Why can't I end it? Why am I not strong enough?

[AudaCityLimits]

A few days before lockdown, I found texts on his phone. I wasn't snooping- He was showing me something and one flashed up. An argument ensued where I said I'd walk out if he didn't show me his phone.
Messages between him and my mate. No proof that anything ever happened, but he told me that once that had "nearly kissed" but had both pulled back.
Also messages he had sent to his cleaner. He was full on- saying she could come over "any time, day or night". Ended them with loads of kisses. She was quite obviously trying to put him off.

I agreed to work on things (idiot) on the proviso that he would not be in touch with these women again. Lockdown happened, and we decided to ride it out together, in my home, with my two children.

He has been in touch with both these women again. Several times. He has lied to me about it several times. He has had the cleaner to his (empty) house to clean (he works near it and goes there for lunch.) I called him out on all this on the weekend.

He went fucking mad. Said I was controlling and jealous and that there is no relationship without trust. I asked to see the messages he'd recently sent to these women- he blew up at me, packed his stuff, we were both yelling and crying.
He also confessed to wanting to sleep with other women, and then immediately said he hadn't said it. And then confessed to having said it, but that I had worn him down so much that he'd said anything.
And I KNOW that he's awful, I KNOW that he's not good enough. But I begged him to stay, and he stayed. And here we are. Everything is lovely again. We have a laugh together, he's loving and kind to me and my children- but obviously, he isn't really because this is all a lie.

On top of this, I have found a lump a month or so ago- he knows, he can feel it- and the doctor agrees that it needs seeing to asap, but the hospital scans are only happening for emergencies atm. And I keep thinking that he repeatedly lied to my face on the very days he was touching this lump.

I don't need him on a practical level at all- not for money, we don't have kids together etc. Being with him for these last two years has really taken away my sparkle. I've thought a lot about the woman I was when I met him, and I feel like she's someone else- someone really lovely and confident and cool. Now I just feel ugly and fat and unlovable. My confidence is shot to pieces. That's probably why I find it so difficult to end things.

I know I have to get rid of him. I know I do. But I can't find the strength. It's so fucking awful.

He's got his own house. Could you tell him to stay there while you think about things, or say you want a break. Tell him to go to his and get your key back.

I really am trying to banana. I am so angry and frustrated at myself for not getting rid. I don't know why I feel I need him so much. My head is a mess.

You know you need out of this. Take a big deep breath and do it. Imagine how your life will be in 6 months time without him screwing you around. Hold on to that thought and feeling of freedom and your sense of wellbeing back. Your self esteem improved and maybe someone who really wants to be with you. You are already following patterns of a toxic relationship, you need to stop now and move on. Then go and get some counselling to figure out why you allow yourself to stay in such a bad relationship. You can do this.

Thank you litterbird , that made me cry.

He is so fucking nice, no-one would suspect him of this. He's kind and generous and funny and we get on- but he is a compulsive liar, and a master manipulator. But it's the niceness that makes me falter every fucking time.

We split up for 3 months a year ago, and I had counselling then. But I let him back in. I don't know why I do this to myself.

Sounds like you're scared of being alone. Is that the reason? Alot of people stay because they don't want to be alone and its easy. But tbh if you stay with him your mental health will suffer. You need to think of your children, do they want to be in this environment. Do they want a mum who is upset and down? Do you want better, then you need to find some strength to distance yourself from him.
Also he sounds abusive. Gaslighting, look it up.
Your confidence is low so sounds like he's chipped away at it.
Also sounds like you are in the cycle of abusive. Also look that up too.

Once the trust has gone, hasn't the relationship gone sour anyway? I've always found that once you have that seed of doubt things never feel the same anyway. So you can never really go back to what you once (thought you) had. Maybe if you think of it this way it is easier to leave?

You will find your own time.

You know what he's like, so you are guarding yourself against him already. Little by little that guarding feeling will grow until one day you realise that you don't want him any more. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes it's slower to come.

But don't beat yourself up in what sounds like a very stressful time, for not being 'stronger'. You are exactly as strong as you need to be, right now.

I think your worry re your lump is understandably making it harder as you feel even more vulnerable. You might feel relief ending it, a liberation as he has made you so unhappy. Have you got some good friends to help support you ? Get Gloria Gaynor on!

Sounds like you're scared of being alone. Is that the reason?
This is the crazy thing. I don't know. Before I met him, I had been single for a long while and I loved it. I adored my independence and it took a while for me to decide that I wanted to be in a relationship at all- and I made that decision because he was so lovely and sweet and dependable.

But don't beat yourself up in what sounds like a very stressful time, for not being 'stronger'. You are exactly as strong as you need to be, right now. Thank you so, so much for saying this. You'll never know how much it helps.

Have you got some good friends to help support you ? I have lovely friends and family, and I have routinely lied to them about the state of this relationship and the reality of being with this man because I've known they'd tell me to run. And this will be the first big step- once I text one friend, one member of my family, with "he has been gaslighting me", I know there's no going back. I have literally written out the text, sat there weeping, unable to press fucking send. It's so pathetic.

I am so sad that you're in this position which really resonates with me. I know mn isn't a place for memes or mantras... but something that filled me with implicit strength when in a similar position was this:

A bird sitting in a tree is not afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not in the branch, but in her own wings.

Remember- you're stronger than you think. Dig deep and go your own way x

It's actually a good sign the doctor didn't fast track you for a scan. He'd do that if he thought it was at high risk of being anything sinister. I know it's very frightening, though.

And I KNOW that he's awful, I KNOW that he's not good enough. But I begged him to stay, and he stayed.

You can go back on this now. x

You will get your mojo back after a few months, and even be a better, stronger person as a result of this. Not that there's anything wrong with you, but you can be even better.

