Page 2 | Partners hobbies ..help??

sarahcrawley124 · 2020-06-21T17:22:31+00:00

Hi my partner has taken up a new hobby DJing and its making me feel pretty rubbish!! We have a young child and he has a demanding job already. I just don't know how I feel about being in clubs etc we have been together a long time so it's quite a big change to the family dynamic. Thoughts... ??

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 19:52

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

If i were you, I'd tell him that you want as many nights out a month as he does DJing, and get a babysitter for at least a couple of his gigs each year.

My husband is a cricketer. Every single summer Saturday (and a bunch of Sundays) he is gone from 10am til late. I basically had the option to lean in, or be by myself all weekend, so i leant in. I go almost every week, and it has been the making of our marriage.

Thankyou for the your advice ❤️x

OP posts:

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 19:54

@Standrewsschool

I’d be a bit perturbed as well. What made him suddenly do it? Is he still contributing to family life? Is he checking out of family life and wanting to be young, free and single again? How often is he doing it?

He has always liked music but just seemed to have taken off he first brought some decks and then started a social media account wich brought in gigs. I suppose as we have been together along time I just didn't see it coming. It's quite a big hobby on top of other hobby's and demanding job. X

OP posts:

qazxc · 21/06/2020 19:56

The problem seems to be more his unwillingness to discuss without having a strop about not being supported. I'm not surprised that OP might be anxious to sign up to something when the implications and ramifications haven't been agreed.

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:00

@jinglesticks

Hi op, I joined a band aged 35, which has involved playing late in bars and clubs, and I am so grateful for how supportive my dh has been. Obviously I couldn’t have done it without his support, as we have small dcs, and it has given me a lot of happiness. I try not to take the piss, no late night gigs on school nights, and only 2-3 gigs a month. He has let me go away for a couple of weekends to play at festivals, which I know is brilliant of him. He is pleased because it has clearly made me happier and more confident. So I think my point is, if you can support your dh in this, that would be a lovely thing to do. Hobbies are great things to have as an adult.

That's great if your husband ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:01

@qazxc

The problem seems to be more his unwillingness to discuss without having a strop about not being supported. I'm not surprised that OP might be anxious to sign up to something when the implications and ramifications haven't been agreed.

❤️

OP posts:

lms2017 · 21/06/2020 20:09

A little bit different , i have 2 horses i have had since i was 9 im 32 now and so i had them before him so he knows im gone alot ! .... he has started a few new hobbies which i am quite happy to get involved with if it makes him happy.

I would find yourself something outside the relationship to do also even if it is a regular meeting up with friends , have your own time and more interest you will have more to talk about each day

If my partner however was out till 3 am and it was affecting family life , he was checking out abit then i would have a serious discussion about how it is affecting you.

Are you worried and anxious that he might be surrounded by loads of women most nights ??? .

forgetthehousework · 21/06/2020 20:12

You say it's work but that he's not being paid?

That's not work, that's definitely a hobby, but what the heck, unless he's out every night or spending more on it than you can afford I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe he feels it's a slightly ridiculous thing to be doing, assumes you're going to tell him so and is therefore unnecessarily defensive/aggressive whenever the subject comes up.

You mentioned other hobbies I think? How do you cope with them?

Clymene · 21/06/2020 20:13

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow - leaning in is a term to deceive women pursuing their careers when juggling responsibilities is hard, not becoming a fucking doormat to your husband.

OP - he's checking out of family life. You either carry on with him taking the piss and be a surrendered wife like SomeoneElse is advocating or you say it's not okay. With a young child, his priority should be you and his child, not pretending he's Norman Cook.

Really, what he's doing is just going out clubbing. But with a vague 'its work' spin on it. If he isn't earning, it's not work, it's just going clubbing.

Fuck that shit.

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:15

@lms2017

A little bit different , i have 2 horses i have had since i was 9 im 32 now and so i had them before him so he knows im gone alot ! .... he has started a few new hobbies which i am quite happy to get involved with if it makes him happy.

I would find yourself something outside the relationship to do also even if it is a regular meeting up with friends , have your own time and more interest you will have more to talk about each day

If my partner however was out till 3 am and it was affecting family life , he was checking out abit then i would have a serious discussion about how it is affecting you.

Are you worried and anxious that he might be surrounded by loads of women most nights ??? .

I dont think it's the women I mean I suppose it's not ideal but I do trust him it's more the time spent out esp as he already works lates / nights already. Maybe I'm just overthinking it all to much :( x

OP posts:

Clymene · 21/06/2020 20:15

Describe, not deceive!

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:20

[quote Clymene]@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow - leaning in is a term to deceive women pursuing their careers when juggling responsibilities is hard, not becoming a fucking doormat to your husband.

OP - he's checking out of family life. You either carry on with him taking the piss and be a surrendered wife like SomeoneElse is advocating or you say it's not okay. With a young child, his priority should be you and his child, not pretending he's Norman Cook.

