Prostitute comment from DP

[RLEOM]

A friend was talking to DP about cheating and he came out with, "I don't know why people cheat and risk ruining their lives when they can just get a prostitute."

Would this be a reason to leave? She's thought before that he might've dabbled in prostitutes but obviously no evidence.

Personally, I don't think that's a normal response unless you're into prostitutes.

(Are there any men on here for advice?)

It is not a normal response.

How well do you know him?

How is using a prostitute not cheating?

@PersonaNonGarter she's been with him for roughly 6/8 months?

@EmperorCovidula yes, it is cheating. I think he thinks a prostitute would be easier to hide than a full on affair.

Depends how it was said. I am sure my DH has said "easier to just get a hooker eeewwwwww" which in context was "why would I have an affair and sabotage my whole life when you can just have a fumble for cash eeeeeeewwwwww,"

So no it's not cheating if it's a throwaway comment.

I'm not sure I could be in a relationship with someone who could say that with a straight face. Apart from any of the many other things wrong with it, it's a really thick thing to say to a partner.

They've just said where their morals lie, in 3 yrs she'll be posting about finding evidence he's been to prostitutes or even that she has an STI

I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who said that.

Your friend has been with her partner for just a few months. You didn't mentioned marriage or kids. If there is a decision to be made I would say it's now

I really don't think that comment indicates that he's using prostitutes. Not even slightly. Apart from anything else, if he were, don't you think he'd be more careful NOT to mention it?

I think he's just wondering why people make their lives complicated when they could be simple. If anything it's probably an indication of naivety and lack of experience of the subject itself, since prostitution of course is not that simple.

she's been with him for roughly 6/8 months?
She needs to run far and fast.
The fact he even thinks like that is enough to end things.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I couldn’t be with someone who said that, whether they did it or not

@Regularsizedrudy me neither

Are there any men on here for advice?

Yeah but... I can't really identify. I have a vague notion that a man who's willing to sleep with a prostitute while single probably wouldn't have too many qualms about doing it while in a relationship, since I think it generally take a degree of dehumanzing anyway.

I know I've seen sex workers on here defend (some of) their clients in the past, and I wouldn't want to arrogantly claim to know better than them, but the attitude of your friend's partner is how I generally picture it - to regard it as 'not cheating' you need to be able to not regard the woman as a person at all.

I guess it's something different to cheating with someone you fall for, or get flattered by in a midlife crisis freak out. Not that either motivations are ok. Different shades of shite, but shite nonetheless.

It's an odd comment but I feel like if he was actually using prostitutes he probably wouldn't mention it unless he's stupid. It does however show that he thinks using a prostitute is a lesser evil than having an affair. It's up to you if you're comfortable with being with someone who believes that.

I would say it certainly indicates he’s used prostitutes before as that wouldn’t tumble out of most men’s mouths in that situation. He’s saying why bother getting caught up in the emotional side when you can just pay to have sex which is what he considers the end point of a relationship. Very telling.

I would be really alarmed with that comment & give me cause to do a little bank transactions analysis personally. Or I would be thinking one day they will feel like a different flavour (hey don’t we all!) and instead of any kind of moral conscious keeping this man’s dick in his pants he is going to slip off to a brothel & I will never know”

I would not be ok living my life looking over my shoulder when he might do that.

He sounds like the type to be a good liar - have you ever caught him in lies before? History of fibbing ?

Had a boyfriend like this before 😮😮😮 he always said the wrong thing even about things like this I remember it well
His friends used prostitutes and he'd grill him in front of me asking was she any good etc .. even in public he always sounded inappropriate.
He did turn out to be a very nasty narcissist way down the line took me 5 years to get out of that one . Maybe your boyfriend was just not thinking 🤔
But keep a very close eye .. xx

I think it's a stupid comment but unlikely to indicate he actually uses prostitutes.... As a PP says he would be more likely not to mention them if he was planning to ever use them.

Maybe it indicates a slightly simple view of relationships if he thinks an affair is the same as using prostitutes ....i.e. why cheat with a person if you could just use a prostitute?

Does this show how he views women? Does this indicate misogyny ? Maybe , if he's only talking about men buying sex... Not really if he's talking about men and women buying sex.....

I don't think it's definitely a splitting up comment but I would definitely want to explore his reasoning for saying it.

Having sex with a prostitute is still cheating
Huge red flag

Thank you, a very mixed bag of responses. My friend has decided to stay with him and to see how it goes.

Completely depends on the conversation. If he meant that they'd be less likely to get caught, then to me this is akin to having the "how would you hide a body" conversation, it's just a bit of fun and doesn't in any way mean the person is an actual murderer. If he meant that sleeping with a prostitute isn't cheating, then yes it would very much put me off him, both in terms of his standards about monogamy and his dehumanization of prostitutes.

I wouldn't leave off the back of this comment unless it was definitely the latter, but if your friend feels like she doesn't trust his character to the extent this would bother her this much, then I guess jumping to want to leave him over this makes sense. I wouldn't have much time for someone that subscribed to the awful mentality that using sex workers isn't cheating.

"she's been with him for roughly 6/8 months?"
Better not make it 7/9 months then. He's showing an attitude to sex and relationships that does not auger well. That prostitutes came into his mind - they're in his mind. It was NOT a normal response.

"My friend has decided to stay with him and to see how it goes."
Then as her friend, maybe you should help her work on her self-esteem.

"She's thought before that he might've dabbled in prostitutes but obviously no evidence."
She doesn't need evidence. You don't need a reason that would stand up to cross-examination in a court of law to end a relationship. You just need to not feel comfortable in the relationship. And given how short this relationship has been, your friend seems determined to sell herself short.

There are men on here but why would you and your "friend" use MUMSnet if you wanted men's input?

(male)

I'm guessing but this could be an awkward way of saying that affairs lead to more emotional entanglements, when a man may just want to satisfy some sexual urges.

That may be clearer (?) but it may not be any better!

@PopeyeSpinach I'm a mum, I use mumsnet a lot for my own problems, I do sometimes see men on here. I wanted my friend to see unbiased views from people who only see the question, not the history between them etc.