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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bad communication or emotional abuse , or both?

35 replies

24kl · 25/06/2020 19:20

Reading lots of threads on MN regarding emotional abuse. I'm currently taking space from my relationship, figuring it all out and I'm looking for strangers thoughts. (Feel a bit silly)

His Good points:

Mature
Great sense of humour
Very generous with money, pays for everything
Very generous with affection
Big job, successful, ambitious
loyal, commitment, would never cheat
On the same page as me, wants a family
Supports and celebrates my achievements
Willing to talk, suggested couples counselling
Does all the blue jobs and shares chores around the house

Bad:

Easily offended by something small
Can't argue clean (swearing, shouting)
Quick tempered in pressured situations
Workaholic

By no means am I faultless or perfect, I can have my selfish, unreasonable moments and mood swings. However, I'm learning ways to communicate better as a person as I've always had issues like this in previous relationships.

OP posts:

Report

user1481840227 · 29/06/2020 15:38

People can respond in ways that mimic abusive behaviour without that meaning that they are abusive.

I have been pushed and pushed to the limit by my ex and responded horribly. If someone witnessed the argument and were unaware of the context they would see him being so calm and collected (as in the water torturer from the Lundy book) with me looking like the aggressor (not physically).

I absolutely wasn't the abusive one though. You can see in the book that the goal of the water torturer (my ex) is to make the victim feel like the abuser...and that the victim can act in ways that may look abusive to outsiders....when in fact it's the other way around!

You can surely see that this relationship is not healthy for you right now. If you are the abusive one and he's saying you're not so how will you actually grow from it? You said you're trying to learn about communication and healthy relationships. You cannot do that within this relationship.

If he is abusive like you say then surely you can see in those circumstances that you shouldn't be in the relationship either!!

24kl · 29/06/2020 15:08

Does anyone else believe I'm abusive?
I have slapped him once and pushed him.
However, he has got in my face, shouted and made me feel scared. He's a big guy.

I'm in a bit of confusion, after reading Lundy's book, I was certain DP was abusive.

I have spoke to DP about the possibility that I'm Abusive and he says I'm not. DP hasn't given me space, he wants to get back together.

Where do I turn now?

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 27/06/2020 15:13

That's absolute bullshit.

You do sound like the abusive one.
A history of cheating on partners, arguing with partners, you've been physically violent to this man, you joke about his weight. You sound like you push and push for an argument and won't let the man end the argument. That's like the recent Johnny Depp tapes that were released. She wouldn't let him end the arguments! SHE was the abusive one...but blamed it all on him!

Sometimes people respond to abuse by getting angry or swearing or so on. He doesn't automatically become the abuser because you feel scared.

24kl · 27/06/2020 15:01

I haven't been unfaithful to him though.
I know I've said some things and hit him but he never felt intimidated or scared of me.

He's unable to argue 'clean' and his swear words, name calling which I stated in my OP have intimidated me and made me feel scared, unsure about him. Surely that's abuse? I read the book "WHY DOES HE DO THAT?" 'Inside the mind angry and controlling men'

It said that if a women lashes out , because she has had enough or upset, it doesn't count as abuse if the man doesn't feel scared.

OP posts:

BillieEilish · 27/06/2020 08:00

No, I think you sounds abusive.

OhioOhioOhio · 27/06/2020 07:47

Get rid of him.

longtimecomin · 27/06/2020 03:48

You actually sound abusive more than your partner. You're unfaithful and a nag, you critisize, your relationships always have lots of arguments, well you're the only common denominator in those relationships. You need to stay single and work on yourself.

EKGEMS · 26/06/2020 19:35

Boy you are really an angel aren't you.? You readily admit to being physically abusive in a prior relationship,argumentative and denigrating to your current partner because of his weight? This by no way excuses his quick temper and verbal abuse but you need to get out of this relationship and spare your children any more emotional abuse

Helpmemoveon76844 · 25/06/2020 22:36

I'm honestly reading this and if you want an honest opinion, given tentatively , because I don't really want to hurt your feelings...

I think you both sound verging on emotionally abusive , maybe actually in emotionally abusive territory.

He shouldn't swear and talk to you aggressively.
He shouldn't pounce on everything negative you say
He shouldn't threaten you

You shouldn't critisise his weight
You should never get to the stage of getting physical during arguments (never)
You shouldn't respond with anger

The affection thing is also an issue, if one person needs it in a relationship and the other cant give it for whatever reason. This causes problems and can be a source of unhappiness.