My worry for you is that he will add an extra layer of stress and worry when you are going through investigations and possible treatment. You need strong dependable people around you for that, not someone you are second guessing.

Write a list of all the negative things about him/your relationship. When you feel yourself faltering about dumping him, consult the list.

It took me a while to decide if I wanted to be in a relationship at all - and I made that decision because he was so lovely and sweet and dependable

Is there a part of you that is holding on to the hope the man you thought he was would return? Or that doesn’t want to admit the relationship was a mistake?

The messaging other women and also gaslighting you is going to destroy your self-esteem if it continues.

Could you say you need space and ask him to move into his house and then break up with him at a later date if you can’t do it all once?

Something that helped me was to think about if my dd was with a man like my ex, or did I want my ds to grow up to be like that. But right now, that is what they’re seeing, this is what they are going to think is ‘normal’ and be more likely to accept or adopt similar behaviour themselves.

You know the woman you were before you met him, that’s who you are, this relationship has taken that from you.

There is a lovely quote 'Before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes'.

Darling, don't worry about being on your own. You won't be. You'll have the love and support of your family and friends (and maybe even a man who deserves you one day if that's what you want).

Pop him back to his empty, clean house and tell your family exactly why. They will want to scoop you up and protect you x

Regarding the lump. How scary for you and it will probably be absolutely fine. Do get back in touch with the GP and ask to be referred straight away. Unfortunately it is often those who push that get somewhere currently. Once that's off your mind, things will seem far more manageable.

What an awful time you are having, @AudaCityLimits. I know you will find the strength to do what you need to do - and you've received good advice already from posters here.

I think once you've told friends and family, however hard that will be, some of that weight will come off your shoulders as you will have some positive people giving you the support you need. Keeping all this to yourself will make you ill.

Also, I couldn't see a reference to your age in your posts? I would just say please do ensure you don't get pregnant by this man or you'll be tied to him for much, much longer than is good for you.

Strength to you OP. 🌹

Thank you all so so much. Your kindness is so lovely and I really appreciate (and need) it. I think I am moving towards being able to let go. I've been here so many times before, after a huge argument and reconciliation which basically means, we don't talk about this any more.

But this time, I am not full of the hope and determination that it will work. I know it won't. I know that if I need treatment for anything medical, he will still be texting other women whilst stroking my hair and making me food and cups of tea.

Someone said about the DC- This is one of the reasons it's so hard. I brought this man into their lives and they adore him. He plays with them, he engages with them all the time, he is kind and generous with them. I took time to introduce them, and they have taken time to get to know him. All they see between me and him is laughter and love, and I am fucking dreading telling them when we split up. I know they will be okay, but that parental guilt of having introduced them to someone who is just going to disappear is so awful.

I am late 30s, happynow but he has had the snip. Which we were going to get reversed after lockdown, so I should be grateful that we never got to that point.

One of the weird things for me is how he seems so nice, and I seem so confident. From the outside, you would think we were absolutely perfect. I always thought that people in relationships like these would give some outward sign of it, but I really don't think we do. The only comment I've had is from an aunt who said that I don't shine when I'm with him.

It's actually a good sign the doctor didn't fast track you for a scan. He'd do that if he thought it was at high risk of being anything sinister.

Don't take this approach as gospel. My mum had the same experience with the doctor. No fast track, negative blood test, nothing to worry about from the doctor. She died 4 months later as the cancer metastasized aggressively and by the time the doctors had got her into the system it was too late.

Be the squeeky wheel. Get seen and get it properly checked. GPs do not always know best.

but he has had the snip

DO NOT get it reversed. I've seen plenty of women who think everything will be okay in a car crash relationship as soon as a baby comes along...smh

You're not living an authentic life with your friends and family and even yourself which I suspect also contributes to your low self esteem.

You know this guy is never going to be faithful, not a hope in hell. You are clinging to something that isn't actually there at all.

You're never going to be strong enough if you keep ruminating, obsessing and telling yourself that you're not.

I suspect that some of your friends and family (if not many) know something isn't right but stay quiet out of politeness.

Work on your self esteem ASAP with a view to getting out of there. You need to get to grips with the reality of who this person is in your head and build your self esteem back up.

I would also recommend an std test asap.

The only comment I've had is from an aunt who said that I don't shine when I'm with him.
Then let her be in the first group you tell. She can help support you when others - who may not have seen the same - express their surprise.

I ve been where you are - and then one day, it was like a bell went off in my head and the only thing I could do was end the relationship. It went from being something I knew logically I had to do but couldn't bring myself to have the courage, to being something I knew I had to that instant.

What was going on in the weeks before I suddenly realised I had to split up with him? Looking back, I was taking all sorts of actions to distance myself - I sorted out all my belongings, put my name in every single one of my books (I got a stamp specially) and started mentally writing him out of future events (thinking about what I would do for Christmas, where I would live, etc). I began visualising a life without him in it - at first, abstractly, then more and more concretely, until one day the picture became reality.

Have you heard the phrase "if you can't see it, you can't be it"? You need to make a mental pinterest board of your life without him. At the moment, breaking up with him is an abstract, shadowy, scary unimaginable thing. But you can change that by finding things to get excited about and look forward to - what would be a fun thing to do once you'd ended this relationship?

What age are your dc? Young and they'll forget about him quickly enough. Older and they'll know plenty of other kids this has happened to and they survived just fine. It's not going to fuck up their lives. Him saying is more likely to do that, if this is how he behaves when he should be on best behaviour as a guest in your home. That nice guy mask is going to slip further and further the long he's around.

It might make your dc sad for a bit, but they were happy without him before, they'll be happy without him again. As will you!

Change that text to your friend. Be honest - "he's a cheating, sleazy, lying, gaslighting bastard. I could do with some support."

And then hit send before you think about! Just do it!