Sexless

[peach1234]

Hello,

Just wondering if anyone has had a marriage/relationship that has survived or got better after a long time without sex? It's now been 2 years... no other problems at all and haven't got the confidence to approach the subject and hoping it gets better on its on but the longer it goes the more worried I am it will never change.

Yes, but in retrospect there were specific reasons why. It is incredibly difficult so you have my sympathy.

I think it's very unlikely the situation will spontaneously improve.

Sexless relationships work when both people are ok with the arrangement. When one person isn't happy with it, it can put an enormous strain on the relationship.

If you are unable to even talk about it, you are heading for disaster.

@Voice0fReason

I think it's very unlikely the situation will spontaneously improve.

Sexless relationships work when both people are ok with the arrangement. When one person isn't happy with it, it can put an enormous strain on the relationship.

If you are unable to even talk about it, you are heading for disaster.

Yup. Grab a drink for both of you, wether alcoholic or soft, and start talking.

Ours is now due to health reasons, it did hurt me for a while but we talked and gradually as our health got worse we realise it’s too painful joints hurt, inverted womb,Me I mean he’s got Parkinson’s so we cuddle at night we love each over and tell each other, kisses as well.

Bless you, holothane. There is so much more to loving than sex.

It’s hard at times but we’ve worked all through that, we’re closer than ever now,

I don’t think there’s a way back after a long time of abstinence. A wedge gets created that’s emotional, as well as physical.

Despite being married and neither having physical issues, we’ve had sex 4 times in 5 years. All due to his lack of interest. Astonishingly 2 DC were conceived during that time! Maybe my body just thought, quick this needs to count, as it might not happen again!!

I’ve gone from trying to initiate often...to then making zero effort to initiate...to now not really noticing that our marriage is celibate! It’s like living with a sibling. There’s some affection and fun memories, but physical intimacy would be inappropriate now. My husband likes to cuddle often and kiss on the lips at bedtime and it makes me feel “ick”. Objectively he’s good looking, but he’s friend-zoned himself.

@TheDayB4 this is exactly like our relationship the longer it goes on now the less I am wanting it with him...you couldn't have described it better.
Are you now just happy living like that? I'm only early 30's so I'm not sure how long I can live like this but like you said the longer this goes on the more we become just friends. He's very affectionate in other ways and wants to cuddle and peck on the lips but that always ends in him rolling over and saying goodnight. I used to get really upset as always went to bed wondering if tonight was the night and always ended up disappointed. I feel like I've wasted years now whilst I'm young just not feeling desired at all.

You need to build up your confidence - have a couple of drinks if necessary - and talk about it. Sex is a vital part of your relationship, a satisfying and sustainable sex life will not come about by magic you need to discuss your needs, and his of course, and how to ensure they are met.

We bring up the issue routinely - if I went longer than a week or so without coming on to my DW she would be asking what was wrong. AN LTR is much more likely to be happy and successful if both partners remain sexually attracted to each other.

If you can't even talk about it, that shows your communication generally has never reached the deep level you'd expect in any long term relationship. I can see how that would happen with arranged marriages, or religious unions where there's maybe an element of shame attached to acknowledging ones sexuality, but it's surprising how it affects others also and can drag on for years.
You are young, too young to continue like this. If you can't bring up a discussion about sex, I think you should bring up a discussion in general that your marriage is in trouble, and find out if counselling is an option. If he prefers to bury his head in the sand, you have a lot of fun living to do yet and this has already shown that you have a wedge between you that is too large to ignore .
You maybe should tell him that you are considering leaving the marriage, if he's still inactive, you have your answer.

I have to say, I truly don't get long term couples with such poor communication. It's a bit sad. You need to bite the bullet and talk to him, things will not magically change. 30 is still young, and if you are missing sex, you will grow resentful, which would be a shame if the marriage is otherwise good.

@FartingNora it was great for the first couple of years then dwindled a bit to every couple of weeks then when we were trying for a baby I think that's what killed it. It was only every month when I was ovulating then as soon as I got pregnant it stopped altogether and we haven't had sex since and my son is now 18 months old
I know it should be something we can talk about but I always just made excuses, I was pregnant, then just had a baby, then baby was in our room, then sleepless nights etc etc so it feels like it's just crept up to this amount of time I think if it was before if it had gone longer than a month I would've said wtf is going on is there something wrong but because it's happened this way I don't even know how to bring it up and it only seems to get to me? I get moody with him in bed when he just turns over and he says oh what's wrong so isn't it obvious? Maybe that's the problem it's not a problem for him so he doesn't know that's wrong?
Sorry if that was a bit ramble-y!

