Help me go detective Mumsnet...

[BatisteHairForOneMoreDay]

Background - Been engaged to DP for 3 years, together for 5, we have a mortgage and he has 1 DD from a previous relationship.

2 years ago, I caught him on Fab Swingers (I logged into his laptop which was connected to his iPhone, all history etc was synced) messaging disgusting things and viewing photos but no proof he had actually met anyone. In fact, it was him making excuses not to meet and there were no verifications. We split for a few weeks but got back together. We've been happy so far, despite his mistakes and he's never ever made a fuck up (that is aware of) since.

However... the dreaded feeling is back and he is being sneaky with his phone (popped in his daughters room for 2 minutes and came back to get his phone off the side) and every time I'm in the kitchen, I walk back into the living room his face is in phone and is reading the "news".

He's a very sneaky/clever person by nature and he's changed his settings on his laptop so his phone no longer syncs but he can say "babe, don't worry, check my laptop whenever you want to!" Well you've changed all the settings.

I know he's not meeting people, his car mileage is the same and his iPhone tracking is always where he says he is but he's clever, he knows how to hide stuff and I think it's all online.

How do I catch him out? I know the obvious answer is to leave but I'm not sure whether my anxiety is playing a part and making me overthink which in turn makes me paranoid but I'm not stupid. I know the clues by now.

I think it could be like an instant messaging app he uses but not whatsapp because that would be too risky for him. We use WhatsApp all the time and his notifications come through his phone on that.

Look you don't trust him. He's already proven himself to be untrustworthy so just bide your time till you can leave.

You can’t marry a man you don’t trust x

Get out. You don't trust him and deserve better.

Luckily you don't have kids together yet. Don't make that mistake.

Get out. You don't trust him and deserve better.

Luckily you don't have kids together yet. Don't make that mistake.

Don't get married.

I know but I want some concrete proof before I chuck the ironically, happiest, relationship I've ever been in down the drain because of my potential paranoia.

F as. Swingers? 🤮 god it's like a cringy 80's nightmare. You don't need proof you just need to leave. I know nothing about you but I know you're worth more than this x

The thing you’ve got to think about here is suppose you manage to look, suppose you find nothing....that’s great right? Except it’s not is it? Because finding nothing does little to remove these feeling your having, any relief you feel at finding nothing is just temporary. Your not looking to find nothing, your looking to find something because you know he is not being honest or truthful with you. Your relationship is not what you think it is or what it should be, your trust has gone. For you finding nothing will only have you convinced that he is simply clever enough to hide it from you, finding nothing is never going to be a confirmation of his innocence. So that being said, do you feel like you still want to look? Or do you want to just sit and consider whether this relationship is worth continuing to invest your time in? Your not happy, you don’t feel secure, he isn’t being honest and open with you, you doubt his fidelity, all of this has to be making you feel incredibly shit and eroding your own confidence and self esteem. Is he really worth feeling this crappy for?

What is it with Fabswingers? I’ve never heard of the site and there has been two threads in two days?

This isn’t a way to live. What exactly are you hoping to achieve?
Decide what you’d do when you catch him - and then just do it. Move on.
Unless what you want is some sort of emotional explosion (on your side) - and him grovelling and reassuring you. Which isn’t healthy and just shows you haven’t dealt with issues in your past.
Given where you are now - this won’t end well. Your suspicions will just drive you more and more unhappy. So - why not just force the issue.

Give him a choice - show me your phone right now, or move out.
But you need to be sure you will follow though. Because if you back down - you’ll lose any ability to ever question him.

Alternatively - you can just make your peace with the fact that he may be having a bit of release in virtual space and it’s a fantasy and isn’t significant.

Your life - your choices. Good luck.

Will he let you look at his phone?
If so then go into settings, then battery and find out where he has been spending his time.
If it's just the internet then that won't help much but if it's apps you can't see then it will show them.
If he will let you access his phone then you can also look at his browsing history if he hasn't deleted it!??

But...... you absolutely should not have taken him back after the first complete and utter deal-breaker. I can't imagine why you did that.
He's at it again and you know it.
Just end it. You cannot live your life like this!
It's way too short for this shite!
He's untrustworthy. He's sneaky. He's sleazy. He's a creep.

