Husband doesn’t want another baby

[Mlg9]

Sorry if this is long...can’t talk about this in real life to anyone and really need to write it down to get some clarity.
We have three kids (3, 5, 14-hubby is stepdad to 14). He works away some of the month and I work part time. At some point in the last two years he mentioned having another baby but at that point the youngest wasn’t sleeping great and I was full time at work at that point and I laughed him off and said I probably wouldn’t want another one but we’d discuss it in 6 months or so. So obviously in those six months I inevitably did change my mind but so did he and he’s now adamant he doesn’t want another baby. I have tried talking to him, convincing him - but it’s a straight no. So I’ve spent about a month crying trying to come to terms with this. Considering I had it set in my head we would, since he’d been keen and I didn’t think he’d change his mind. He’s now booked a vasectomy and there’s absolutely no changing his mind. In fact, he’s seen me breaking my hear about it so now just avoids the subject altogether. If it comes up he changes the subject, goes out etc anything to avoid the discussion. Now a close family member has just announced they’re pregnant and he’s gushing all over them. And talking on a group chat (me included) about how excited they must be and so happy ( as am I) but he hasn’t ever asked me once How I feel about this news since it’s only a month ago I was crying my eyes out about not having another baby. In fact, it’s like it just didn’t ever happen.
Yes I know I sound selfish. But this doesn’t stop me being very happy for them and sending cards and congratulations etc.
But...my heart feels like it is breaking. My two youngest constantly ask for a baby and he just pretends he doesn’t hear.
I’m 41 so I don’t have any time to spare or hope he’ll change his mind (he won’t).
Any advice when this will stop hurting? And I can stop crying about it?

I think you need to be straight with your DH "I accept your decision and I am not trying to change your mind but I
NEED your support to come to terms with it and grieve for the child I wanted to have"

You need to be honest with him that it's very raw and painful for you.

He is clearly a year ahead of you in processing how he feels but yes as your partner he should be emotionally supportive of where you are at this moment in time.

It seems your DH is trying to lay low and ignore your hurt, he probably feels very guilty. Please address this dynamic so you don't end up drifting apart.

@Mlg9

I’m sorry *@neron* we have to agree to disagree. If my kids, a friend or family member were upset about something - I would want to talk things out with them. Ignoring it isn’t ever going to make it better. Containing each other’s emotions is what a supportive partner/parent does and I don’t ever think ignoring things makes it better.

But you're blaming him for you feeling this way. I think that causes a very different dynamic than say you weren't able to have another baby and your dh was providing emotional support during your friend's pregnancy. How can he ask you how you are feeling when you've made it very plain that you blame him and have been breaking your heart for a month?

I feel for you, OP, as I know that broody feeling all to well. But I have to agree with a previous poster. The facts are you are 41 and a mother of three. It’s time to get some acceptance that you’ve been very lucky and have a lovely family, and that your time for babies is over. Your husband doesn’t want to add to your family and so that’s the issue put to bed. You need to find a way to move on.
I know it’s hard, but it would be a shame for this to spoil your enjoyment of the family you already have. Don’t let it become an obsession.

Acceptance is the word here. You both need to accept how you each feel, understand you can't have a child in these circumstances and learn to move on before it sours your relationship and family.

I do think YABU here (wrong forum I know!) you would be massively rolling the dice at 41, look at the stats, that's a lot of pressure on your children and you and your husband if you did not have a healthy child. You also mention you've gone down to part time so presumably a lot of financial pressure on your DH (apologies for the assumption there but I'm assuming a reduction in your hours is a reduction in household income).

There's lots of reasons a child doesn't sound right here, but mostly, because of your DH. You can't resent him for not wanting another child, 3 is already a large-ish family. I understand wanting some sympathy from him but that is going to be difficult if he is feeling responsible for how you feel.

You really need to find a way to get past this. The fact it's at the point you can't feel happy for a family member expecting your DH to check how you feel seems a tad irrational. Careful these years don't pass you by.

I think people are giving you a hard time unnecessarily here. I do think your DH could be more sympathetic and caring about how you feel, particularly with regards to your family member's pregnancy. It does sound like he's just ignoring you in the hope that you'll stop feeling emotional and go away.

One thing that did jump out at me - why are your children asking for a baby? I've never heard children say anything like this, can't help wondering whether they've picked something up. If my children were saying this, I'd shut it down pretty quickly, for everyone's sake. It does no-one any good trying to get your kids to change their Dad's mind.

I do think you and DH need to have a chat about it all. Not because you think you can convince him not to have the op, but because he needs to acknowledge your feelings and that might help you accept not having another baby. It's tough but worth doing so that you can all move on happily together eventually.

