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Original poster

Husband wants to move

71 replies

MrsCheekyFace · 21/06/2020 20:27

Hi everyone. I met my husband when we were both living in the city and about a year before we got married we moved to my hometown. I've always been so clear I want to live in my hometown and my intention was always to move home.

About two or three months before we got married he dropped the bombshell he was unhappy here and it's too far away from his friends and family (60 miles) and he wants to move back but still outside of the city (which is also where he works).

I really don't know what to do - I am heartbroken - my whole family are here who are the most important people in my life. We do probably have more friends in the city than here but it's just never where I imagined I would be. I'm scared of moving away but is the only other option leaving him? What do I do? He says he is isolated here but I will be isolated there.

OP posts:
piethagoras · 22/06/2020 06:26

If your family really are the most important people in your life then you need to do the decent thing, and let this poor man go to get on with his life in the real world.

wantmorenow · 22/06/2020 08:12

You do not sound immature. You sound very sensible and considered. The conversations around life long plans about where to live and starting a family were had prior to marriage. He changed his mind.

Too often new mum's give up jobs or careers as juggling child care and work disproportionately falls to women, especially when kids are unwell and unable to go to nursery or school.

If staying in the workplace and looking after your future earning potential and career development is dependent upon family and friends that you have in your home town then do not jeopardize this as it may be a decision you rue for decades to come. He however sounds like he needs to work out his own priorities as this is a big change of heart and plans

Fallenbehind · 22/06/2020 08:24

If you have a baby, he will make local friends. NCT classes, kids in school and nursery etc.

You could suggest that to him?

But it does sound like you have to move.

But then, so will you make friends in your new area if you have a baby, too.

strawberry2017 · 22/06/2020 08:48

@Fallenbehind

If you have a baby, he will make local friends. NCT classes, kids in school and nursery etc.

You could suggest that to him?

But it does sound like you have to move.

But then, so will you make friends in your new area if you have a baby, too.

He won't though will he because he won't get to do those things because he will be too busy commuting to do those things and in reality men don't get the chance to do those things. it's the women who do because they have the maternity leave or they do the PT hours to cover child care.

Nearer the city they both win because they already have established friendship groups, where they are now the only person that benefits is OP.

He has given it a try. It doesn't work and he's unhappy.
He's allowed to change his mind.

Fallenbehind · 22/06/2020 08:56

strawberry You’re right, it’s true that it’ll be mainly the OP who makes the new friends. But my DH and I spend more time with local friends with kids (that we made through NCT or nursery or school) than anyone else now. Our other friends we see maybe once a month or once every two months.

But I do agree with you and also think that if he’s unhappy and his commute is hard, they should leave. It’s the fair thing to do.

Also agree with those saying half way. Is it nice half way, OP?

Plus - if you do have a baby - you will want your DH’s commute to be shorter so you can all spend more time together. With DC1 my DH’s commute was 15 mins. With DC2, it was an hour. When you’ve got a baby, by 5pm (or witching hour as I like to call it!), you really want DH to come home already - every minute counts Grin

ivykaty44 · 22/06/2020 09:03

2 hour commute is a long one especially with a family

surely if your family are close then they'll visit you an hours drive away?

you'll make new friends in the city etc

otherwise probably better to choose whether your family are more important than your marriage

Original poster
MrsCheekyFace · 22/06/2020 09:15

Thank you everyone. I know the right thing to do is move but it's incredibly tough. I hate the city, it makes me so anxious and it's not me - I've grown up in a rural area and the city honestly scares me.

I have a great job which is 10 mins commute from me. I'd have to leave. He owns his own business and has to drive up and down the country regardless of where we live.

OP posts:
Stuckinadream · 22/06/2020 09:48

To be fair an hour is nothing and it sounds abit daft to me. I have an hour ish distance from my family and it's really not that far. I would say we/ my kids have a really good bond with my family as we spend more quality time instead of the just popping round for 10 minutes. In all honesty my husband and my kids are my family!

SionnachGlic · 22/06/2020 09:51

Well, that changes things somewhat given you tell us your great job that you love is near your hometown & his work as being all over the country....it is kind of a different picture now, OP. You should think twice about giving up a good job especially in this climate.

RantyAnty · 22/06/2020 10:07

Is it possible to relocate his business?

The 2 hour commute he has; is that to go to his city office? How many days per week does he spend there and how many does he go around the country?

Are you planning to work after having children?

PicsInRed · 22/06/2020 11:56

He's given it a go, then been honest before you marry him that this isn't for him. You both have friends in the city, so you wouldn't be truly isolated there, the way he actually is in your home town. Yes your family wouldn't be as close but before marriage and children are born he has told you he isn't happy living out in your hometown and you will need to make a choice and some sort of compromise - or let him go.

