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Original poster

Dating a seperated man with three kids

55 replies

SadSausage44 · 21/06/2020 00:46

Hi, mumsnet help needed.
I've been dating a lovely man now for 8 months. He is separated from his wife (was for 18 months before I met him) he has 3 children and has them 50/50 with his ex.
I'm having a red flag moment because, he won't tell his ex that he is seeing me. I asked him just before lockdown if he was going to tell her and he said he wanted to know if we were 100% and in it for the long run before he told her.
I understand that telling the children is a huge massive deal, however, I think his ex should know about me.
How long did it take for your oh to tell their ex partners they were seeing someone else and how long did it take to tell the children?
Btw I am mid 40s with a grown up daughter and he knows that I would be happy to meet his kids whenever he's ready and when he thinks they would be.
I just feel his ex should know he's dating me.

OP posts:
Carlottacoffee · 21/06/2020 11:05

The no plans for divorce issue. You should have bailed when you found that out. Your always going to be the OW

AgentJohnson · 21/06/2020 11:11

Wtf am I doing.

My thoughts exactly. Save yourself the heartache and step away. He’s been separated for nearly three years but he isn’t ready to let his ex know, is drama you don’t need to be anywhere near.

The current situation feeds a dynamic that is to your disadvantage, by accepting it, you open yourself up for similar crap in the future.

I suspect him being in a relationship isn’t good for his narrative/ role that he’s portraying.

Simply2020 · 21/06/2020 11:13

Please don't flame me. I find it hard that people start dating people with children and not meet them early. It's better to meet the children early just incase you do not get on with the children.

I met a man last year and met his daughter early, but did not tell her that we were seeing each other. We spent the day together and discovered that she was demanding. I ended the relationship before investing my time.

I am at a stage of my life that I don't need drama. Just peaceful life.

EL8888 · 21/06/2020 11:19

I’m not sure why you need to be a secret or why they aren’t getting divorced (doing it yourself is a relatively cheap option). Introducing you to his children is a big soon. My 1st husband wasn’t told about me starting to date someone else but it was no secret to anyone. I didn’t deliberately not tell ex-husband about it but to be fair we no longer spoke. Apart from sorting the divorce

TorkTorkBam · 21/06/2020 11:22

I'd be more worried about not meeting his friends.

Eight months is not long when much of it was in lock down though. I'd still treat it as early days.

Carlottacoffee · 21/06/2020 11:37

@Simply2020

Please don't flame me. I find it hard that people start dating people with children and not meet them early. It's better to meet the children early just incase you do not get on with the children.

I met a man last year and met his daughter early, but did not tell her that we were seeing each other. We spent the day together and discovered that she was demanding. I ended the relationship before investing my time.

I am at a stage of my life that I don't need drama. Just peaceful life.

I think sometimes your damned if you do damned if you don’t.

Whilst I can see why you should wait before introducing them I can also see the point your making

Carlottacoffee · 21/06/2020 11:40

There was actually a thread yesterday about a bloke who had separated from his wife and was in a relationship with another woman. But he still spent a lot of time having dinners at his ex’s and even visiting his ex mil for dinners! He was also paying for luxury holidays for his wife and kids to go on.

His girlfriend was well and truly kept in her box away from it all.

He may be doing this OP

Crystal87 · 21/06/2020 11:47

A few years ago I was seeing a man who was still married but separated. They didn't have kids but they shared " custody" of two dogs and owned properties together.
She had moved on but he wouldn't tell her or any of his friends about me. He talked about her constantly and in the end I realised that he probably still loved her. I don't even think they were separated. It lasted a few months and I dumped him. You don't want to commit to someone who treats you like their dirty little secret. There's always a reason behind it.

CardsforKittens · 21/06/2020 12:11

My question would be: what if they never divorce? Would you be ok with that?

It’s one thing to decide that divorce is expensive and unnecessary as long as there’s no one else affected by it. But if you’re hoping for an eventual marriage and perhaps your own children with this man, then he really needs to be divorced.

To answer your question though, I told my ex about my new partner six months into the relationship. At that point we’d been separated for four years. New partner met my kids a few months later.

