A few days before lockdown, I found texts on his phone. I wasn't snooping- He was showing me something and one flashed up. An argument ensued where I said I'd walk out if he didn't show me his phone.
Messages between him and my mate. No proof that anything ever happened, but he told me that once that had "nearly kissed" but had both pulled back.
Also messages he had sent to his cleaner. He was full on- saying she could come over "any time, day or night". Ended them with loads of kisses. She was quite obviously trying to put him off.
I agreed to work on things (idiot) on the proviso that he would not be in touch with these women again. Lockdown happened, and we decided to ride it out together, in my home, with my two children.
He has been in touch with both these women again. Several times. He has lied to me about it several times. He has had the cleaner to his (empty) house to clean (he works near it and goes there for lunch.) I called him out on all this on the weekend.
He went fucking mad. Said I was controlling and jealous and that there is no relationship without trust. I asked to see the messages he'd recently sent to these women- he blew up at me, packed his stuff, we were both yelling and crying.
He also confessed to wanting to sleep with other women, and then immediately said he hadn't said it. And then confessed to having said it, but that I had worn him down so much that he'd said anything.
And I KNOW that he's awful, I KNOW that he's not good enough. But I begged him to stay, and he stayed. And here we are. Everything is lovely again. We have a laugh together, he's loving and kind to me and my children- but obviously, he isn't really because this is all a lie.
On top of this, I have found a lump a month or so ago- he knows, he can feel it- and the doctor agrees that it needs seeing to asap, but the hospital scans are only happening for emergencies atm. And I keep thinking that he repeatedly lied to my face on the very days he was touching this lump.
I don't need him on a practical level at all- not for money, we don't have kids together etc. Being with him for these last two years has really taken away my sparkle. I've thought a lot about the woman I was when I met him, and I feel like she's someone else- someone really lovely and confident and cool. Now I just feel ugly and fat and unlovable. My confidence is shot to pieces. That's probably why I find it so difficult to end things.
I know I have to get rid of him. I know I do. But I can't find the strength. It's so fucking awful.