He's done the right thing here, before further commitments were made.

HypatiaCade · 22/06/2020 12:28

An hour commute? Seriously, that is nothing. But an hour away from family support when you have children is EVERYTHING. Who will be the ones who will help with childcare? Who will be the ones who will pick you up emotionally after many nights of sleep deprivation?

Through this whole COVID situation my DSis took on homeschooling my DSs because I had to go into work (in Australia, family were expected to step in, and only if they couldn't would they go to school). THAT's what family does, friends don't do that.

I wouldn't move if I were you. He hasn't made much effort to make friends in the area, which is why he feels isolated.

Does he play a sport? Joining a local sports team would make a world of difference. (Obviously after COVID).

mindutopia · 22/06/2020 15:51

Can you find somewhere in the middle? Then it's a 20-30 minute commute to work and family for you and 30 ish minutes to the city for him. That's a lot better than an hour.

Realistically though, I think both of you living somewhere you are happy is more important than living close to family. Our nearest family is 1.5 hours away and it really doesn't make any difference to us.

Chanel05 · 22/06/2020 16:43

It's a tough one and I see it from both sides. Of course you want to be nearer to your external family with a new baby and he is 100% entitled to change his mind, he has given it a go. You both need to compromise, the priority is the family you have built with him. DH and I live locally to his family, which is 120 miles away from mine (2.5 hours in the car). We will never be able to satisfy what we would both like and that's something we have come to terms with and we knew when we began our relationship. I think moving half way between would give you both the opportunity to be close by and still have access to a friends and family support network on both sides.

Thatnameistaken · 22/06/2020 16:48

I would hate to live in a city, I'm a rural girl too. And if you're established in work and a family and in law network nearby I can't see any pluses in moving to the city other than to make your husband happy.
How do his parents feel about you moving away?

MitziK · 22/06/2020 17:11

An hour here is either the equivalent of London - Brighton or 3 miles by public transport.

Both are pretty easy. But I'd want to stay rural, especially if he travels all over the place as it is.

Original poster
MrsCheekyFace · 22/06/2020 18:01

He is an only child and only has his mum which is also part of his issue which again... I completely see his point of view but also his mum loves coming to visit us where we are and she isn't bothered about us moving nearer to her.

His primary issue is spending 2-3 hours per day commuting and feeling isolated in a quiet, rural town when he's used to the city.

OP posts:
DoesJeffKnow · 22/06/2020 18:18

If you got pregnant tomorrow for example, would he share parental leave with you or would you be the one doing childcare?

If he's travelling around the country with work, what is he going to do when your DC needs picking up from nursery as they're sick and you're at work? Is the expectation always going to be that you will juggle work and childcare? Or would he immediately down tools and race home to collect your DC and allow you to continue working?

If you are going to work and be solely responsible for childcare between the hours of 8-6 mon to fri (or similar) then you need your local job and family support around you.

If he is going to split the parenting load 50/50. With you both working, both doing school pick ups and drop offs, both attending parents evening, school sports day, picking up sick children, taking them to the dentist, optician, swimming lessons etc then there's justification for moving closer to his work so you can share that load.

I'd have an honest conversation with him about how having a child will change your current dynamics, then see where you're best located after that.

Original poster
MrsCheekyFace · 22/06/2020 19:32

@JustC He would 100% want to be hands on and there however if there was an issue we wouldn't always be able to get in touch with him straight away due to the nature of his job so it would likely fall to me to have to deal with such emergencies.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCheekyFace · 22/06/2020 19:33

Sorry that comment was for @DoesJeffKnow

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 22/06/2020 20:32

I don't understand this. You are planning a family. Why would you move back into a city away from the support from your family. I found bringing up a young child in a city a miserable existence and the move to a country town nearer my folks was the best thing I ever did.

nervousnelly8 · 22/06/2020 20:35

This would be a deal breaker for me. But we rely on my parents for childcare for us both to be able to work. His feelings are understandable, but if you had the conversation before getting married, I think he should be trying everything to make it work before insisting you need to up sticks. Is there a town close to your parents so that you're a bit less rural but still have that family support?

Original poster
MrsCheekyFace · 22/06/2020 23:07

I have left and am sleeping in the car for a few nights whilst I get my head together. I have nowhere else to go.

OP posts:
Timeandtune · 22/06/2020 23:14

Would you not be better going to your mum’s for a few nights OP?

Original poster
MrsCheekyFace · 22/06/2020 23:16

I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. They've enough going on.

OP posts:
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