Help me block a narcissist!

[Helpmemoveon76844]

Regular poster, NC for this ...

I got rid of a narcissist last summer,
10 months ago.

I think he is a classic covert narcissist ( please just read that as fact, he displays every sign and symptom of having it) and he put me through hell, we were together for 6 years, and it was the worst and most abusive relationship of my life.

I honestly think he hates me , he betrayed me and abused me so often I don't even want to think about it.

Last summer I found out he was sleeping with my daughters ( not his daughter, mine , we don't have a child together) friends from school mum, he met her at a school event thingy . Anyway... It gave me all I needed to end the relationship. But I can't seem to actually block him on everything.

He emailed tonight and it just started off innocently but he just gets under my skin and I don't know how he does it

Now I feel sick and angry with myself. Why do I keep letting him do this?

Help me block him. And tell me he doesn't contact me because he loves me, he contacts me to get a bit of attention for five minutes.

What? He was seeing you and now he's sleeping with your child? How old is she?

No. That’s not what it says.

I'm sorry, misread. He's sleeping with the daughter of a friend.

Why are you still in contact with him OP? What's going on?

No... Sorry , my daughter's friend from schools mum. Not my daughter, she's still in primary school . Sorry .

@m00rfarm yes I realise that now, thank you.

What exactly do you need help with? You’ve diagnosed him with a serious personality disorder, you know he’s shagging someone else, you don’t have to have anything to do with him so literally just block him. I’m sure you’ll feel better.

Why are you still in contact with him OP? What's the difficulty in letting go?

I honestly don't know. She never left her husband so he's lonely... And he's emailing me to tell me that, he wants us to be friends. ( I made up a boyfriend and everything to get him to back off) I kind of wanted him to see me be fabulous and get over him but I just can't seem to block him.

I do it , and unblock five minutes later.

I'm an idiot.

Beating yourself up isn’t helping. You’re choosing to engage with him. Sorry but making up a fantasy boyfriend so he gets jealous is really daft behaviour. You have to help yourself. No one can do it for you.

I don't know... I know I'm being pathetic. I don't want to think about him any more. But I can't seem to stop.

It's really hard OP. The problem is, the longer you do this, the harder it will continue to be.

How about this. Block him on all forms of social media and your phone for thirty days. Go completely cold turkey. Mark it on your calendar and work your way towards it. At the end of each week, reward yourself with something nice. If you trip up, then it's back to day one I'm afraid.

Take up something to replace this 'addiction' for want of a better word. Yoga, running, a hobby, anything to take your mind of things. See how you feel after the 30 days.

This also points to something deeper OP, the fact that you are allowing this abusive person into your life and to chip away at your self esteem. What's going on there? Perhaps it's an idea to get some counselling to work on that.

Give yourself a target. I am not going to unblock him for one day. Once you've reached that you know you can go longer. Aim for 1 week then 2. Then a month. Slowly, you'll realise you are no longer waiting for that target day, you'll have passed it without realising. Itll get easier. Find things to distract you when you feel weak or curious, post here! You can do it!

I know. It's childish. I don't contact him but I choose to respond to him. It's like I'm just used to doing it. I have to just block him and keep doing it. I feel like an idiot with this. I am sorry.

You're not being an idiot, it sounds as though your self esteem has taken a knock and contact from him makes you feel better. It's a matter of working on yourself, building your confidence, focusing on you and being kind to yourself. Keeping in contact with him is a form of self harm because you feel so bad afterwards.

Can I suggest something OP? You know something about personality types. Now write an analysis of your personality. As if you were a psychologist. Everything about how you function, what's important to you, what you value. Once you have that list, decide if it best serves your interests to stay in touch with this man. This isn't a dress rehearsal for life, it's the real thing. It matters howyou spend your days.

I blocked him on my phone but not on email. I just thought he would take the hint. I think the 30 days block is a good idea. I think I could do that because in my mind he won't reach out during that time anyway. He's did his best to upset me so he might be happy for a while. (I didn't show him I was upset , I know that's what he wants).

Hopefully I just won't unblock. I will do that, it's payday tomorrow so I can use that as a measure... Just get to next payday.