This relationship needs a lot of space and a lot of work if it's ever going to be healthy.

I'm sorry, it's just my opinion.

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 22:31

No I really couldn't call him that at all based on what you've said.

24kl · 25/06/2020 22:26

Just trying to figure this all out.

Would you call him emotionally abusive?

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:37

You can't expect a relationship where you're allowed to act and react in one way, but the other person has to remain cool, calm and collected no matter what way you act towards them or else they're the bad guy.
You're absolving yourself of any responsibility for your own reactions and actions and putting all responsibility on the other person.

"I might have done this but then you did that so I have to stand up for myself. I can push and slap you but you can't swear at me or tell me that you're trying to control your anger....because that's scary"

That's not how these things work. You don't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship now. You really don't!

We are all humans with buttons and limits. Not just you.

It doesn't matter if the jokes about his weight are infrequent...if a woman posts even one jokey comment her partner made on here about her weight then people jump all over him!! One comment can sting for years!

24kl · 25/06/2020 21:31

[quote user1481840227]@24kl, again you'd be torn apart on here if you were a man and said you made a few jokes about your partners weight!!![/quote]
I'm only saying the bad side, I'm obviously not like this all the time. I'm Learning it's unhealthy, that's why I've taken a step back

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:27

But @24kl you say that it's wrong for him to lose his temper but you said you can't help losing your own temper!

He's a man who is stronger and can be more intimidating, but you're the one who pushed and slapped him.

24kl · 25/06/2020 21:25

@NoMoreDickheads

examples of what the partner says suggest that the OP won't let things drop and goes on and on pushing for a reaction or for the argument to get worse!

'She pushes my buttons' is no excuse, as you know.

Yes true, I've learnt that no matter how I act towards him, it's wrong for him to threaten it or lose his temper like he has or get aggressive. He's a man, he's stronger and more intimidating than a woman

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:22

@24kl, again you'd be torn apart on here if you were a man and said you made a few jokes about your partners weight!!!

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:21

'She pushes my buttons' is no excuse, as you know'

Yet the OP has basically said that he pushes her buttons which is why she reacts that way! Is that ok???

24kl · 25/06/2020 21:21

@user1481840227

He says that I speak to him like shit. The way I speak to him makes him feel like crap. He also says he feels unappreciated and unloved as I'm not affectionate and slag off his weight and push him away. I never have been an affectionate person, he's a couple stone over weight so I've made a few jokes about it but nothing to be really nasty.
With the wrong tone, it's normally if I disregard his opinion on something or tell him to do something. I don't mean to sound mean most of the time.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:20

@NoMoreDickheads

I could never imagine him getting physical

He's threatened you with it, really.

I don't think he did threaten that.

The OP said that she's the one who pushed and slapped him!!

NoMoreDickheads · 25/06/2020 21:20

examples of what the partner says suggest that the OP won't let things drop and goes on and on pushing for a reaction or for the argument to get worse!

'She pushes my buttons' is no excuse, as you know.

NoMoreDickheads · 25/06/2020 21:18

I could never imagine him getting physical

He's threatened you with it, really.

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:13

Missed the part where she said she pushed and slapped the latest one in frustration!

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 21:12

I think if a man wrote this post he'd be torn apart.

2nd relationship - carried insecurities into it, constant arguing, then OP cheated.

3rd relationship - Partner left because of arguing, OP cheated again

This relationship - Constant arguing....examples of what the partner says suggest that the OP won't let things drop and goes on and on pushing for a reaction or for the argument to get worse!

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 20:58

What do you say in those arguments OP?

Helpmemoveon76844 · 25/06/2020 20:56

[quote 24kl]@Helpmemoveon76844

Examples during arguments
"Just shut the fck up, stop repeating yourself, stop arguing"

"Fck off, don't speak to me, I'm warning you I'm getting really angry now and I'm trying to control it"

"You put all the blame on me, what about you!"

I could say something to him in the wrong tone and he'll immediately snap! I refuse to not stand up for myself so I snap back. And you can imagine how that turns out.. shouting, derailing off the issue..

[/quote]
I think this is a lot worse than bad communication.... Actually he is communicating with you very effectively. Unfortunately it is I'm an emotionally manipulative and upsetting way....

I think with your response being heated as well you have got a toxic relationship based off the back of emotional abuse here and these don't improve without work on both sides....

I think you should restart the freedom programme and look at it as a lesson in patience as much as anything else.... What is clear is that this can't continue, it must be exhausting .

I'm sorry , that sounds horrible.

When I said I swear , I didn't mean like that...

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