In your case you probably need a timescale: if no divorce initiated in 18 months, walk away. And take a belt-and-braces approach to contraception in the meantime.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2020 12:19

I'd be more worried about not meeting his friends

So would I - it almost seems he's determined that the news doesn't get back to his wife and there's a reason for that, whether it's financial or something else

Frankly why bother? If he's like this after 3 years of "separation" it's unlikely to change any time soon, you've not known him that long and there are other men out there. I guess you could tell him to contact you if he's ever in a position to have a proper relationship, but even then I wouldn't hold my breath

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/06/2020 12:31

Run. Three DC, an ex wife, not divorced. Do you really need all that shit in your life? It will always be an issue. Forever. Run run run!

InfiniteSheldon · 21/06/2020 12:34

Honestly just move on the very word separated tells you everything you need to know. No man whose marriage is truly over (for him) says he is separated.

KeepingPlain · 21/06/2020 12:36

They won't get divorced? Why not? It can't cost that much surely and if they have split up amicably, then why not get divorced? It wouldn't take long, no fighting etc.

That's a red flag, and can see why you want her to know about you in that case. She should really, since they are still married.

GreyishDays · 21/06/2020 12:38

Do his friends and other family know about you?

NeonK · 21/06/2020 13:03

I don't get the big deal on here about dating separated people. Ex-h and I have been separated for 4 years, financials all sorted just never got round to divorce yet. I'm sure we will at some point (probably when his new partner pushes the issue).

But agree that not meeting friends & family is more concerning, although if it's 8 months now, would only have been 5 months or so pre-lockdown. I'd ask to be introduced to his wider family or close friends once lockdown allows and see what happens.

crimsonlake · 21/06/2020 13:06

Best not to date a separated man full stop, no matter how much they proptest they are ready for a new relationship the truth is they are not.

Viviennemary · 21/06/2020 13:08

Find somebody else with less baggage would be my advice. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hassle.

KeepingPlain · 21/06/2020 14:17

@NeonK

If you're happily separated, sorted out financials etc, why not just get the paperwork done? Why keep holding on to a relationship that is over? I mean it's been 4 years, are you hoping to get back together?

LexMitior · 21/06/2020 14:31

Don’t date men who are separated. If you feel like the mistress then that is because you are.

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/06/2020 14:40

Has he said why you haven’t met friends , family - with Lockdown how much time are you spending together 8 months in normal times is different - you would have gone out to pub or parties together

Bigfingers · 21/06/2020 14:44

Hi OP

My ex and I are separated (amicably) 18m with 3 kids and he told me about his new gf about 2 months into the relationship, which was about 6 months after our split. I was not upset he had a new gf, but I could have been, everyone’s different. It may be that he knows his ex would be upset and he wants to spare her feelings - that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or it’s a problem, it might just mean he’s caring and empathetic.

We had an ‘in advance’ conversation about when to tell children about new partners during the split - that our biggest priority was to protect the children’s mental health throughout, and we should not introduce new partners to them until we were 100% certain it was long term - we agreed a year is reasonable.

I don’t think you should take it as indicative of a problem, or that you are a hidden mistress. It is possible to split amicably and be moved on, whilst still wanting to keep this new part of your life separate from the ‘old’ part. In some ways it’s easier as complex childcare relationships can be stressful, I imagine his relationship with you seems easy, exciting and carefree in comparison and he might want to just keep it like that.

In short, I would try not to worry about it.

My

JaggySplinter · 21/06/2020 14:47

I'm in a similar situation but roles reversed. I'm separated for STBXH, 3DC and I've been dating someone for about 10 months. I have no plans to tell my ex, or DC. It's would complicate things. I feel very much like I am having an affair, and my BF is ok with being a relative secret still. Some of my family and friends know he exists, done of his know I exist. But that's it. It's not a red flag, but I can see why a situation like this wouldn't work for everyone.

It works for us, and we haven't chosen to meet each other's friends or family yet.

8 months still feels like very early days, and you can't have actually seen each other in person since lockdown, except at a 2m distance. But if you're not happy with the situation, you don't have to stay in it.

SunbathingDragon · 21/06/2020 14:53

If you had this conversation before lockdown, it was at least three months ago making your relationship at most five months old. That’s still early stages! Presumably you have barely seen him for the last three months which means close to half of your entire relationship has been apart.

I would take some time to look at why it matters so much to you and whether it’s your own insecurities from previous relationships or if you are certain there is something more about your relationship with him, consider whether you want to continue things.

BluebellForest836 · 21/06/2020 14:58

Do his family or friends know about you? If they don’t then I would say major red flags after 8 months

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 21/06/2020 18:32

Is he really separated!?

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