored or punished and he does need to communicate much better. But I'm not convinced that the only possible explanation is maliciousness on his part. Lots of people don't want or can't suddenly have a deep and meaningful when they are still feeling emotional about something.

I've also been on the receiving end of long periods of silent treatment in the past so I do understand. He needs to handle it better and you are entitled to say that and expect better in future. I'd just caution against assuming the worst in his intentions right now.

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. It’s a passive aggressive way of ‘punishing’ you and keeping you on the back foot. By not communicating with you and telling you why he’s upset, you are left pussy footing around him, trying to figure out the right behaviour that will snap him out of it. So it is also a form of control.

The only thing you can do is remove all the power from him by ignoring him completely and cracking on with your own thing. Although this is a shame in itself because what you want in a partnership is to be able to with your partner, and not have to have your defences up or ignore them in order to protect yourself from their toxicity.

Don't try and talk about it now, he clearly doesn't want to. I have times when I go silent. Not in a targeted way, just very withdrawn and quiet. I think DH just breathes a sigh of relief and enjoys the peace to be honest!

Try and think back to previous times. Was it after a night out then? Is he a bit hungover and thinking old age is catching up with him? Or does he dislike you when you've been drinking?

When it's all over and back to normal, ask him then in a casual way. 'You know every now and then you go quiet on me? What's that about then?' He'll be more able to talk about it when he's not feeling quiet, IYSWIM.

Some people use silence as a weapon, some people just go quiet for internal reasons.

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. It’s a passive aggressive way of ‘punishing’ you and keeping you on the back foot. By not communicating with you and telling you why he’s upset, you are left pussy footing around him, trying to figure out the right behaviour that will snap him out of it. So it is also a form of control

I agree with this.

It’s not that he is taking a few hours to get his thoughts together and being honest with the Op partner about this. It can’t be that because he says he’s fine.

So either he is fine and he’s abusive.

Or he’s not fine and he’s lying and unwilling to talk to the Op about it.

Neither is Ok.

@Tryingtounderstandmen

To be honest I’m a light weight so my memory goes on nights out. And I wake up sundays and think ... did I say anything ? Oops 😌

Yeah, you shouldn't be drinking at all if when you do, you drink until you're unable to remember anything.

It means you're so drunk, you're incapable and it's likely he had to not just handle getting you home/into bed, he had to stay awake and watch your breathing and make sure you didn't vomit in your sleep and die.

Calling yourself a lightweight and the faux 'oops', silly me, aren't I funny? doesn't make it funny.

@DutchTulip19

Hi OP,

For variety I have a slightly different view to most of the others here.

Yes 'silent treatment' can be passive aggressive and can, over time, be a method of abuse and control. You feel bad, chase, try to focus on him etc and you're kept on edge and on eggshells.

But there is another explanation too. A lot of people when they feel something deeply or are upset do retreat into their cave. Not to punish or control or abuse, but to collect their thoughts. They can't articulate their feelings straight away, or would be very unconformable doing so. And if they realise that there is no 'solution' or that talking it through will dredge up things they wish to avoid or create more conflict.

Of course in the end underlying issues are best discussed. And day after day silent treatment isn't healthy and you are owed an explanation. I just don't agree with the assumption some are making that this is automatically abusive. I often have to sit with my thoughts for a few hours, even a few days, if I am hurt or upset. Sometimes I know I am being irrational and am taking time to talk myself down. I agree you shouldn't be ignored or punished and he does need to communicate much better. But I'm not convinced that the only possible explanation is maliciousness on his part. Lots of people don't want or can't suddenly have a deep and meaningful when they are still feeling emotional about something.

I've also been on the receiving end of long periods of silent treatment in the past so I do understand. He needs to handle it better and you are entitled to say that and expect better in future. I'd just caution against assuming the worst in his intentions right now.

