Workplace ghosting - confront or leave it?

[Este67]

I posted about this situation a few weeks back. Long story short: after approx a year of flirting, I went on 4 quite long dates w/ a colleague just before lockdown. We got on really well & seemed to be on the same page about wanting something real. I was concerned he had recently broken up with someone but he emphatically told me he was over the relationship. After lockdown there was a week or so where we weren't in contact but I reached out & we continued speaking pretty much every day over 8 weeks. We eventually met up and it transpired he had invited his ex to spend lockdown with him & he had been shagging her the whole time. We left things on an awkward note but he told me it was meaningless & that I was the first person he'd met since since his divorce that he could see a future with & he wanted us to start again. I secretly hoped he would grovel and we could pick things up from where we left off but that did not happen; I've never heard from him again and I'm really, really upset about it.

I keep feeling anxious at the prospect of us going back the office & I've had the urge to reach out recently. Not to rekindle things as I've realised i deserve better but to tell him how he's hurt me and how upset I am. Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother but we work together and I know things will be awkward. Ideally I'd like us to be civil as we work in a small office and the tension will be obvious to everyone but I can't do that until I've had some answers or an apology at the very least. I also feel he shouldn't be allowed to get away with treating me this way.

Shall I say something or should I continue to leave it? Please no comments about why you shouldn't date colleagues, we were set up by a mutual friend and he came very highly recommended.

Just leave it. Even if he did offer an apology, he wouldn't mean it because he simply doesn't care how you feel. This man is a world class arsehole and you're lucky to be rid of him.

I also feel he shouldn't be allowed to get away with treating me this way.

What do you propose can be done? He's already gotten away with it. Confronting him will only make going back to work a thousand times worse.

Leave it. The sooner you stop worrying about him 'getting away with it' the better for you.

Focus on doing stuff for you, remain cool and ultra-professional at work. If you need to get it out of your system then write him the longest angriest letter you can and then tear it up and put it straight in the bin.

We eventually met up and it transpired he had invited his ex to spend lockdown with him & he had been shagging her the whole time.

This alone is reason enough to call things a day. Either he isn't over her, or he's happy to use his ex for meaningless sex. It would be interesting to know if she thinks it was 'meaningless' - my wager would be on that she thought they were back together.

He is a complete shit but it's work, so you HAVE to leave it.
If you are pissed off stick pins in his effigy round about the groin region. That should sort him out.

He knows he hurt you and upset it - it's not going to come as a surprise to him. Nor is someone that much of a shit going to give you answers (really the only answer is he's a shithead anyway) or apologise! So give up on that idea for a start.

You're going to have to front it out. I can't see tension coming from his side, because to be frank, he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to feel awkward or embarrassed by his shitty behaviour. You need to file this away in the lucky escape box, hold your head up and act like you don't care!

All the time you were messaging him through lockdown, he was shagging his ex. He doesn't deserve another second of your time. When you're back at work, if anyone asks, tell them why you're not together. He's an unpleasant person who describes a sexual relationship as meaningless - you dodged a bullet there. Be glad you realised early on what a twat he is.

I just feel so awful/sad/anxious & it doesn't seem fair that I'm feeling this way when I haven't done anything wrong. I felt like by confronting him, I could at least hold him accountable for his behaviour. It's so so hard to reconcile how he's behaved with what a nice guy he seemed to be. He also told me he abhors people who ghost ! I keep racking my brains trying to think of what I could have done to justify this behaviour especially when he was saying he wanted to start again and wanted something more with me. Its hard to just forget it and move on when all I have is time to think about it during lockdown.

I felt like by confronting him, I could at least hold him accountable for his behaviour.

Stop clinging on to this childish fantasy where you come out the victor. He isn't sorry for what he's done, he'll never be sorry for what he's done. He doesn't give a shit about how you feel. Confronting him will only result in you making a fool out of yourself.

@Aquamarine1029

I felt like by confronting him, I could at least hold him accountable for his behaviour.

Stop clinging on to this childish fantasy where you come out the victor. He isn't sorry for what he's done, he'll never be sorry for what he's done. He doesn't give a shit about how you feel. Confronting him will only result in you making a fool out of yourself.

This is harsh but undoubtedly true.

Be dignified. Don't give him an ounce of attention. Pretend you don't care and eventually it will be true.

He's a shit and you're not going to get any answers.

