Unequal spending.

[Sierralo]

Each month DH and I pay into the joint accounts, one is for all our bills, the other for leisure, things the DCs need, holidays and christmas.

Then we are both left with the same amount of disposable spending money each month- £250.

I spend mine on clothes, hair products, skin products, flowers, the odd meal out with DH or friends, therapy.

He doesn't appear to buy anything. Other than he will pay for takeaways when it's his turn to cook and he can't be bothered to, or if he wants to go out for a meal, he will pay for it (and vice versa but I prefer to cook as opposed to spend my money on food).

Jointly, we have more disposable income personally than we pay into the family account, I would rather pay more into that and have less for ourselves but DH says we don't have enough for ourselves.

During lockdown, we have obviously not been spending as much on ourselves and I've requested several times that we pay more into the family account, DH is always reluctant.

I then learn that there isn't enough going into our bills account as our grocery spending has increased, so our balance is now minus. I've said that we need to pay more money across from our personal accounts. He has then informed me that he is deep into his overdraft and is paying it off, hence him not wanting to pay more money to the bills or family accounts.

I wander in and out of my overdraft throughout the month by maybe 200 here and there, but he tells me he's in his by 1000. Again.

This isn't the first time.
For 2 years, he had £100 more disposable income than me so that he could pay off his overdraft. He didn't pay it off.

We had some inheritance a couple of years ago and he said he would pay off his overdraft. He did so. But he's in it again.

He has nothing to show for it but I can only assume that he's spending a lot on his motorsports hobbies.

So, although we're technically having the same disposable spending money. He is clearly over-spending and were back to paying off his overdraft all over again whilst the family pot and bills account just bobs above water.

He won't even consider a joint disposable money account.

I'm frustrated and fed up of him overspending. If I speak to him about it, he will just tell me I don't earn enough money and that I need to get a new job. I reduced my hours to part-time after DC2 was born. This was through needing so for my mental health as I wasn't coping with the load at home and FT work. My plan is to return to FT when DC2 goes to school. But until then, finances are a little tight, but DH carries on plummeting into his overdraft. In the meanwhile, the bills account is now in the red and there isn't a financial cushion for emergencies.

Does anyone have advice?

I think the principle of how you're doing things is very sound and more people should do it. Having a certain amount that you're each free to spend according to your own priorities each month is really important.

But if he won't acknowledge that the payments in for running the household are insufficient, then that's another problem. Having tried and failed to explain it to him, the only thing I can suggest is that you start not buying some of the things that really need to be bought, and make sure they're the things that he wants. Explain to him at dinner that there is no this, that or the other because the grocery account didn't allow for it.

That's pretty petty though. But I can't think what else to do.

I agree @lemonTT, other things should come before flowers, hair products and everything else. BUT when he's taking a lump for his hobbies each month, I just think well why the hell should I pay everything and have less money for myself.

And yes, he builds and rides motorbikes, definitely no gambling but a hobby that sucks up cash very very easily.

@FifteenToes I agree with your answer too.

I have said no more beers being bought on the grocery shop and asked him to just pay in £100 for the beer he's had over the course of the month. He said no. He's still arguing that he won't pay more interest on his personal account as the interest in the groceries account is less.
Also, he does the online grocery shop which tbh, has got us into a pickle as he's overspent not on anything for himself other than beer. But he seems to have an issue with budgeting.

This is another area of housework which I'll now have to over-see. I find this frustrating as it seems to confirm that if I don't do the lions share in the home, it gets done poorly.

Motor sport is a very expensive hobby that costs more that £250 a month. My guess is that he earns more than he tells you he does, as well as funding it though his overdraft.

The hard truth is that he can’t afford this hobby unless he earns more. So he needs a better paid job or a second job.

That’s without considering the beer money and the take aways.

Id love to know which bank has a current account which pays you interest on your overdraft?

I’d also like to know watches the kids while he does his sport and how many weekends off you get To do your hobbies ?

@PAND0RA it is extremely expensive, but luckily for him, he has a wealthy uncle who invests in his hobby. He doesn't pay for everything, but probably pays more than 50%.

Of course I watch the kids.

He has decreased his commitment to his hobby a lot since the DCs were born, but it is still burning a lot of money.

I could pay more into the bills account to put it back in the green again, but feel resentful when he won't pay any in from his share.

Am I being petty?

You should pay into your joint account proportionate to your income, which should change as your incomes change (for instance, now if you are earning more or less relative to each other). But it sounds like yes, you collectively need to pay in more at the start of the month. Who does the paying in depends on how much you each make.

As for getting out of his overdraft, 1000 isn't much for someone who owns a lot of expensive kit. Could he not just sell a few things to get out of his overdraft? It seems silly to have a garage full of expensive hobby kit and be paying interest on an overdraft.

And then going forward, you need to have an equitable amount in your personal accounts. Maybe he could get rid of his overdraft? Then he wouldn't spend more than he can afford.

He always "forgets" to get rid of his overdraft once he's paid it off 🙄

So you watch the kids when he spends weekends doing his hobby. Do you get the same number of child free weekends to do what you want, while he watches the children ?

I’d be surprised if £250 / month covers half of his hobby. Minus all his other treats.

Of course you should not pay the extra from your personal “fun money“ , you are not being petty at all. It sounds like he takes more than he gives in your family, you have been ignoring that for years and now this is the final straw.