Unequal spending.

[Sierralo]

Each month DH and I pay into the joint accounts, one is for all our bills, the other for leisure, things the DCs need, holidays and christmas.

Then we are both left with the same amount of disposable spending money each month- £250.

I spend mine on clothes, hair products, skin products, flowers, the odd meal out with DH or friends, therapy.

He doesn't appear to buy anything. Other than he will pay for takeaways when it's his turn to cook and he can't be bothered to, or if he wants to go out for a meal, he will pay for it (and vice versa but I prefer to cook as opposed to spend my money on food).

Jointly, we have more disposable income personally than we pay into the family account, I would rather pay more into that and have less for ourselves but DH says we don't have enough for ourselves.

During lockdown, we have obviously not been spending as much on ourselves and I've requested several times that we pay more into the family account, DH is always reluctant.

I then learn that there isn't enough going into our bills account as our grocery spending has increased, so our balance is now minus. I've said that we need to pay more money across from our personal accounts. He has then informed me that he is deep into his overdraft and is paying it off, hence him not wanting to pay more money to the bills or family accounts.

I wander in and out of my overdraft throughout the month by maybe 200 here and there, but he tells me he's in his by 1000. Again.

This isn't the first time.
For 2 years, he had £100 more disposable income than me so that he could pay off his overdraft. He didn't pay it off.

We had some inheritance a couple of years ago and he said he would pay off his overdraft. He did so. But he's in it again.

He has nothing to show for it but I can only assume that he's spending a lot on his motorsports hobbies.

So, although we're technically having the same disposable spending money. He is clearly over-spending and were back to paying off his overdraft all over again whilst the family pot and bills account just bobs above water.

He won't even consider a joint disposable money account.

I'm frustrated and fed up of him overspending. If I speak to him about it, he will just tell me I don't earn enough money and that I need to get a new job. I reduced my hours to part-time after DC2 was born. This was through needing so for my mental health as I wasn't coping with the load at home and FT work. My plan is to return to FT when DC2 goes to school. But until then, finances are a little tight, but DH carries on plummeting into his overdraft. In the meanwhile, the bills account is now in the red and there isn't a financial cushion for emergencies.

Does anyone have advice?

Look at all your out going bills and cut luxury items.
Sky, no phone upgrades, are contracts due, go to line only.
Tell him no holidays or take aways.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you. We have the two joint accounts for bills/ food + leisure. Except my DH's debt is 8k, again! It honestly makes me so mad. Like yours, it keeps happening and I am met with answers like 'it will be sorted out' and 'it doesn't bother me like it does you'.

However, we pay his car payments out of the bill account and I pay mine from my personal account. I also have to pay my student loan and have just started a pension (as SE) and his are already taken before being paid.

I pay for the majority of our holidays and all the weekend always. I also pay for the home improvements (his argument is that I wanted them to do them/ Buy them). Whilst I think in the meantime he's clearing his debt, I always find it it's another grand higher than 6 months before!! 🤯

You need to have a serious conversation with your dh.
He is getting the family into debt again and that affects you all. Are you sure the debt is from motorsport? How is that possible in lockdown? The fact that he won’t share details of his leisure account implies he is hiding something.
If he won’t discuss it, I’d reduce spending on household things he likes. Buy fishfingers rather than steak, cheaper beer (or no beer ) . Make it clear to him that he isn’t contributing enough for your current lifestyle.

Work our how many months you have left as part time. Convince him that for the remaining months he needs to spend less on hobbies.
In the long term though I’m not sure I could live with someone who is financially irresponsible. I’d always be waiting for the next admission of a big debt. Sorry

It's maybe online gambling. Unfortunately it's highly addictive. I would recommend you find out if there are major debts.

At the moment as a unit you are living beyond your means and you both need to pay more. Your options are really limited but if he is prepared to see his family go without, is he really a keeper?

Who looks after the joint account? Have you done a list of all the outgoings you’re check if the only reason for the overspending is an increase on food in lockdown? If it is, I’d do what a pp suggests, just pull that back if you can, cut out any luxuries. I think you can only control what is yours to control in a situation like this tbh.

Well it’s obvious more money needs to go into the main account if it’s going into the overdraft - I’m not sure how you make this happen though if he won’t listen to you.

I think it’s worrying he keeps getting into debt - but I’m the one who is a bit like this in our marriage. Dh manages his money really well and I’m a spender. I regularly have a credit card debt and am in my overdraft. We both have the same amount of spending money and that’s how I choose to use mine...! But - we have enough in the house account that it doesn’t affect it, and dh doesn’t care as it doesn’t affect his own spending money. I’m just not good at being sensible...!

Each month DH and I pay into the joint accounts, one is for all our bills, the other for leisure, things the DCs need, holidays and christmas.
Where is the amount for savings? A cushion for when things getting really tough (ie not just regular bills going unpaid, but maybe if one of you loses their job - a possibility post-Covid economic dip whilst companies retrench)? Or other life limiting event?

