Bad communication or emotional abuse , or both?

[24kl]

Reading lots of threads on MN regarding emotional abuse. I'm currently taking space from my relationship, figuring it all out and I'm looking for strangers thoughts. (Feel a bit silly)

His Good points:

• Mature
• Great sense of humour
• Very generous with money, pays for everything
• Very generous with affection
• Big job, successful, ambitious
• loyal, commitment, would never cheat
• On the same page as me, wants a family
• Supports and celebrates my achievements
• Willing to talk, suggested couples counselling
• Does all the blue jobs and shares chores around the house

Bad:

• Easily offended by something small
• Can't argue clean (swearing, shouting)
• Quick tempered in pressured situations
• Workaholic

By no means am I faultless or perfect, I can have my selfish, unreasonable moments and mood swings. However, I'm learning ways to communicate better as a person as I've always had issues like this in previous relationships.

[user1481840227]

No I really couldn't call him that at all based on what you've said.

[Helpmemoveon76844]

I'm honestly reading this and if you want an honest opinion, given tentatively , because I don't really want to hurt your feelings...

I think you both sound verging on emotionally abusive , maybe actually in emotionally abusive territory.

He shouldn't swear and talk to you aggressively.
He shouldn't pounce on everything negative you say
He shouldn't threaten you

You shouldn't critisise his weight
You should never get to the stage of getting physical during arguments (never)
You shouldn't respond with anger

The affection thing is also an issue, if one person needs it in a relationship and the other cant give it for whatever reason. This causes problems and can be a source of unhappiness.

This relationship needs a lot of space and a lot of work if it's ever going to be healthy.

I'm sorry, it's just my opinion.

[EKGEMS]

Boy you are really an angel aren't you.? You readily admit to being physically abusive in a prior relationship,argumentative and denigrating to your current partner because of his weight? This by no way excuses his quick temper and verbal abuse but you need to get out of this relationship and spare your children any more emotional abuse

[longtimecomin]

You actually sound abusive more than your partner. You're unfaithful and a nag, you critisize, your relationships always have lots of arguments, well you're the only common denominator in those relationships. You need to stay single and work on yourself.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Get rid of him.

[BillieEilish]

No, I think you sounds abusive.

[24kl]

I haven't been unfaithful to him though.
I know I've said some things and hit him but he never felt intimidated or scared of me.

He's unable to argue 'clean' and his swear words, name calling which I stated in my OP have intimidated me and made me feel scared, unsure about him. Surely that's abuse? I read the book "WHY DOES HE DO THAT?" 'Inside the mind angry and controlling men'

It said that if a women lashes out , because she has had enough or upset, it doesn't count as abuse if the man doesn't feel scared.

[user1481840227]

That's absolute bullshit.

You do sound like the abusive one.
A history of cheating on partners, arguing with partners, you've been physically violent to this man, you joke about his weight. You sound like you push and push for an argument and won't let the man end the argument. That's like the recent Johnny Depp tapes that were released. She wouldn't let him end the arguments! SHE was the abusive one...but blamed it all on him!

Sometimes people respond to abuse by getting angry or swearing or so on. He doesn't automatically become the abuser because you feel scared.

[24kl]

Does anyone else believe I'm abusive?
I have slapped him once and pushed him.
However, he has got in my face, shouted and made me feel scared. He's a big guy.

I'm in a bit of confusion, after reading Lundy's book, I was certain DP was abusive.

I have spoke to DP about the possibility that I'm Abusive and he says I'm not. DP hasn't given me space, he wants to get back together.

Where do I turn now?

[user1481840227]

People can respond in ways that mimic abusive behaviour without that meaning that they are abusive.

I have been pushed and pushed to the limit by my ex and responded horribly. If someone witnessed the argument and were unaware of the context they would see him being so calm and collected (as in the water torturer from the Lundy book) with me looking like the aggressor (not physically).

I absolutely wasn't the abusive one though. You can see in the book that the goal of the water torturer (my ex) is to make the victim feel like the abuser...and that the victim can act in ways that may look abusive to outsiders....when in fact it's the other way around!


You can surely see that this relationship is not healthy for you right now. If you are the abusive one and he's saying you're not so how will you actually grow from it? You said you're trying to learn about communication and healthy relationships. You cannot do that within this relationship.

If he is abusive like you say then surely you can see in those circumstances that you shouldn't be in the relationship either!!