Partners hobbies ..help??

[sarahcrawley124]

Hi my partner has taken up a new hobby DJing and its making me feel pretty rubbish!!
We have a young child and he has a demanding job already. I just don't know how I feel about being in clubs etc we have been together a long time so it's quite a big change to the family dynamic. Thoughts... ??

My DH took up golf (yawn) several years ago. I actively encouraged it thinking he's outdoors, it's exercise..... now he's out 2 evenings a week after work, and all day Sunday. As he works Saturday, we have no "quality" time together, and it really pisses me off if I'm honest.

So I see the grandkids, go for long walks, do my own hobby (photography) and I do the bare minimum at home to keep things ticking over. I never arrange anything around his hobby - if he chooses to miss out, that's on him and not me.

My honest answer is that most (not all) men are intrinsically selfish. He's not seeing the impact it has on you, or listening to what you're saying. And therein lies the problem. You either accept it, throw yourself into it with him, or you give him an ultimatum that he can't do it.

I'm not honestly sure if any of them are going to give you the answer you want - ie a man who thinks of someone other than himself.

@PenelopePitstop49

My DH took up golf (yawn) several years ago. I actively encouraged it thinking he's outdoors, it's exercise..... now he's out 2 evenings a week after work, and all day Sunday. As he works Saturday, we have no "quality" time together, and it really pisses me off if I'm honest.

So I see the grandkids, go for long walks, do my own hobby (photography) and I do the bare minimum at home to keep things ticking over. I never arrange anything around his hobby - if he chooses to miss out, that's on him and not me.

My honest answer is that most (not all) men are intrinsically selfish. He's not seeing the impact it has on you, or listening to what you're saying. And therein lies the problem. You either accept it, throw yourself into it with him, or you give him an ultimatum that he can't do it.

I'm not honestly sure if any of them are going to give you the answer you want - ie a man who thinks of someone other than himself.

Thankyou this made me feel a lot better than some previous comments. ❤️ I hope your ok xx

@sarahcrawley124 it's a case of quiet resignation tbh.

I hope you find a solution that you're both OK with

Could you go to the gigs with him? Enjoy the time away from dc? and if he doesn’t like that idea be very aware so many get women throwing themselves at the dj is this what’s bothering you?

@Pessismistic

Could you go to the gigs with him? Enjoy the time away from dc? and if he doesn’t like that idea be very aware so many get women throwing themselves at the dj is this what’s bothering you?

I'm not sure I think that does play on my mind slightly!

It's about how much downtime you both get. You haven't actually said.

Hi OP. I do some part-time DJing, have done for years now. It is not a job for anyone with a young family to raise.

My DCs are in their 20s, my DP comes along to gigs to help as he's done similar before. Neither of us have the responsibility of children to take care of.

Once you get fairly popular there are times you could be booked 4 weekends in a month. If we do a Saturday night we can sleep it off on Sunday. If we do a Friday + Saturday then we may not even get out of bed entirely on Sunday. We don't have to. So how exactly does your DP plan to get around this? Leave everything to you? He already works in the week + goes to the gym. Now he's adding another time-sucking activity; as you've seen, DJing isn't solely about turning up to venue and spinning tunes, you have to practice, source & download music put together playlists etc. It's a big chunk out of family time.

The scene is littered with men who take every gig, never home weekends they must miss every family event and function going. Women tend to have more balance I find.

Talk to him about quality time as a family. I'd wonder if he's simply bored of family life because he appears to be trying his hardest to detach from much of it. It's not fair on you at all.

@DeeCeeCherry

Hi OP. I do some part-time DJing, have done for years now. It is not a job for anyone with a young family to raise.

My DCs are in their 20s, my DP comes along to gigs to help as he's done similar before. Neither of us have the responsibility of children to take care of.

Once you get fairly popular there are times you could be booked 4 weekends in a month. If we do a Saturday night we can sleep it off on Sunday. If we do a Friday + Saturday then we may not even get out of bed entirely on Sunday. We don't have to. So how exactly does your DP plan to get around this? Leave everything to you? He already works in the week + goes to the gym. Now he's adding another time-sucking activity; as you've seen, DJing isn't solely about turning up to venue and spinning tunes, you have to practice, source & download music put together playlists etc. It's a big chunk out of family time.

The scene is littered with men who take every gig, never home weekends they must miss every family event and function going. Women tend to have more balance I find.

Talk to him about quality time as a family. I'd wonder if he's simply bored of family life because he appears to be trying his hardest to detach from much of it. It's not fair on you at all.

Hi thankyou so much for your reply. This is my fear that it will just get more and more he spends so much time already like you say searching downloads social media etc and practing. Plus gigs it already feels a lot! Let alone when more gigs come in :(. X

@DeeCeeCherry

Hi OP. I do some part-time DJing, have done for years now. It is not a job for anyone with a young family to raise.

My DCs are in their 20s, my DP comes along to gigs to help as he's done similar before. Neither of us have the responsibility of children to take care of.

Once you get fairly popular there are times you could be booked 4 weekends in a month. If we do a Saturday night we can sleep it off on Sunday. If we do a Friday + Saturday then we may not even get out of bed entirely on Sunday. We don't have to. So how exactly does your DP plan to get around this? Leave everything to you? He already works in the week + goes to the gym. Now he's adding another time-sucking activity; as you've seen, DJing isn't solely about turning up to venue and spinning tunes, you have to practice, source & download music put together playlists etc. It's a big chunk out of family time.

The scene is littered with men who take every gig, never home weekends they must miss every family event and function going. Women tend to have more balance I find.

Talk to him about quality time as a family. I'd wonder if he's simply bored of family life because he appears to be trying his hardest to detach from much of it. It's not fair on you at all.

Also he doesn't just work in the week it's shift work weekends and nights already. So we only have 2 weekends a month as it is. So probably none if more jobs come in x

Do you have young kids?

It is surprising how many men discover time consuming hobbies that take them away from home, if homelife gets too much like hard work

Yes, many men are selfish like this

When my DH discovered his hobby (when the kids were 2 and 4 and we lived in a / bed flat, so yes homelife was hard work) I used to feel rage about his sheer selfishness

Then I thought: 2 can play this game

I have learned to be a selfish and self pleasing as a man, almost, my kids still come first, DH can still be surprised when I tell him I am off for the day/evening

Not sure what to suggest, let him do his thing. You do your thing.