You need to have serious words as you dont want anymore surprises round the corner , do you pay for childcare? I know you said you reduced your hours and work part time , no way in hell should he use that against you, if just done the exact same gone from 5 days to 3 days , me and DH earn roughly the same now I'm 3 days , we half all the Bill's and food money and have 60 quid a weeks spends , we save 700 a month that goes in joint savings , he needs to start viewing it as both your money not his you are a team
I'm the spender in our relationship but my argument is being a woman is more expensive

Also are you eligible to claim the Marriage Tax Allowance (link below). You can get this claim backdated to April 2016. I think any backdated payment comes by cheque so see if you can handle that cheque and keep it safe for financial emergencies.

www.gov.uk/marriage-allowance

Up until this point, I've thought, his money, he can do what he likes. But when we get to a point that we need to start paying more into the joint accounts, he won't do it. His argument is that the interest in his personal disposable account is higher than in the bills account which is now also over-drawn. This is frustrating for me when my own account is now in the green throigh lockdown and I "could" transfer more money across to the bills account. But why should I pay more in purely because I'm more responsible with money than he is?
He thinks he's wonderful with money, this ia another bug bear. He will just argue that he pays for more meals out than me which is why he is further in his overdraft. He chooses to pay for meals out though, I budget and he doesn't-this is actually the reason my financial situation is better than his.
As for a financial cushion. I dread the day that something expensive breaks or we need a new washing machine as there just isn't any money for it.

What is his income? £250 isn't an unreasonable amount of disposable income for a person so I can understand why he doesn't want to reduce. However I guess it would be good to know why he has an overdraft. I would like to know if it was my husband but equally I am not sure you can demand it.

Grocery is much more expensive in lockdown but holidays spending will be less so think you need to move the allocations around so that grocery is allocated more.

I don't think you should make a big deal of this as he must have some person control over his own finances and be allowed to make his own decisions/mistakes. Concern would be of he is gambling as that could get out of control.

It is common for one partner to have tighter financial control but that doesn't mean he is completely wrong. He has a point as working part time has meant there is less money in the pot.

Well he must be spending the money on something? Where is it going?
I have always had my own account, but all spending is discussed and all family expenditure is shared.

Why did you not know that your bills account was overdrawn? If we ever go near using our over draft I get a text alert, and it is great as we can transfer money straight away. I think you need to perhaps take control of the joint money for a bit so you can see what is happening.

He needs to realise that a budget is just that
Me and DH save roughly 700 as previously stated because in 3/4 years time we want to move
It's hard and would be so easy to spend more but a budget is that
For example my 60 quid this week went on a new bra and a toy for DD . thats it now purchase made yesterday so I know in my head cant spend for another week , it's a mindset that he needs to adapt. I would.suggeet sitting down with him again , write down every single.penny if income every outgoing then agree right this is what we need for food , this is for emergencies, you need an emergency fund even if this is a tenner a week

@Techway he has a point in working part time ? Really, I'm sure OP.has already clearly stated this was for childcare reasons, do you have young children? Have you any idea how much nursery fees are and how.sometimes you are better off reducing your hours and getting that quality time with little ones than giving all your money to nursery
Maybe OP should bill her husband for.childcare seen as how she has made the sacrifice to reduce her hours for the family.

By paying for holidays , your making it ok for him to dodge the truth.
Stop doing away days after lockdown.
Tell him the same as he tells you about house improvements.

@Sierralo
From memory my friend got back around £1000 in backdated marriage allowance.

@Cuntycovid, yep, been there with young children and actually it gets tougher with primary age. Either spending has to be reduced or income increased, it is one of those choices.
I don't think £250 is an unreasonable amount to spend so asking him to reduce it might not be the best outcome. Especially if it causes resentment.

I think they need to look at the other budgets first.

It's maybe online gambling

If he into the practical side of motorsports i.e. actually building or modifying cars/bikes it can soak up a lot of money with not a lot to show for it. My husband is sensible but a friend of his actually had a secret bank account set up to hide how much he was spending on his racing motorbikes.

If he is

His argument is that the interest in his personal disposable account is higher than in the bills account

Is that his personal account which is £1k into his overdraft? Or what am I missing?

I'd ask him how much interest he has earned over the years. Well, no I probably wouldn't. I couldn't live with someone who prioritised their personal spends when the household account is in overdraft.

Sorry, OP

Leaving aside some of the issues, the core problem is that your household budget is overdrawn due to increased food costs. I expect the utilities bills increased as well. This is a fairly common experience in lockdown. But so is saving against leisure, transport, clothing and holidays. Why hasn’t this happened? I find it very hard to believe this doesn’t balance out.

Personally I would be wanting to review the budgets and expenditure across both the household accounts before I committed to putting anymore money in the pot. As other pps have mentioned there could be scope for cutting back.

The other issue that you are highlighting is that you are annoyed about how he manages his personal spending and account. As you have agreed to have personal accounts and spending, this is perhaps unfair and intrusive. This wouldn’t go down well with me. I also think it is a distraction from changing things going forward.

I think it is right that as a couple you review your overall financial budgeting. There needs to be an emergency fund instead of the largesse spending on Leisure, takeaways and eating out. If the independent is a bone of contention have it out and reach a compromise.

My income has reduced due to lockdown as I am bow WFH and used to work over time and there isn't any WFH.

This is why there is no extra money in the family/leisure account at present as the funds going into it have had to reduce.

I think many families are in a similar boat with reduced income due to lockdown.

A motorsport hobby of any kind is not cheap !!
I think if he’s not gambling or taking drugs then that’s where he’s spending his cash . £250 a month won’t do much.

There are two ways you take this. One you and your husband can cast around blame about where you both are with the finances. But this was the arrangement you both agreed to. It won’t get resolved by pulling apart.

Or you can face up to the situation you are in and agree as a team that what you agreed doesn’t work and new ground rules need to be set. You have lost income and there is overspending. You don’t have a rainy day fund now that it is pouring. With all due respect that should have been in place before you put aside money for holidays, leisure and personal spends on take away, eating out flowers and hobbies. But those are the choices you have to make as a couple and live with as a couple.