The real question is.... Why do you think this is all you deserve????
Look at that and then dump his arse and live a happy life.

It isn't paranoia when he's shown you that he can't be trusted. Don't marry him

I also believe there are a lot of tips on 'snooping' on THIS THREAD

If your staying because you can’t imagine leaving, and if your staying because you think that you are happy, I think you need to consider a few things....

How happy are you really? Things may seem happy on the surface, but deep down are you happy?

I understand you love him, I understand the overwhelming want to stay and for things to be as they were. However, from experience things will never be how they were before, you will always question him in your mind. Imagine feeling this same way in 5 years and perhaps by then you also have a child to consider. He is late back from the office, you can’t get hold of him, or he says he’s going to meet a friend....where do you think your mind will go? Do you still want to be playing detective 5 years from now? As much as you love him now, in 5 years when your feeling the same way you will only be resentful and absolutely pissed of that he still isn’t honest and you’ll be wishing you left when you found what is currently and undoubtedly only the tip of the iceberg of his shitty betrayals.

Even if you are paranoid op you will always be paranoid with him because you know what he's capable of. You don't need concrete proof again, you already have proof that he's not trustworthy.

I know you're all right but sometimes the world isn't so black and white and I am happy with him despite this. That's why I stayed, I wanted to work through it and he made me happier than I'd ever been before. He's supported me through so much and I believe good people make mistakes (god, I have!)

He would use private browsing for anything he "shouldn't" be looking at and he doesn't delete the entire browsing history, just deleted the sites individually so if I ever did want to look, it'll be full of browsing history to prove he isn't up to anything...

I want solid proof and I would be gone but I love him, I'm happy and we have a good life together. I would hate to throw it away just because I was overthinking stuff.

I need to be one step ahead of him.

The problem is OP that he blew it after that 1st time, you will never feel the same because just the fact he went to that site means you no longer view him the same. I do know how you feel by the way as had not quite the same and although I stayed I’ve always felt something was a bit off - in my head. As I’ve told others, put open dns on your router, (very very easy) and you don’t have to mess with his phone. It’s the equivalent of child blocks, except you block nothing— you can see then what’s going through your router when he is in and using WiFi. This would show up apps but also websites. You can’t see content but you can sure as hell know if he’s visiting such sites. It’s not spying as such because it’s your home, your router and you have every right in my opinion to know if he’s up to no good. If he isn’t then it may put your mind at rest although I have to say if it was any site like this for me it would be one stroke and you are out. It won’t work if they only use their data and not the WiFi

On another thread someone mentioned Open DNS, a program that stores ALL website addresses visited via the router but is undetectable.
But, only use if you WANT to see. It can't be unseen op.

I'f you're feeling insecure in your relationship and suspicious of his behaviour and you clearly have no trust for your P.

You're not happy.

You keep saying you are and then list all the reasons you aren't.

I want to see. I can hand on my heart say I would no longer entertain this relationship if I found something.

@tarasmalatarocks he has the usual internet box (virgin) but then another router (he's a gamer and it makes the internet faster?) so how do I do it? Do I configure the virgin box or the router he's already got?

If he's got Kik App then that's a messenger app for hook ups etc.

If he has a Google account you can look at his web use, in fact all his activity, remotely if you know the log in. Just put his number in to Google sign in or Gmail (or the email address if you know it) and it will tell you if there's an a/c associated with the number.

Can't see the point of staying with someone you are never going to trust, but look into keystroke loggers for the laptop.

You are not looking for evidence of whatever it is you think he’s doing. You are looking for an absence of evidence because you want to stay with him. In other words you are trying to find something that by definition doesn’t exist. You will never find it and you will always be looking until you do find it.

You don’t trust him. He is sneaky. That a major thing wrong in your relationship and you have the facts to end it.

I always think about how many DHs/DPs are doing this to their "trusting" OHs. Just because they don't know they are doing it or don't check (or snoop) doesn't mean they are not. But they are living blissfully unsullied lives as a result and use it to pass judgement on others. There, but for the grace of God, go I. Go we. PPs.

If you want to know you want to know OP.