WWYD .. concerned for ex's new GF

[mug2018]

Long story short: divorced ex April 19 due to his coercive control, emotional & financial abuse.

We have a DD aged 12 who he now 'controls' .. but that's a different thread
Since our Divorce he has had 3 GFs, each one he has introduced our daughter to within weeks of their meeting & said he is moving in with them.. he's then been dumped.
His latest GF he met just before lockdown. He described her to our daughter as "she's nice, drives a Mercedes & has her own 4 bed house" .. fast forward out of lockdown & he announced to our daughter that they are getting married. DD is devastated but that aside, I am very concerned for his GF.
I know it's non of my business, but having lived with this man who is a narcissist & financial predator (he ran up £100k of debt in 5years before we divorced & £30k of debt since we divorced) I know exactly what his game is with this poor lady.
She is fairly recently divorced & is deaf (only relevant as I think she is vulnerable to coercive attention))
She has a 12 DS, & ex H is looking to book wedding asap to secure a paid for future.
WWYD .. I know she's a 'grown up' responsible for her own decisions but I know how he operates & just feel very worried for her

I wish my best friend had listened when her dh ex wife came to her and begged her not to marry him. I am also guilty as I am one of the people who told her the ex is just jealous and stirring up trouble. We all fell for it. He was the most charming, generous man before she got pregnant. Always hosting at his, encouraging weekends away. Couldn’t do enough for you. Proper family man. We went on holiday together several times. Would regularly speak about his ex wife about what a monster she was and how she was trying to keep their dc from him.

Ex wife came to my friend about a week before the wedding saying she couldn’t live with herself if she kept quiet. Obviously he convinced us all that she was crazy. We had no reason not to believe him.

She was right about everything. 10 years down the line, I haven’t seen my best friend for almost 2 years. Spoken to her on the phone, briefly, twice in that time. He’s cut her off from everyone and is physically, mentally and financially abusive. Looking back now, I feel like the signs were there and we ignored them.

I think you should try and speak to her if you can. Be prepared that it will more than likely come back to bite you. There’s a small chance she may believe you but a bigger chance that you will be made to look jealous and petty.

You have to decide if that’s a risk you’re willing to take. You also have to decide how it will impact your and your dd’s life when he finds out what you’ve done.

You could but would she believe you?
Are you going to warn every woman he meets?
You could let her know in a heads up kinda way but it could backfire.
If he's working on her already with the brainwashing lovebombing abuse, she won't listen.
I would just be careful.

@GruffBelow .. this is exactly how he operates.
My Ex showed similar behaviour to your friends husband, but soon alienated me from friends & family. He has no friends himself & abuses his own mum, so no family loyalty either ( he tried to sue his sister over an inheritance they shared when he'd blown his half £60k in 3 months!)
I just hope my Ex's GF has friends that will make her see sense, as I agree; it'll cause me a lot of trouble & why would she believe anything I say
So very sad 😔

[quote mug2018]@GruffBelow .. this is exactly how he operates.
My Ex showed similar behaviour to your friends husband, but soon alienated me from friends & family. He has no friends himself & abuses his own mum, so no family loyalty either ( he tried to sue his sister over an inheritance they shared when he'd blown his half £60k in 3 months!)
I just hope my Ex's GF has friends that will make her see sense, as I agree; it'll cause me a lot of trouble & why would she believe anything I say
So very sad 😔 [/quote]
Very sad and awful for the poor woman, and for you

It is very sad but you can't protect everyone he meets and abuses. At some point, you have to step back and not get involved anymore to the point of what he does with other people is irrelevant to you

It may trigger you and you have to protect yourself.
Warn her if you think she will listen but remember you are not with him anymore, save your energy or it will keep dragging you down.

Maybe you can send anonymous proof eg screenshot of debt, something that could be got by anyone in theory. You could say you are a friend of an ex and heard about this and couldn't say nothing.

She's deaf and so some of the informal avenues open to her for information are closed. Please tell her. She doesn't deserve to lose everything she's worked for, just because a minor disability stopped her from having enough information or seeing the red flags

That's a good point from you OP. You can warn her friends or family. Beg them not to tell and get them to check him out. But act quickly because once it goes too far she won't want to derail her 'dream'

I mean beg them not to tell her where they got the info from! Obviously they need to tell her. Point them in the direction of proof.

This almost exact thing happened with my ex but pre lockdown. Met in August, moved in September and engaged by December. There's no way I'd get involved because I know the come back to me would be awful and much as I feel for his poor new victim, if someone had told me when I first met him, he would've manipulated me into believing his ex was crazy and I would have believed it. I know you want to help but I think it would end up hurting you more

Do not get involved. It’s a sad truth that men like this don’t just romance the target woman, but all their support. If he’s done it properly then he will have charmed then and you will have been described as the crazy ex.

Frankly a woman with a bit of experience should be very wary of Mr Charming who has been kicked out of their home by a crazy ex who is looking after his children most of the time. Nothing about it adds up but if you get the crazy ex line, it simply means they were responsible for that crazy making.

You will not save this woman. Women do not believe other women and their earnings. They just decide often they offer more than the ex and therefore they are better as a partner etc. It’s a huge blind spot for us because lots of women regard the ex as competition. You see it all the time here. The woman displaces the judgment of her own mind and other women to believe the man.

Why? Because she wants to. We all like fairy stories where the prince arrives to rescue you.

Warnings not earnings!