I know I'm ridiculous, I read stories on here about woman who can do amazing things after an awful break up. It's not like our relationship was any more special than anyone else. It was awful.

I think I might look into counselling. I've been reading and stuff like that but I'm going round in circles in my mind. I am sorry .

You have to want to cut contact with him. In all directions at all times.

And you have to view it as something within your control. Stop describing it as something that just happens or that you can't help. You can. (Stop calling yourself names too, it is feeding your powerless self image).

Nobody can physically stop you from choosing to engage with him. We can't sit here and "persuade" you to do something you already know you don't want to do.

Why do you unblock him and respond? Because you want him to want you? You want to feel connected to him? You want him to contact you and to know when he does?

Whatever emotional needs it meets, you need to learn either to meet yourself or to be able to sit and wait for the emotions to pass.

That's what has to change.

I did a lot of reading after it all came out last year. I was in a really bad place, I had also just been diagnosed with arthritis ( I'm early 30s) and I was in a really, really bad place. I am so grateful I had to keep going for my daughter because I got very , very depressed. I literally hadn't even heard of a covert narcissist but it was like reading about him. And I read about hoovering , and I know that's what he's doing .... I suppose I'm far from over it all. Thank you so much for being really kind to me.

Hopefully I just won't unblock

When you talk to yourself say "I am blocking him permanently" instead. Whether or not you unblock him is entirely within your control. Reinforce that to yourself with your words.

You don't need to keep apologising. I know he probably trained you to and it kept you safe when you were in a relationship with him, but it's not necessary anymore.

His voice is still in your head. Every time you act as if he is still in control of you, you feed it. Little by little you need to starve it so you can hear your own voice again.

Most women exiting abusive relationships like you struggle for a long time. That is normal. You are not failing. Although to really truly heal you can't be continuing any kind of relationship with him.

The thing is op, he isn't 'lonely' like you or I would get lonely. It is more like he is...hungry, like a leach (leech?).

You recognise that he is a narcissist and yet you are still instilling humane characteristics onto him that just aren't there.

Or perhaps even projecting your own qualities and feelings onto him. Narcissists are experts at getting us to give them another chance but part of it we walk into ourselves by thinking 'this is how I would feel if I were him'. But you arent him. You are nothing like him. You are an empathetic human being and he is an empty, energy sucker, only capable of taking.

Firstly you need to recognise that any compassion you have should actually be given to yourself. Secondly, that any kindness you show his sort will be taken as weakness and thirdly, that he will never give you closure (infact, he hopes you want that from him so that he can exploit it). You need to make that for yourself.

Use the blocking to make your closure.
You could also try writing down all the things you wish to say to him -ideally, what shit he is- and goodbye then burn the letter. Cheesy but might help you draw a line under things.

But please, stop showing kindness and misplaced sympathy for him. Show it for yourself. Get blocking!

Other resources that might help you care for yourself:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

You've been through a lot.

Thank you everybody, I'm going to read through all your posts and try out everyone's suggestions and I will let you all know how each one goes. I feel like I'm never going to feel whole again and I am very sad about it all. So I think I am ready to put in some work on me and not him. I feel like I know him inside out, but I don't know who I am anymore.

I have blocked him on email. I reread all the emails sent tonight (and then deleted them) and I'm not imagining it, he just subtly digs the knife in, I can't be having that. Everything I let him take from me I could be giving to my daughter, or even myself.

It's been more than five minutes and I haven't unblocked him. And I've stopped crying. I cried all night through the posting. Thank you.

If you’ve got an iphone you might need to go to your email settings and redirect the emails to the bin folder. Otherwise they’ll just come through with a symbol next to them. I’d recommend logging into your email on a webpage and blocking him that way.

Well done for blocking him on email. Make sure he's blocked on everything, messenger etc.

It helped me when I thought of how much my ex hurt me and could hurt me again, how I couldn't believe a word he said, how he didn't meet my needs etc. Keep the bad stuff about him in your mind and it'll help you stay strong. xxx
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Well done! it IS an addiction, and cold turkey is the only way. Think of permanent blocking as a huge gift to your future self. Come back here any time you're struggling