Husband doesn’t want another baby

[Mlg9]

Sorry if this is long...can’t talk about this in real life to anyone and really need to write it down to get some clarity.
We have three kids (3, 5, 14-hubby is stepdad to 14). He works away some of the month and I work part time. At some point in the last two years he mentioned having another baby but at that point the youngest wasn’t sleeping great and I was full time at work at that point and I laughed him off and said I probably wouldn’t want another one but we’d discuss it in 6 months or so. So obviously in those six months I inevitably did change my mind but so did he and he’s now adamant he doesn’t want another baby. I have tried talking to him, convincing him - but it’s a straight no. So I’ve spent about a month crying trying to come to terms with this. Considering I had it set in my head we would, since he’d been keen and I didn’t think he’d change his mind. He’s now booked a vasectomy and there’s absolutely no changing his mind. In fact, he’s seen me breaking my hear about it so now just avoids the subject altogether. If it comes up he changes the subject, goes out etc anything to avoid the discussion. Now a close family member has just announced they’re pregnant and he’s gushing all over them. And talking on a group chat (me included) about how excited they must be and so happy ( as am I) but he hasn’t ever asked me once How I feel about this news since it’s only a month ago I was crying my eyes out about not having another baby. In fact, it’s like it just didn’t ever happen.
Yes I know I sound selfish. But this doesn’t stop me being very happy for them and sending cards and congratulations etc.
But...my heart feels like it is breaking. My two youngest constantly ask for a baby and he just pretends he doesn’t hear.
I’m 41 so I don’t have any time to spare or hope he’ll change his mind (he won’t).
Any advice when this will stop hurting? And I can stop crying about it?

Having a baby requires both people to be on board and that isn't happening. Yes it hurts, but you do have three children already so he isn't denying you the experience of motherhood or anything. Try and think about all the sleepless nights you won't be having or the smelly nappies you won't be changing or the extra years you won't have another grumpy teenager in the house for. Enjoy the children you do have.

I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I wouldn't go back to sleeplessness if you paid me. No way. We're just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now. And they have each other so it's not like they'd be lonely without a third. And you have another child in the house as well.

So yeah, he's in his 40s and he works away and he doesn't want to face into all that again. Don't judge him for that tbh.

And also tbh mentioning it off hand 2 years ago is not some binding contract. There's no betrayal here. You had a brief conversation, you revisited it after a while and he had changed his mind entirely. And that's allowed.

Not wanting any more of my own doesn't stop me being delighted for other people who have kids - that's an entirely normal reaction. It's not hypocrisy!

You may need counseling to come to terms with his decision though.

I'd love another baby but DH doesn't so we aren't having one.
Yes I'm sad about it, but my main priority is my family and that consists of me, DH and DS. I wouldn't trade or ruin what I have which I would have to do if having another baby was my priority.

You originally said no, you both agreed to revisit in 6 months, you both changed your minds. It's unfair that you're blaming him. He's done nothing wrong.

Just as "your body your choice" gets screamed from the rooftops when it's a woman who doesn't want to be pregnant the same goes for him. He has every right to say no especially as presumably he is carrying the greater financial burden of supporting the family

You have three kids, you're 41 and your husband doesn't want another baby.
No disrespect but really, you just need to accept the blessings of your life and deal with it.

I'm 33 and have 3 dc.I couldn't imagine having the energy for a 4th nm at 41. I'm glad all those happy days are long gone and my youngest who's 4 starting school. You need to respect you're dh decision tbh 4 dc would is quite alot to handle.

You have my total sympathy @Mlg9 - I've been where you are. Dh did have a vasectomy. And our marriage has never really recovered. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful or positive. Hopefully you will be able to forgive better than I could.

Yes, hopefully you can move on from this and focus on the 3 you have and your partner

The problem here is that as much as we all tell you its for the best ,he has rights and so on .Nothing will stop that little voice inside getting louder and louder "just one more"! Can you speak to a Counsellor maybe ? Its sometimes easier to talk face to face ,and have a little cry to someone completely anonymous , and trained in helping you come to terms with your feelings .I think at 40 plus and with other DC as well you would find it hard work TBH. You probably realise that but it doesnt help really does it! Maybe you could say to DH ,that although you are pleased for your relative ,could he not over do the congrats while you are feeling as you do .Hopefully you may be able to see each others POV .

Thanks for the honesty @MiddlesexGirl and I’m really
Sorry you went through it as well. I’m finding there’s more and more resentment building here. Which I don’t know is more to do with the lack of discussion about it, he just shut it down without even talking. And it just makes me feel
Sad.
As for people saying I should focus on the three I have, I spend every waking moment devoted to them. And I should “focus on my partner”?
I am absolutely excited about the new pregnancy and have sent many texts/FaceTimes about it (lockdown). And I absolutely don’t expect my husband not to be so gushy...but where is the empathy?!
If the roles were reversed here and this happened, I’d be turning round to him and saying...that’s really good news about xxxx’s pregnancy but I know you really wanted another baby - so how are you feeling. This must drive it home that you won’t be having another one etc etc. And understand it must be hard to hear, despite the excitement - do you want a hug etc?
But I get nothing.
I’m guessing I perhaps just expected too much from All the replies though.