Mine didnt get better and I left him at 32.Youre only young you can change this.

@PrincessHoneysuckle I'm sorry it didn't work out for you it's horrible isn't it.
How did you deal with it? Did you work out the reason for it?

Ours went very much like this after our first child. I think we were both shell shocked and I totally underestimated the impact on my Dh that having a baby had. Anyway i just had to bring the subject up one day- we talked about it one evening and have not looked back. Things are great now. I think it can change but you absolutely MUST communicate.

@whoknowswhichwayisup ah that's nice to know it can be turned around. I just worry how long it's been that there's no going back now...
Can I ask what you situation was? What did he say when you brought it up? How long did you go without sex?

Oh I think it's not too long to be repairable tbh- it was similar for us. A new baby can be such a big life event - especially the first. With our second we found it all much easier and had no problems on this front. I think you should bring it up, if it doesn't change suggest counselling.

For us it was 3 years without any sex after our son was conceived. I think trying for children can be one of the least sexy things going, especially as it took a while, so it got stressful and upsetting.

Our communication was also rubbish which certainly didn't help. For instance my wife didn't want me being affectionate in general at first, so as not to give me expectations of anything more. So when we did actually talk about it, I tried to make it clear that I could cope with lack of sex right now, if there was general intimacy and playfulness etc, so that there was still that physical connection. So I would give her massages, or cuddles etc but making it clear that I didn't expect it to lead onto anything, and that it was on her terms for when she wanted to take it further.

But now our kids are older, we've got over that lack of sleep and being touched out phase. And I can honestly say that our sex life now is the best it's ever been. We are better at talking about it, being open with what we like/dislike without worrying what the other will think so much, and are experimenting more and just having fun.

Obviously I'm coming from this being male and it's probably quite different with the sexes reversed. Particularly as a lot of the issues were post pregnancy which clearly affects women much more (physically at least!)

Oh, and ironically now, it is my wife who was complaining that she was having to take the lead. But not she's said that I can feel more able to jump her!

@whatsthecomingoverthehill if I'm honest I think roles reversed I understand more, being pregnant does not feel sexy in the slightest then having to contend with your confidence with your post baby body is difficult. I get the sleepless nights and stress etc and even not fancying me/feeling weird about having sex whilst pregnant I get but I don't get how he wasn't desperate for it the minute it was possible? Even going 9 months whilst I was pregnant I don't get how he wouldn't have been gagging for it... our son sleeps so well and is a dream child now so there's no reason and yet every night it's cuddle, love you good night and roll over...

@peach1234

I'm guessing you don't want to raise the issue because you're scared of what might be said and you're scared of feelings being hurt. And that might well happen. But that's not a reason not to have the conversation - apart from anything your feelings are being hurt now. And you are also expecting him to guess the problem and trying to guess how he feels about it. It's not fair on either of you and it's a very ineffective way of communicating; each of you could be assuming things that are entirely incorrect and that are just driving you further from where you want to be.

In any case, your marriage won't have a future if you can't discuss difficult issues - all marriages go through tough times and more or less all spouses occasionally have to hear and say painful truths. But such discussions are an opportunity for growth.

If you think about it - it doesn't make sense to think that your relationship is strong enough to embark on the incredible work and commitment of having children together, but not strong enough to survive some challenging conversations!

Based on what you say, this situation could ultimately result in your marriage breaking down. Or at least a very unhappy wife and mother which would also be a disastrous consequence. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your DCs to have some serious and deep discussions around this subject.

Good luck,

Good luck.

I've been in that position. My marriage never recovered and I'm divorced. Same as my friend, same as my now DP.

If you don't discuss it and address it, it will drag on and get worse. This is how affairs happen and why they are so common.

Do you want to fix this? Honestly, I didn't. I wanted my marriage over and the lack of sex was a symptom of that fact that I didn't want sex with the man I was married to not that I didn't want sex. I'm much happier now.

If you do want to fix it then there is psychosexual counselling that you can try.

You're going to have to tell him how you feel. Yes it might be uncomfortable but he's your husband.

Do it today and see what he says.