Can it be possible DH doesn’t realise how EA he can be?

[Ivebeenthinkingtoomuch]

Things have been going wrong for years really and we’ve nearly broke up a few times now but he always begs me back and I stay for the kids.
Problems are I think he can be borderline emotionally abusive and I really don’t think he realises he is, he just thinks he’s right! It’s killing the fire I had in me! I get upset and then feel maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion and it’s making me crazy.
My best friend is begging me to leave and my mum has said he’s bullying me.
I’m just done today and don’t know what to do ☹️

It could be possible if he's just echoing the behaviour he saw growing up. What was the dynamic between his mother and father?

Have you tried couples therapy? It will help him see his behaviour the way it is framed by an outsider.

Give us examples of what he says/does. If your friend and Mum are both begging to you leave I suspect it's far worse than you realise.

Have you read "why does he do that?" By Lundy, or "too good to leave too bad to stay".

He knows. At best, he just doesnt care and at worst he intends to do it. If it is describable as 'bullying' then it's going to be more the later.

He is essentially the playground bully who feels good by making you, his victim, feel bad.

Nope. They know exactly what they're up to.

He knows and every time you go back or give him another chance, he can up the ante and escalate the abuse.

You could try couples therapy.

He may not see that he is abusive but you will see whether he is willing to hear your point of view or not.

Although I had a lot of advice on here to avoid couples therapy with an abusive partner, I actually found it useful.

I realised that even when issues were pointed out in a calm and constructive way by me and the counsellor, exH was totally incapable of "hearing" it and seemed to wipe his brain clean in between each session.

It cured me of thinking that our problems were due to me not expressing myself clearly enough or having unreasonable expectations of our relationship.

I'd be worried if you have friends and family who are able to see the abusive/bullying behaviour.

In my case, on the one hand people were surprised and "hadn't seen it", on the other hand, believed me as exH is pretty "forceful" and not the easiest person (understatement of the year - I thought others didn't see it).

Good grief. Please don't suggest couples therapy to someone who may be with an abuser.

The advice is never to go to therapy with an abusive partner. They can be so manipulative that they can even use it, and the therapist to further manipulate you.

Going to therapy on your own however might be a worthwhile step.

Been there myself, I realised there was nothing I could do other than leave. There's a good book called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft that you should read!

Some of the things he does are undermining me with our DCs, treats me like a child, digs at me and is negative about everything I like.
Sex is a massive issue, he will sulk if he doesn’t get it, when I’m on my period I get no cuddles or affection, if I come home from a night out too drunk to do it he’ll go nuts and sulk. There’s just so many little things but they all add up when they’re everyday.
Just today he has bought something for DS that I said under no circumstances can he have (completely inappropriate for an 8yo) and told me I can’t even get the food shopping right as needed a little top up of money to get us through to Tuesday.

I don’t think he’d go to counselling anyway, his stepmum forced them to go when he was younger and he hated it and thought it was a waste of time.

Well he certainly is abusive.

None of those things are 'little things' though.
You deserve better and so do your little ones. But you'll never get it from him.

He sounds awful please end it.

Who cares if he realises it or not? Abusers never think they're abusive, they always think it's your fault.

The sex stuff alone is a reason to end it
Definitely abusive

They don't call it abuse, but they do it on purpose. It's fine, though, because they're great, you're stupid and it's all in everyone's best interests that you do what they think is best.

Can't reason with that. 🤷‍♀️

Couples counselling is NEVER recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. This is because the abuser will likely try and manipulate the counsellor into taking his side, also you as his target are not emotionally safe enough to do such sessions with him anyway.

What do you get out of this relationship now. You must be getting some need met so what is it?.

He knows he is abusive and he does not care about hurting you and in turn his children who are also seeing their mother being abused.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Do not continue to do your bit here to show them this treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level. Staying for the sake of the children is a terrible idea and teaches them rubbish lessons about relationships as well as placing a too heavy burden on them. It could also be argued you are not staying for their sake at all but more like your own because it’s somehow easier. Would you want them to be abusers or abused in their adult relationships?. Of course not but you’re showing them this treatment of you is still acceptable to you.

Please enlist the help of family and Women’s Aid to get yourself and your kids away from your abuser. How can you be helped into leaving this man?.

I think it’s completely possible he doesn’t realise - and possibly he IS genuinely sorry the next hour/ day after he’s been abusive. But I bet it never changes and never will. Agree with PP who said read the Lundy Bancroft book.

Last time we decided to split, I had money to borrow from my mum and started to look for houses to move into (can’t stay here, we live next door to his mum 🙄) he then love bombed me for the next month and begged me to stay so I did.
I don’t get an awful lot from this relationship any more but the kids are so happy and they’re my weakness.
I’m too afraid of upsetting everyone and worrying the kids will hate me. I just need to say it but I haven’t got the backbone too 😞
Last time was initiated by him because of the lack of sex. Wish I just stuck at it 😞

God I sound like such a mope! I’m honestly not, I’d never have said I’d be a woman who’d be like this! I’m strong and stand up for myself! But I’ve lost all that when it comes to my family and him.

Bit he will bully and manipulate your DC too, you are just too in the FOG to recognise it at the moment.

The kids only want to see you happy but you are showing them an unhappy and scared mother because you are being abused by their dad.

Your children will not hate you if you were to leave their abusive father. Your relationship with them going forward could be damaged if you stay with your abuser because they could well accuse you of putting him before them. One day your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later if they grow up seeing all this abuse at first hand too. It will harm them markedly and they will likely have problems with both forming and recognising healthy adult relationships.

You have a spine and you are not as powerless as you think you are. You are married to this man and thus have legal rights in law, I would urge you to exercise those fully. He just wants you to think you are powerless and or are nothing without him.

Men like your abuser love supposedly strong women like you because they see them as a further challenge to bring down to their base level. Just as he has done with you to get you to this low point you are now at.

Your boundaries, already perhaps weakened by previous poor relationship experiences, are further being eroded by your abusive husband now. Do not let this man further ruin both your life and those of your kids. You have a choice here re this man, your children do not.

I’ve been with him since I was 19, so 15 years, he’s the only proper relationship I’ve ever had. He’s had a couple of relationships before me as he’s a bit older.
On the outside we look like we have the perfect marriage, beautiful home, everyone thinks it’s great.
Time to get my ducks in a row I think and grow some balls. I don’t earn a lot of money so will have to try and save a little and ask my mum if she’ll lend me like she was going to. God I feel guilty already

Mate, you are not a mope, he is doing your head in with his abuse.