When theres nothing there anymore?

[Name4022]

I have been with DH 20years married for 14years 3 dc . There isn't anything between any more we just live under the same roof. Theres no arguments, I don't think either of us care enough to fall out over anything. No sex since December and before then could be months in between. The sex thing does not bother me at all I'd quite happily never do it ever again. He sleeps downstairs on the couch, his choice I'd never stop him getting into bed.
I literally dont have anything to say to him other than pass the time on what the dc are upto. He works hard although I also work full time I feel he can be quite controlling over money, its his money he earned it he will spend it how he wants.
He always tells me he loves me and the dc but has no interest in doing anything as a family no days out no holidays etc.
I'm so deeply unhappy the thought of living like this for another 30years scares me to death. Do people split up over things like this? No arguments no infidelity no abuse.....just nothing at all.

“He works hard although I also work full time I feel he can be quite controlling over money, its his money he earned it he will spend it how he wants.
He always tells me he loves me and the dc but has no interest in doing anything as a family no days out no holidays etc.”

It sounds like he’s not really in the family. I can see why he wants to spend some of his money on himself but overall it’s family money. Also, talk is cheap. Love is an action. It’s very easy to say he loves you but it means nothing if he never wants to spend time with you.

Personally I think this would be enough to end the marriage but I would try to fix it first. You loved each other enough to get married and have children and those feelings may be salvageable. Raising children is very demanding and you have 3 and it’s easy (and to a large extent appropriate) for the parents to put their own needs on the back burner but it sounds like your and your H’s needs may have fallen off the back of the back burner if you see what I mean. Also, he may have grown up with a relatively absent father and be replicating what he learnt.

Probably a stupid question but have you talked to him about how important it is that he actively participates in family life? And how much he is missed when not there. And how he risks losing the DC (emotionally) if he never turns up and that bringing in money is not enough? Could you contemplate couples’ therapy?

He isn't absent from family life because we just dont do those things. He is a great Dad I cant take that from him they go without nothing, he plays with them, he takes all 3 to football sometimes up and down the country with the eldest. They either do things with me or they do things with him but never all together.

Great Dad's treat the mother of their children as equal.

I could have written this. In my case exh decided to leave me (well we separated and stayed in same house at first). I was scared at first due to money but we sorted everything amicably and I now have a new dp, kids are happy, he's happy ish (I think he's realised that the grass isn't greener whereas I struck lucky).

Don't make sudden decisions but you need a serious discussion about the future and if separation is right for you it can be planned etc to minimise harm to you all

@OhioOhioOhio he doesnt treat me badly and I dont him but neither of us has anything to say to each other we rarely even sit in the same room as each other.

He wouldn't move out and I have no where else to go, it would take me years to save up for a deposit and rental and furniture for another place . I just feel stuck. We are 2 people who happen to live in the same house and share children

I feel sorry for your kids the most in all this because their parents are continuing to stay together for their own reasons and its nothing to do with them.

For your own part you have a choice re this man and they do not, do you really want to teach them that this shit example of a relationship could become their norm too?. Would you want this for them, of course you would not. Divorce is not failure, living like you both are as adults is. Do either of you think your children do not notice that their dad sleeps on the couch every evening, do you not think that they do not notice the antipathy, disdain for each other and dislike between you two?. Let each other go.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law, you both do and you can both come to a settlement.

If he can be controlling about money to his family's detriment that is financial abuse. That alone is a reason to end this charade of a marriage.

Look at his actions too, not words. Words are cheap particularly when he says he loves you all but on the other hand there is no family time together like holidays or days out. What are your children going to remember about their childhoods?. What will they say to you as adults if you were to stay with him, would they accuse you of putting him before them?. They could well do so and not without justification either. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that to them and so your relationship with them as adults could be affected to its detriment.

And he is in NO WAY a great dad if he can and does treat the mother of his children like this either.

Would you want your sons to treat their wife/partner like this?. You're showing them that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As indeed you have done here.

@Atilla we treat each other exactly the same so I suppose that makes us both bad parents.

The control with Money a prime example is I did the food shopping yesterday he pays for this ( we have separate bank accounts and share the Bills out proportionate to our salaries) I will have to ask several times for him to transfer the money over to my account. The amount of money I have spent is never an issue but getting the money back off him is. Its always I'll do it later or when I get 5 mins . I think he just likes to have that control of me keep asking for it.

Can you try and get the spark back by one date night a week? Giving each other massages?

@HellsBells92 3 kids and lockdown that ain't happening any time soon

What you describe in your post of 12.33 is financial abuse, no two ways about it. He enjoys having such power and control over you so no wonder he is refusing to move out. Abusive men always refuse to move out but no man is above the law here, not even him.Your relationship is over anyway because of that let alone anything else.

Staying for the sake of the children is no reason or basis at all to stay within such a marriage. You're hurting yourself and in turn them by staying together perhaps out of fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, financial concerns. Address those fears, not use them to hide behind your own paralysis.

Unless I win the lottery I guess I'm stuck here

If I leave now it would have to be without the dc and what sort of mother does that for her own selfish reasons

Why do you have to win the lottery? Surely starting divorce proceedings will ensure you come out with your share of the marital assets?

We have no marital assets.

You don't have to win the lottery. You can start divorce proceedings and you will probably get at least 50% of all assets (including pensions) and if you are the main carer for the dc you may be able to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18.

I'm not saying this is the only way forward; you might be able to find a way of saving your relationship but this doesn't sound very likely from what you have said. If you see a solicitor, however, you will be to get proper legal advice on what you can expect in the event of a split. Knowledge is power.

Sorry, cross-posted. Are you in rented accommodation? No pensions, savings, other assets?

We have a mortgage but with the drop in house prices in the area we wouldn't come out with anything to split. I have no savings (fairly low income) he has a 2/3 grand savings he is self employed he always has this as a back up in case hes out of work. He would never give me this to move out nor would he use it to move out himself.

There's got to be something you can do to bring back the spark? Or plan something once lockdown is over if you really don't get 5 mins together?
He seems pretty decent so I wouldn't split with him over this. However, I would definitely look at saving some money for yourself, just so you can have some kind of independence

@HellsBells92 I dont hate him theres no animosity or bad feeling perhaps if there was this would be easier. We have the opportunity to go away in September if we want too DM would have the DC but he doesn't want to go he would rather go fishing, he suggested I go away with friends instead and he would stay home with the DC.

OP, the self employed thing makes a difference. I have heard of people using this as a way of paying less CM.
He has checked out from the relationship from what I can make out.
Could you get him to open up about what is going on?

I mean it's nice of him to want to give you a break but I see what you mean about him not wanting to do something with you. Has he been to the doctor to check is testosterone levels?
Also consider couples counselling?

@Mike that's 1 thing I know he would never do is not pay fair child maintenance. I may have to chase and ask for it each week but I know I'd always get it. He would go 50/50 with uniforms or school trips or whatever they need it's the actual when he hands it over that would be the control.
We have both checked out not just him I dont want to save it either it's just a question of who says it 1st and the practicalities that then entails.

That's good, OP.
How old are the DC? I assume they are all at school.
Could he get a flat nearby?