Workplace ghosting - confront or leave it?

[Este67]

I posted about this situation a few weeks back. Long story short: after approx a year of flirting, I went on 4 quite long dates w/ a colleague just before lockdown. We got on really well & seemed to be on the same page about wanting something real. I was concerned he had recently broken up with someone but he emphatically told me he was over the relationship. After lockdown there was a week or so where we weren't in contact but I reached out & we continued speaking pretty much every day over 8 weeks. We eventually met up and it transpired he had invited his ex to spend lockdown with him & he had been shagging her the whole time. We left things on an awkward note but he told me it was meaningless & that I was the first person he'd met since since his divorce that he could see a future with & he wanted us to start again. I secretly hoped he would grovel and we could pick things up from where we left off but that did not happen; I've never heard from him again and I'm really, really upset about it.

I keep feeling anxious at the prospect of us going back the office & I've had the urge to reach out recently. Not to rekindle things as I've realised i deserve better but to tell him how he's hurt me and how upset I am. Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother but we work together and I know things will be awkward. Ideally I'd like us to be civil as we work in a small office and the tension will be obvious to everyone but I can't do that until I've had some answers or an apology at the very least. I also feel he shouldn't be allowed to get away with treating me this way.

Shall I say something or should I continue to leave it? Please no comments about why you shouldn't date colleagues, we were set up by a mutual friend and he came very highly recommended.

perfectly

Sounds like he’s still into his ex and you were a distraction. Have some dignity and move on. If it’s unbearable to see him, then I suggest finding employment elsewhere. You’re young, don’t settle. Find someone who’s worth investing in.

What a shit way he’s treated you. Sadly though for all his words, his actions have shown you that he’s not who you thought he was. Onwards and upwards.

4 dates before lockdown was hardly a promise of lifetime commitment. Then he dropped contact and it was you who restarted it . Not the other way round.

I think that during lockdown you've been bored and alone and turned a molehill friendship into a mountain of romance. It
was never a heavy blockbuster romance , he was never the man you imagined .

Este67 I completely get the pain you feel, and the need for closure/to make him understand the pain you're in.

I had a similar situation with a colleague/blurry friend, a couple of weeks ago. He seemingly (to me) let me down massively, and I was (and still am extremely hurt). I couldn't bare to talk to him
for a couple of weeks, which isn't ideal when you have to work in the same department

Anyway, after lots of thinking it over, and calming down. I went to him to talk it through. He was very apologetic, and assured me that 'you KNOW I wouldn't do anything to upset you on purpose'. So although we managed to talk it through, I am still left with the sense that 'actions speak louder than words'.

Things were better for a couple of days, then he was a prick again, and I haven't seen him since as I've been signed off - or heard from him.

Anyway; what I'm trying to get at for you is, confronting/talking through doesn't most of the time, bring the peace you crave.

You have my empathy, becoming close to a colleague and for it to go wrong, but pretend it never happened is pants. I would recommend the Baggage Reclaim blog, there is a really good post on there about dealing with no contact/break ups in the work place.

He probably was just using her and perhaps she knew it was to their mutual benefit but even if he said sorry he won’t mean it . He knew what he was doing so either he is nasty bit of work or you misinterpreted his feelings for you . But either way he is not sorry I bet .

Best of luck going back to work with him . It’s going to be awkward.

"Yes that's fair and a very good point. Whilst writing this I've realised that for all my talk to the contrary I still want him to apologise and say something that will make it easy for me to forgive him so we can go back to how things were. Up until that moment everything had seemed to be going oddly & I've really missed the bond I thought we were growing,it was the only positive thing I had through lockdown. I obviously have some growing/ toughening up to do not to mention some work on my self esteem. Thanks for all the input everyone and apologies I've been a bit snappy with some of my replies."

Hi OP - it is hard. You've had a disappointment which has probably had more of an impact because of the restrictions of lockdown. You've done nothing wrong and work place relationships can work out. I met my DH at work and know many other people who met their partners at work. But it does require people to keep their feelings at bay.

You need to give yourself closure. Other people almost never provide it in the way you hope they will (just as we probably never give others the closure they want either). But you can do it for yourself. I have found that a very powerful way of reducing the sting or pain of a situation is to work out what I can learn from it; how can I make that experience work for me? So, for me, the big learning here would be that talk is cheap; it's what people do that counts. And it's particularly important in romance because some men will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear to get that woman into bed. He said you're the first person since his divorce with whom he could imagine sharing a future (that's a very bold statement when you've only had 4 dates) but he invited his ex to live with him during lock-down and spent the entire time shagging her. He couldn't have contradicted his words more strongly if he tried.

Don't worry about your age. I met my DH at nearly 30 and a number of my friends met their life partners in their mid- to late 30s and went on to have children in their late 30s/early 40s.

Onwards and upwards.

What you're going to do, OP, is you're going to channel your best Bridget Jones and walk in there with your head held high, treat him with absolute disinterest and hopefully, eventually, end up married to a Mark Darcy instead of the office shagger. No closure needed, just a quick check of the soles of your shoes to make sure he's not lingering there, and on with the show! 😁