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Original poster

Jealous of ex’s new life

33 replies

Savoretti · 20/06/2020 22:38

I know this is going to paint me in a bad light and I do feel annoyed with myself about it but need some advice on how to work through jealous feelings....
Ex and I broke up about 4 years ago. His business was failing, he was drinking a lot and he was abusive to me in many ways. He ran up lots of debt in both our names and I made him leave when we had bailiffs round once too often.
I don’t miss him and I don’t miss the relationship we had.

However - he has now got a sensible well paying job so his stresses have gone and he is a calmer nicer person. He has a new partner who is very wealthy and she has a big family who have welcomed him in. And I am jealous. I’m not proud to admit that and I really want to leave it and not be.
I’m jealous he can just walk away from the joint debts as he knows I will not fall behind in payments, and now he has his rich new life. Can’t wait to introduce the DC and how her older children are so excited to meet them.
I suppose I feel inadequate. I know deep down the DC won’t love me any less but my life is going to be forever a struggle because of the money he sponged off me (and I let him) whereas his is calm and easy and fun.
How do I work through that?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2020 22:44

Who’s he got away with not paying the debts and leaving you with them?

I don’t have any advice but your feelings sound entirely normal and to be expected. You know what he’s really like, no amount of money can make up for being a bastard or being with one. Wish her luck I guess.

Original poster
Savoretti · 20/06/2020 22:50

They are in joint names so we are both liable.
That was my mistake - but I trusted him.

I think he is a nicer person to her as he has no stress anymore, good job, works out, life is easy. I don’t want him but I guess i struggle to see it all working out for him.

OP posts:
NotAProperGrownUp · 20/06/2020 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairycake2 · 20/06/2020 22:55

I get it. My exh kept our house and his new DW lives there with him now while I'm renting a flat. Sounds awful and makes me feel very shallow but I can help but be a bit jealous of how it all worked out for him and I will struggle forever. I don't know how to get over it I'm afraid but just wanted to say you are not alone!

Original poster
Savoretti · 20/06/2020 23:00

@NotAProperGrownUp believe me I haven’t just taken it lying down!!
Have railed against it, written to all the people he/we owe, had legal advice etc. They can’t halve what we owe as it’s joint liability. As long as someone is paying they don’t care.
But if I stop paying I’m scared I will get bailiffs back... possibly I should do that as presumably he would get a visit too. But that scares me so much and he knows that. I guess that’s his trump card.
Flowers @Fairycake2 - sorry you are in the same position - it’s hard isn’t it Angry

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 20/06/2020 23:03

My ex did rather the same to me in terms of joint debts, although I managed not to be liable for everything. I promise that the day you are debt free will feel amazing! I also had some counselling, which helped me process everything. Flowers

Original poster
Savoretti · 20/06/2020 23:11

Not sure I’ll ever be debt free but I’m paying minimum so it’s ok.
Its not just the debt though, I guess it’s seeing him build a new life so easily now that things are good for him. I think I should be happy for him and happy that the DC have a good time when they are with him. But I’m actually jealous of that...
Maybe more counselling would be good

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 20/06/2020 23:15

Gosh op you’re not a saint. I actually think you would be better to accept that it’s perfectly natural to feel highly pissed of that the debt shirking bastard is getting an easy ride. Otherwise not being happy for him and gracious about it becomes another stick to beat yourself with.

stilleatingturkey · 20/06/2020 23:17

Why don't you cut contact completely so you can't witness any of this. Just disappear and leave him wondering.

Original poster
Savoretti · 20/06/2020 23:25

@stilleatingturkey would do that in a heartbeat if no DC. They should be all we talk about but he manages to get in a few goady messages as well.
All I really want is to be able to let them wash over me. Some Days they just get to me is all

OP posts:
VesperLynne · 20/06/2020 23:35

If he has a job surely he has a moral duty to assume responsibility for the debt he created. Is there nothing you can do legally ?.

Techway · 20/06/2020 23:37

He is not a good person if he has left the mother of his children with debts. Does he pay CMS?

If he is trying to upset you that suggests he still has links with you and life won't be completely rosy for him. He will have to hide his real character and past. Most adults are not capable of such a dramatic change so I suspect it is a charade. Give it a while..life has many twists and turns.

ExH treated me terribly in the divorce and seemed to land on his feet financially with new wife who is extremely wealthy but I know that he will treat her badly and suspect it is already happening. He also sends me "accidental" updates which I now know is his attempt to provoke me. I don't react at all as I know he wants to portray me as the crazy Ex.

You will get there. Is there anything you can look forward to? Even a small achievement or place you can visit? You will have come far even if it doesn't feel like it.

Opentooffers · 20/06/2020 23:40

Were you married or was he just a DP? Big difference financially for you. Either way I hope his maintenance payment have gone up along with his nice job, if not, get CMS on it.

