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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD .. concerned for ex's new GF

36 replies

mug2018 · 24/06/2020 23:55

Long story short: divorced ex April 19 due to his coercive control, emotional & financial abuse.

We have a DD aged 12 who he now 'controls' .. but that's a different thread
Since our Divorce he has had 3 GFs, each one he has introduced our daughter to within weeks of their meeting & said he is moving in with them.. he's then been dumped.
His latest GF he met just before lockdown. He described her to our daughter as "she's nice, drives a Mercedes & has her own 4 bed house" .. fast forward out of lockdown & he announced to our daughter that they are getting married. DD is devastated but that aside, I am very concerned for his GF.
I know it's non of my business, but having lived with this man who is a narcissist & financial predator (he ran up £100k of debt in 5years before we divorced & £30k of debt since we divorced) I know exactly what his game is with this poor lady.
She is fairly recently divorced & is deaf (only relevant as I think she is vulnerable to coercive attention))
She has a 12 DS, & ex H is looking to book wedding asap to secure a paid for future.
WWYD .. I know she's a 'grown up' responsible for her own decisions but I know how he operates & just feel very worried for her

OP posts:
Wyntersdiary · 25/06/2020 00:17

I would send her a letter stating that it is of course up to her what she does but you would feel awful if you didnt warn her about him
and then state everything youve mentioned.

She either believes or doesnt but at least mention that if she does marry... Keep her assets away from him

Wyntersdiary · 25/06/2020 00:18

She should at least test him o_0

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 25/06/2020 00:31

If you are confident there wouldn't be any repercussions for you the kindest thing would be to let her know what he did to you and then step away. She needs to make up her own mind.

just5morepeas · 25/06/2020 00:57

I agree with Oblahdeeoblahdoe

GilbertMarkham · 25/06/2020 01:40

I would screen shot of copy your op on this thread and send it to her, through whatever means is most likely to be seen by her and not seen/intercepted by him.

If she proceeds,you've done everything you can.

user1481840227 · 25/06/2020 01:52

I'd like to warn her too....but if she met him just before lockdown and has already agreed to marry him then I can't imagine her listening to you. It all sounds very intense.

JustC · 25/06/2020 07:04

I would feel like I had to warn her. Imagine how diff your life could have been if someone had told you. Imagine how much pain you could spare her. I do not have a good solution of HOW you should go about it though.

PicsInRed · 25/06/2020 07:09

I'll go against the grain here and say that you have no obligation to warn her, on the basis that it could make life much more dangerous for both yourself and your daughter.

Smellbellina · 25/06/2020 07:14

Was any of the DV reported to the police?

CodenameVillanelle · 25/06/2020 07:17

What would the consequences be for your daughter if you start meddling with his relationship?
If this woman was a friend of yours then by all means warn her. If you had no children with him then you'd have nothing to lose. But she is a grown woman and your child's wellbeing is paramount- she has no choice but to navigate this abusive man it seems whereas the partner has a choice. Don't make it worse for DD.

slipperywhensparticus · 25/06/2020 07:21

She went believe you

slipperywhensparticus · 25/06/2020 07:21

Wont

WinningEveryDay · 25/06/2020 07:28

Don't do a thing. She won't believe you and you'll just look like the jealous, bitter ex.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/06/2020 07:56

I admire your ethics enormously
But a risk assessment is needed

Can you get the data and risk it doesn’t bounce back on you?
Is there a risk she won’t beleive you

Can you get a message to her in a way that’s completely anonymous

MyleneFarmer · 25/06/2020 08:24

if any of DV has been reported to the police you can anonymously suggest she does a Clare's Law check

hellsbellsmelons · 25/06/2020 09:23

I am all for warning her, however....
This could end very badly for you and your DD.
She's been seeing the twat for only a few months, is newly out of a divorce and is already considering marrying him!
She doesn't sound stable.
What ever you send, she will show to your Ex and the repercussions are just not worth the risk.
Your intentions are good, and absolutely right.
In this situation though, I'd leave it.

Iamnotmad · 25/06/2020 09:44

I tried this. The person I tried to warn took no notice. Unfortunately, a lot of men are complete rats and they will always behave the way they do. Are you going to warn the whole of womankind that your ex is a despicable piece of ? Because once he finishes with one woman, he will move on to the next one, and then the next one and so on (as he already has done). Stay out of it, because it is a form of score settling on your part, and instead focus on caring for yourself and your nearest and dearest. Life is very unfair and cruel so just make sure the most important people (including yourself) are looked after.

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/06/2020 09:45

I would warn her anonymously. It could be you or it could be previous partners he can't say it was you. Tell her to check out his financials and divorce papers. Tell her you are only telling her because you can't in good conscience let this happen to another woman and explain that he is dangerous and say that if she doesn't believe you that you understand but ask her not to say anything to him. Because it could put you at risk. Ask her to check him out first as this is his pattern.

Tell her. How could you live with yourself if you didn't?

If you have proof then you could send it to her and not be anonymous but ask her please please not to say anything to him as you and your child would be in danger.

A deaf woman. Someone who isn't going to have the chats that can't be kept to use. No little comments from DD to her apart from by text which he could see. Controlling, sly cunt.

LexMitior · 25/06/2020 09:53

Stay out of it. She does not sound stable: she will not believe you as you will be the crazy ex.

Your duty is to your daughter. Not this woman. You should be vastly more worried about your ex’s controlling conduct towards your child.

She is a grown woman, not a child.

GilbertMarkham · 25/06/2020 10:07

because it is a form of score settling on your part

I don't get that impression at all from op:s post.

I would have been incredibly grateful if any of my abusive ex's previous partners hsc tried to warn me ... Even if I hadn't finished at the time/immediately - they would t have been s or to gaslight me about their behaviour and I wouldn't have questioned myself be use if have know they'd done it before and I was right in thinking it was them, not "us".

GilbertMarkham · 25/06/2020 10:09

Warnings like this are like warning a teenager about something - they may apparently disregard it .. but it's still in their head. It does gave an effect.

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/06/2020 10:16

Exactly Gilbert - she might not believe it but then she will do a credit check, a bit of homework and suddenly....

If I received such a note I'd actually contact the ex and try and get a feel for if it was malicious or not. It's a big allegation and to dismiss it out of hand is foolish. Too many women do, and live to regret it.

Why not say nothing, contact the ex to see if there's proof or they are a raving loony and then decide? Peoples exes are not always spiteful bitches... some men can be pretty shit. As well we know.

Musti · 25/06/2020 10:52

I would tell her. Tell her that you wish someone had warned you. Tell her if she goes ahead with marriage to make sure she protects her assets as you wouldn't like to see her and her child struggle.

TooTrueToBeGood · 25/06/2020 10:58

Personally, I think you've suffered enough at his hands. Cut yourself free and don't take responsibility for his actions or abuses. where does it end If you take it upon yourself to warn this latest GF? What about the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that?

Original poster
mug2018 · 25/06/2020 11:01

Thank you. I agree with all of your comments. My 'interference' however well intended, I know will have terrible repercussions on both my DD & myself with no guarantee that she would believe me anyway.

It's in my interest that he does marry her as it hopefully will reduce the abuse & control he currently asserts on our DD.
Whilst it is of no consequence to me what happens, I can't help but feel a sense of concern & protection towards a fellow mum who is walking straight into a nightmare
I just hope one of her friends or family will get her to look more closely as what appears to be too good to be true, if I can't find a way on anonymously 'warning' her Sad
Thank you for seeing my post for my true intentions & not as someone seeking to seek revenge on the Ex: I waste no energy on him.

OP posts:
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