Really, what he's doing is just going out clubbing. But with a vague 'its work' spin on it. If he isn't earning, it's not work, it's just going clubbing.

Fuck that shit. [/quote]
❤️ it does feel a like that it's just a lot of change. He still does do stuff with us and DD but chasing this new hobby / career seems to be taking over :( x

OP posts:

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:22

@forgetthehousework

You say it's work but that he's not being paid?

That's not work, that's definitely a hobby, but what the heck, unless he's out every night or spending more on it than you can afford I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe he feels it's a slightly ridiculous thing to be doing, assumes you're going to tell him so and is therefore unnecessarily defensive/aggressive whenever the subject comes up.

You mentioned other hobbies I think? How do you cope with them?

I'm fine with the other hobbies gaming and gym most nights i don't say anything about them x

OP posts:

lms2017 · 21/06/2020 20:27

How does he respond if you mention tagging along ?

X

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:28

@lms2017

How does he respond if you mention tagging along ? X

Yeah he's fine I have been but tbh its normally full of youngsters and just not my thing x

OP posts:

forgetthehousework · 21/06/2020 20:35

So @sarahcrawley124, what's different about this hobby? Perhaps if you can find the answer to that question you may be able to work out how you want to proceed.

Clymene · 21/06/2020 20:40

So if we call this a hobby, how much of his non working time is it eating up? How much free time do you get?

Original poster

sarahcrawley124 · 21/06/2020 20:50

@Clymene

So if we call this a hobby, how much of his non working time is it eating up? How much free time do you get?

He practices a lot of edits so it's not just when he's out of the house doing gigs. Plus with other hobby's gym etc. I personally feel it's quite a lot . X

OP posts:

Wither · 21/06/2020 20:59

I don’t think it’s ok for one partner to suddenly take up a hobby that takes them out the house so much without consulting or even be willing to have a discussion about it with the other person. You’re essentially default childcare whilst he does whatever the fuck he likes.

C152H · 21/06/2020 21:16

Perhaps you could say you will support him, but in order to do so, you need to understand the practicalities, and there may need to be compromises from both of you. e.g. how often does he intend to practice / research / do marketing for gigs / admin related to gigs / actually play gigs etc. How much support do you need at home? If he can do any prep / marketing / admin 2 nights a week, after the kids are in bed, would you be happy for him to actually DJ 1 - 2 nights per month? This would mean he'd still, in theory, be available to help do the usual routine with the kids, and give you a night or two off from caring responsibilities.

Standrewsschool · 21/06/2020 21:41

Can you suggest he cuts down his other hobbies ?

Wondersense · 21/06/2020 21:58

Unless
a)He is spending a lot of money on his money you don't have
b)Neglecting you or your child
c)You have genuine fears he's having a midlife crisis or
d) You're secretly scared he'll be unfaithful
e) He's too tired to spend time with you and your chiod because of this activity

.......then it's quite baffling why you'd have an issue with him having a hobby. Doesn't everyone have hobbies? Are you insecure that he has an interest outside of you? I'm quite concerned that you're saying that his new hobby is giving you anxiety?? What's that about? The issue here might not be his hobby. The issue might be your anxiety.

You sound as if you have an unhealthy fear of change, which many people have because it upsets the security and balance that gives you a sense of wellbeing.

Maybe he had ideas of doing it years and now he's decided that life is too short not to do it? Are you scared that you aren't a part of it? That you'll be left behind in his life? That you're growing apart? That you don't feel as important to him any more?

I couldn't live with someone who seemed anxious just because I developed a new interest! Anxious people try to deal with their feelings by controling themselves first and then they try to control their environment which includes anyone they live with. It's not healthy and I encourage you to look innward to really see the root cause of your discomfort.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 21/06/2020 22:00

Bil is a part time rave dj and he does it from a shed at the bottom of the garden and streams it to fb.Hes 49

Wondersense · 21/06/2020 22:00

Also, if he's not being paid , then it's definitely still a hobby. If he wants to change his career, then this is going to have a dramatic effect on your family life and that does deserve a serious discussion and agreement between the two of you.

Wondersense · 21/06/2020 22:07

I've read another post of yours and I think you must be missing quality time with him. My suggestion, if you're both happy with it, is to get a routine if possible. Designate certain days or hours of the week where you really focus on couple & family time. Time that doesn't involve his activities. If he wants a healthy marriage and a good relationship with his child, he needs to realise that this is just as important as his hobbies. If he resists, I would want to know how stressed he is in his day job. These hobbies are all ones where you can mentally take a break and check-out from socialising with other people, which, if he's an introvert, is how he recharges.

monkeymonkey2010 · 21/06/2020 22:28

He's done it as favours almost!
He's found a way to party - and is trying to make it look legit by saying he's in demand.
How much money is he spending on these nights incl clothes, drinks, fuel, food?