You wanted him to grovel and get back with him after what he had done to you?

You need to raise your bar.

Also having it out with him and holding him to account - are you on crack?

You need to know your worth and turn your back on creeps like this - find your dignity and behave with detached indifference.

You didn’t quite swerve this bullet - but you need to know when you have been hurt, to walk away and not invite further hurt.

I'm not concerned about being the victor. I already am the victor - I haven't treated him badly or shagged my ex whilst lying about it. It's more a desire for closure and to give him a taste of the discomfort I'm feeling. I know it seems from his behaviour that he wouldn't care if I told him how I feel but I know from conversations we've had that it weighs quite heavily on his mind if he thinks he's upset someone. I also find it odd to go from talking to someone every day to nothing at all then working in the same office with no conversation ever being had about why that is, but you all seem to be in agreement that it's not a good idea to contact him so I'll just have to try and create my own closure.

A year of flirting? I’m sorry OP, but he was loving the attention and it was an ego boost for him.
The worst thing you can do is show him that you were really invested.

Hold your head up, smile and act casual.

Don't demean yourself. He doesn't give a shit about you.

And next time, stay away from office relationships.

You know, I keep hearing that I need to raise my standards, know my worth etc. whilst also being told that I can't afford to be too picky or rigid at my age (32) if I want to have a family. It's a very difficult line to walk. Yes, a part of me definitely wanted him to grovel - we had great chemistry & seemed to be very in sync in a way I haven't encountered since my ex. I also have to acknowledge that we had not had the exclusivity talk & so I didn't feel I should completely write him off given how much promise he had shown up until then. Of course since then I've changed my thinking on that, this message wasn't about that. We work together, in a very small office and will be for the foreseeable. There is literally no way I can completely turn my back on it, which is why I wanted to open up a dialogue about how confused and hurt I am. Apparently that means I'm on crack. Noted.

whilst also being told that I can't afford to be too picky or rigid at my age (32) if I want to have a family. <

Wow who on earth is telling you this load of BS?!

Never ever lower your standards for anyone!!

If you aim is to avoid an awkward atmosphere at work, confronting him and giving him a sense of discomfort would seem likely to create the exact opposite. I would think the best thing to do would be to act like it never happened.

Leave it honestly you would just be embarrassing yourself. He doesn’t owe you anything

All I’m going to say is, if you want a family, choose a man who will be a good husband and father. This guy doesn’t sound like it.

Don’t be picky about stuff like perfect looks, amazing chemistry, particular job/income/education.

I can understand the anger and hurt you feel.

Unfortunately this man is a dickhead. That is obvious from his behaviour towards you and his ex. He won't care if he hurt you. So you could give him a piece of your mind, but it also won't make a bit of difference to him.

If you can I'd try and interact as little as possible with him going forward.

At 32, you have plenty of time left.

Absolutely, hold your head high and, if you have to talk to him, gaze just slightly past him. Just don't really notice him.

Focus on your work, do fantastically well.

Don't give him another second worth of headspace, he has done nothing to deserve you.

I know from conversations we've had that it weighs quite heavily on his mind if he thinks he's upset someone.

His actions say quite the opposite, don't they? Funny that. Words are cheap and he was saying exactly what he thought you wanted to hear.

Don’t contact him. He won’t care about being accountable and you will feel humiliated when he doesn’t fulfill your need for closure. Just ignore him.

"And next time, stay away from office relationships."
Completely useless and unnecessarily cruel comment. I didn't chase him, he led all of our interactions and I was encouraged by several people at the office to date him given how much we had in common. My experience of OLD has been dire and led to some pretty awful experiences but yes you're right, better to keep subjecting myself to that than to say yes to the good looking, seemingly well adjusted man who shared all of my hobbies/ interests and consistently told me he wants the same things as me.

"If you aim is to avoid an awkward atmosphere at work, confronting him and giving him a sense of discomfort would seem likely to create the exact opposite."

Yes that's fair and a very good point. Whilst writing this I've realised that for all my talk to the contrary I still want him to apologise and say something that will make it easy for me to forgive him so we can go back to how things were. Up until that moment everything had seemed to be going oddly & I've really missed the bond I thought we were growing,it was the only positive thing I had through lockdown. I obviously have some growing/ toughening up to do not to mention some work on my self esteem. Thanks for all the input everyone and apologies I've been a bit snappy with some of my replies.