Thank you - I totally agree with you . He is , clearly , disturbed by something and can’t articulate .hes not great at communicating , as a lot of men are.

My DH retreats into himself when he is stressed, anxious and over worked. However he will talk to me if I prompt him so we can work out a way to alleviate his stresses. He doesn't just keep ignoring me. Your DH is being a bit of a dick here.

it’s a fact that men CAnt communicate in the same way as women and they “ retreat “ sometimes

hes not great at communicating , as a lot of men are

In the nicest possible way, this comes from the same school of sexist pop psychology as 'men can't see dirt, bless 'em'. Possessing a penis doesn't give anyone a free pass to sulk and subject their spouse to five days of the silent treatment.

He is , clearly , disturbed by something and can’t articulate .hes not great at communicating , as a lot of men are

Really ? I work in an office full of men and live in a house with three men and none of them has EVER sulked for a week because they couldn’t articulate.

What happens at his work when he doesn't speaks to anyone for a week?

Yy, @PANDORA.

Agree with @MitziK 100%

Your drinking obviously is a serious problem to your personal safety and to your relationship, and you need to address it, not act as if it's funny.

Also, although your friend said you didn't do anything too bad while you were out together, you may have done something unforgivable while she was in the loo or when you got home.

Maybe he doesn't want confrontation. Maybe he's not ready to confront you because in doing so, the whole house of cards may collapse.

Please understand - 'retreating to your cave' is not the same as 'the silent treatment'. I am a person who needs to retreat to my cave sometimes. And it goes like this:

"I'm sorry, I don't know how I feel about this right now - I'm going out for a walk to clear my head and sort out how I feel, and we can talk when I come back. I'll call if I'm going to be longer than a couple of hours"

Or 'I'm really pissed off about you getting drunk last night, and actually, you didn't do anything wrong, it's me, and I just need some time alone to process my own stuff. Can I get back to you tomorrow about this?'

Retreating to your cave is not about sulking and making other people feel bad, so that they run around trying to make you feel better. It is not stonewalling. It is not manipulative. It is explaining you are retreating to your cave, doing it, then coming back and either being back to normal (because you have worked through your own stuff) or discussing the issue because you have worked out how you feel.

That's some seriously sexist mumbo jumbo you are trying to peddle-my husband has no issues with discussing feelings and communicating when he's upset with me. You have an immature and emotionally stunted human being you are living with. Clearly you only want to hear what you want to hear nothing more

He is , clearly , disturbed by something and can’t articulate .hes not great at communicating , as a lot of men are.

And it takes him 6 days to collect his thoughts? Does he have additional needs?

What awful transgression did you commit that required 6 days of silent sulking and thought-collection?

I'm guessing nothing. He's still a count. But clearly a cunt you're willing to make excuses for - after all it must be your behaviour at fault here - getting tipsy and behaving normally for a week, rather than his - 6 days of passive aggressive sulking.

His penis clearly justifies his behaviour. He's a man, he can't possibly exercise any rational judgement. I'm sure he treats his work colleagues or other professionals with the same disrespect. Or not.

@Veterinari

He is , clearly , disturbed by something and can’t articulate .hes not great at communicating , as a lot of men are.

And it takes him 6 days to collect his thoughts? Does he have additional needs?

What awful transgression did you commit that required 6 days of silent sulking and thought-collection?

I'm guessing nothing. He's still a count. But clearly a cunt you're willing to make excuses for - after all it must be your behaviour at fault here - getting tipsy and behaving normally for a week, rather than his - 6 days of passive aggressive sulking.

His penis clearly justifies his behaviour. He's a man, he can't possibly exercise any rational judgement. I'm sure he treats his work colleagues or other professionals with the same disrespect. Or not.

I would imagine somebody deciding that they want a divorce might take a few days to be certain it is definitely over and how to go about it.

I would imagine somebody deciding that they want a divorce might take a few days to be certain it is definitely over and how to go about it.

Bit of a leap....