You need to find a way to make your peace with it OP. I don't think anyone here can tell you how but I think that if you don't, the resentment will breed and fracture your relationship.

I think you need to go to counselling to both move on from not having another child and to see if your marriage can survive.

Perhaps he knows how you're feeling and therefore isn't asking. What good would that conversation have? You're only going to be more upset avout it, and men don't act like women do with regards to a hug etc.
You say you resent him for not wanting one, how would you feel if DH said he resents you for wanting one coupled with the month long crying etc?

I’m sorry @neron we have to agree to disagree. If my kids, a friend or family member were upset about something - I would want to talk things out with them. Ignoring it isn’t ever going to make it better. Containing each other’s emotions is what a supportive partner/parent does and I don’t ever think ignoring things makes it better.

I think having a fourth child is ludicrous, you already have too many. The world is packed, it's a miserable place where there are already too many people and you just want to keep on breeding.
Are your children ever going to be home owners, will they even have jobs? The post covid world is a horrible place and it isn't going to get better any time soon.
What will you do if you have a severely disabled or autistic child that takes every last bit of your energy and mental reserves for the rest of your life, you halready have three healthy children why are you risking a 4th at your age, find a hobby or something fulfilling or go and work for a childrens charity.
My sister would love just one child.
I had a friend your age who was absolutely determined to have a last child in her 40;s and she had a non verbal autistic child that screams and breaks up the house 24/7. She hasn't had a good nights sleep in 15 years. Her husband left her and she lives on UC with nothing whatsoever to look forward to.

Men don't always talk about things, women are more likely to. Perhaps bring it up with him and say how it's upset you because he hasn't asked how you feel as someone else is having a baby, his reaction to it, plus you want one and he doesn't.

I didn't say it was right, but if you want one and he doesn't, is the conversation going to end well given you already resent him that's all.

I can understand your feelings but there’s no alternative here. Also I do think you are overreacting re his “ gushing”. It’s perfectly OK to be thrilled for someone else’s pregnancy whilst not wanting a child yourself. He’s told you how he feels and you just have to deal with that , whether that’s counselling or whatever, and not blame him for being honest. You have three children!

@madcatladyforever I can see why you are no longer friends. You sound mean, judgemental and a bit of a witch

Wow @madcatladyforever ... I’ll tell my children that someone thinks we already “have too many children”. Absolutely lovely! “Find a hobby? I work (think I mentioned that already?). I actually work in early years teaching, specialising in SEN children. I thoroughly have my eyes open to the possibility of this for any of the children I have.
How do you know what the post-covid world will look like, considering it isn’t even post-covid yet 🤷🏻‍♀️
Ugh...and then I find myself drawn into a discussion with someone on the internet. When really all that is needed is - scroll on by.
Please don’t tell someone they already “have too many children”. Those children are worshipped and adored and I will spend my entire life making sure that they know how much they are! Just wow!!!

How does someone go from requesting another baby to getting a vasectomy in 6 months?? Has something triggered him?

"Perhaps he knows how you're feeling and therefore isn't asking"

WHY do men do this?!

@HatRack

How does someone go from requesting another baby to getting a vasectomy in 6 months?? Has something triggered him?

It doesn't really sound like he was ever dead set on the idea - more that he simply floated it as a possibility. It may well have been bringing it up for discussion that got him to think it through and decide no.

Regardless, it's how he feels. No one ever has to justify not wanting another child, especially when they already have 3.

@madcatladyforever

I think having a fourth child is ludicrous, you already have too many. The world is packed, it's a miserable place where there are already too many people and you just want to keep on breeding. Are your children ever going to be home owners, will they even have jobs? The post covid world is a horrible place and it isn't going to get better any time soon. What will you do if you have a severely disabled or autistic child that takes every last bit of your energy and mental reserves for the rest of your life, you halready have three healthy children why are you risking a 4th at your age, find a hobby or something fulfilling or go and work for a childrens charity. My sister would love just one child. I had a friend your age who was absolutely determined to have a last child in her 40;s and she had a non verbal autistic child that screams and breaks up the house 24/7. She hasn't had a good nights sleep in 15 years. Her husband left her and she lives on UC with nothing whatsoever to look forward to.

Well that escalated quickly

Well, he chose to open pandoras box.

Your feelings are your feelings OP and you are entitled to them, however no one can rationally feel you are hard done by with 3 children and a husband who has been open and honest and has every right to decide how many children he is happy to have- just as you are too (fewest number desired wins here I’m afraid). Sorry if this comes across harsh from some.