Ugh...and then I find myself drawn into a discussion with someone on the internet. When really all that is needed is - scroll on by.
Please don’t tell someone they already “have too many children”. Those children are worshipped and adored and I will spend my entire life making sure that they know how much they are! Just wow

So what will a fourth child bring into the mix that the other three don’t? Having a fourth child is for your own selfish reasons. Just look at the world around you! This whole world is slowly falling apart and all you want to do is stamp your foot because you’re not getting a FOURTH child. Sorry, but I
am completely on your husbands side here.

There are women here who are struggling for a first child. I will save all my sympathy for them!

You're 41 and already have 3 children. What you're experiencing is the panic women get when they see the menopause looming.

You need to stop the resenting. Your husband has as much right as you to decide on increasing his family, his financial responsibility and his life style. He probably feels it's time to look forward to enjoying his family rather than struggling with sleepless nights and constant mess.

Is the need for a baby because you're youngest is getting older and more independent?

Your 41 and already have 3 children.

If you have been crying constantly about it no wonder he just goes out... what is there to talk about? He doesn’t want another child. End off.

You already have three children. It does seem unjustifiable to look for sympathy because you can't have four, to be honest.

Thanks everyone for all your responses. Hope you all enjoy whats left of the weekend and thanks again for taking your time to reply to my post! Take care and be kind! 😊❤️

I know it sounds harsh but again you have three (presumably healthy) children and I think it's time to count your blessings. It really isn't relevant who else is pregnant and how he feels about that it's about you and your family and for whatever reason he has decided it's not what he wants

Oh love, you are forty one with three happy and healthy DC. Time to count your blessings I would have thought.

Mostly good, sympathetic advice and comments here. Just to add one thing, though: your two youngest constantly ask for a baby, but that's going to happen regardless. If you went ahead and had another baby, when he or she is 3-5, they would probably also be desperate for a younger sibling, but you have to stop somewhere and somebody has to remain the youngest in the family.

How many bedrooms do you have? If you currently have four and you had another baby, before long, that would mean that somebody with their own room now would end up having to share. Would they appreciate that this would be the case?

My parents only had two children, but I know my older sister missed out on a number of opportunities because Mum had a baby (me) to look after and simply could not manage the logistics that she could otherwise have done had I not arrived. Yes, there can be certain benefits to having two rather than one (and my DSis has forgiven me now!), but I daresay the difference in going from three to four could well tip the pros/cons balance the other way, all told.

Yes, once they've arrived, every new child is loved and valued as the individual they are; but there's a reason why virtually all families consciously call it a day and/or use contraception to control the size of their family, rather than just having as many babies as naturally come along before the menopause begins.

Your feelings are your feelings OP and you are entitled to them, however no one can rationally feel you are hard done by with 3 children and a husband who has been open and honest and has every right to decide how many children he is happy to have

Couldn’t have put it better than this pp

What are your husbands reasons for saying NO op has he stated any? In all fairness it’s only been a month so you will be adjusting to the idea still.

People are allowed to change their mind which he has. As other people have already said, it may be that the children are becoming more independent and he doesn't want to revisit the baby years.
Whatever happens, he is taking responsibility for his decision in getting a vasectomy. He doesn't want another child so he's biting the bullet rather than expecting you to sort out contraception.

He feels the way he feels and he is entitled to change his mind. It’s hard but he sounds resolute about it and you need to get used to the idea. If the boot was on the other foot and a man was trying to convince his wife / partner to have a 4 and she wasn’t keen, then he would get a similar response. My partner would point blank refuse even 3 children -convincing him for 2 most likely would be a challenge. 4 children is a lot, especially in the modern world.
What reasons has he given?

So essentially, you are allowed to change your mind, but he is not?

You have to come to terms with it, there is no winner here, unfortunately.

I think it's unfair to say he is ignoring you. He has seen you crying for a month, he probably thinks that talking about the baby will be a trigger for you and upset you more, and is avoiding bringing it up. Be fair op, if he did bring it up, would you accuse him of being insensitive?

That may be how he feels and he is damned for not doing it, and he may feel he will be damned for doing it.

I actually work in early years teaching, specialising in SEN children. I thoroughly have my eyes open to the possibility of this for any of the children I have.

Just to pick up on this...early years teaching children with SEN is in no way comparable with raising one 24/7. It just isn't.

@HatRack Well, he chose to open pandoras box.

Yes, but that doesn't oblige him to have a child.

@HatRack How does someone go from requesting another baby to getting a vasectomy in 6 months??

That's not the timeline. OP said her dh mentioned it up to TWO yrs ago, and she said then "we'll discuss it in 6 mths" during that (at least) 2 yrs, he changed his mind, probably because his wife indicated at the time that she "probably wouldn’t want another one". So isn't it completely possible that he did his grieving for another child during that time? That op probably didn't see his grief either?

So perhaps he has spent that time coming to terms with not having another child, fully expecting his wife to not want one? Perhaps he booked his vasectomy off the back of that comment?

and I laughed him off and said I probably wouldn’t want another one

Can't blame him for making his peace with 3dc after this.