Everyonetakeiteasy · 20/06/2020 23:50

I was going to ask exactly what VesperLynne said.. Any chance you can just say to him "look you can clearly pay off your debt now yourself. You're welcome"
Surely he isn't actually a calmer nicer person as you describe him if he isn't actually offering HIMSELF to take the load off you by taking on the full payment of his debt?! I am so angry with the injustice of it all...
You are raising his kids.... And he chooses to take your money forgetting he is morally responsible for!?

Everyonetakeiteasy · 21/06/2020 00:05

@Techway

He is not a good person if he has left the mother of his children with debts. Does he pay CMS?

If he is trying to upset you that suggests he still has links with you and life won't be completely rosy for him. He will have to hide his real character and past. Most adults are not capable of such a dramatic change so I suspect it is a charade. Give it a while..life has many twists and turns.

ExH treated me terribly in the divorce and seemed to land on his feet financially with new wife who is extremely wealthy but I know that he will treat her badly and suspect it is already happening. He also sends me "accidental" updates which I now know is his attempt to provoke me. I don't react at all as I know he wants to portray me as the crazy Ex.

You will get there. Is there anything you can look forward to? Even a small achievement or place you can visit? You will have come far even if it doesn't feel like it.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this both.. You and the OP I mean. I can bet you're not even the only ones...

It is true his life (OP's ex) can't be that rosy if he needs to...get her attention with little digs. Any chance OP that you are willing to experiment with mental projections: imagine the ex as a puny man (imagine him physically small) who is slightly growing but still stuck and to trying to get your attention with little self praises. And to make yourself feel more empowered - have you tried replying to him bluntly "sorry can you stop being childish presenting yourself like that. If you are doing well be morally just and pay up. I'm still waiting for you to do the right thing so your children won't be ashamed when they grow up and find out. Step up. Thanks "

Halo84 · 21/06/2020 00:05

I would seek legal advice on the debt. I would be tempted to declare bankruptcy in your shoes.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2020 01:39

My biggest annoyance would be the debt he's not paying.

At least going forwards this experience means you hopefully won't allow another man to use you financially.

You say he's nicer and calmer...if he was truly nice now, he'd have a conscience and start paying off the debt he ran up. Especially now he's in a financial position to do so.

He's not nice...he's either putting on a false self because she's wealthy. If he wanted a new relationship with a decent woman, he had to pull up his game from what he used to be.

You can never know if he's really genuine.

he manages to get in a few goady messages as well.

And you say he's nicer...doesn't sound like it.

More like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I wonder if his new partner ever sees his phone....I'd be tempted to send messages regarding the debt regularly to him.

Reminding him of the total amount and his liability.

I'm sure he's paying the bare minimum if CS and leaving all the debt to you.

Nasty man he is.

Halo84 · 21/06/2020 02:42

If you declare bankruptcy, he will be liable for all the debt.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/06/2020 03:17

He sounds really nasty. New job with good money and he won’t face up to his responsibilities and pay off the debt. Wow what a loser
Is he at least paying maintenance?

You have morals, a sense of responsibility, a trusting nature and are the main parent. Your DC are lucky to have you. Your friends and family are lucky to have you
Him? Meh

needhandhold · 21/06/2020 04:25

Look at declaring bankruptcy. I know somebody who did this. It’s not as scary as you think. There has to be a way to get him to pay his half of the debt.

needhandhold · 21/06/2020 04:26

I think in your shoes I’d be tempted to contact the new woman and let her know exactly what she’s with and ask her to tell him he’s now responsible for repaying his debts.

Original poster
Savoretti · 21/06/2020 07:38

Thanks everyone. I think I was having a ‘woe is me’ moment as he had been messaging last night.
I just went for a cycle ride and feel a bit more positive today. He has ruined enough of my life I want to move on from that now and need to focus on me and not on what he has, or what I perceive he has anyway.

OP posts:
Wer2Next · 21/06/2020 09:35

Have you actually asked him to help you pay the debts?

MaeDanvers · 21/06/2020 09:42

The little digs he gets in are proof he really hasn't changed very much. He might be in a financially better situation now, but he sure hasn't grown emotionally has he?

I do think if it is at all possible you should try to do something about getting him to pay his fair share. If it's massive debts and you are struggling would bankruptcy or something like that be any worse than striving to pay all this money on both of your behalfs?

Also - why can't you give the bailiffs his address if they do come round? It's only his trump card if you keep letting him play it.

Flyingagainstreason · 21/06/2020 11:46

He’s not got an easy ride. He’s got to live with himself forever. And seeing as he’s an epic cunt, I would imagine that won’t be pleasant.

And trust me, I’m sure he will fuck the next bit of his life up too.

Stop having contact with him. Just have an email address for children chat only. You don’t need this twat popping up in your life all the time. It stops you from moving on.

It’s easier to move on If you don’t have contact with someone. If you do it’s 100 x harder.

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