Advice wanted mums and girlfriends

[Miranda2001]

Hello,

I am a man and I felt this was the best place to gauge an opinion as I am rather torn.

I left my wife 2 years ago and we have subsequently divorced. I believe witnessing a death caused some form of crisis and I ended the marriage abruptly before seeing someone new.

However, we have a child together who is 11.

I am in a new relationship but Ex W isn’t and has never been. I have put her through a lot and feel guilty. I know she is still sad but has got a lot better over the past year.

Now my question. Although I couldn’t be a good husband, throughout the marriage and since then, I have always wanted to do my very best for my Ex W and daughter. I don’t want them to move out of the family home and I am happy to rent for another 10 years if needs be. It’s a lovely home and they deserve to enjoy it and the space it offers. Unlike some men who go off and start new lives and stick rigidly to the maintenence, I feel that they both deserve to remain in the lifestyle we shared as a family and I want to be there for them. Currently this leads me to compartmentalise my life which frankly is difficult as I can’t be seen texting my ex as o feel awful for doing so, even though we are talking about mundane practicalities

One of the issues is balancing my desire to be generous to ex W and maintaining a girlfriend. I have no intention to ever go back to that relationship, but i would like to enjoy a closer friendship with ex W than I do now. After all we were very close and have a general ease around each other. It’s just the attraction and physical element that wasn’t present and would never be again.

In an ideal world I would still like to take my ex w and daughter on holidays to give my daughter a family experience as we had some of the best holidays together and so many memories. At the moment I can’t do that otherwise the girlfriend would not stand for it, so instead i discreetly pay for them to go off on holidays every now and then to places better than I take my GF. I’d like to go out as a family for a meal or pop round the ex MILs house for dinner every now and then as we were also very close.

For various reasons my current relationship will not last so I have a choice ahead of me

1. move out of our current home and move closer to ex W and daughter so my daughter can pop round when mum gets fed up of her (or vice versa). Do the family holidays thing and the social aspect that I miss of our relationship but remain single

2. move closer and do all the above and hope to find a new partner one day who will be open and secure enough for me to do all the above

My question is two fold - for ex wives with children - is my wanting to do these things with the ex and daughter as part of a family Unit normal?

To girlfriends who are dating someone’s ex with a child - would you feel uncomfortable if your boyfriend was still attentive to their family?

Doing the right thing for your child is right and proper. The right girlfriend will understand that. Is your ex not moving on because she hopes you will reconcile? If that may be the case you should focus on your child, rather than seeing them as a unit I think.

Something you need to think about is where your ex-wife is with this. Does she want to get back together? If she does and you do not, it would be cruel to be giving her hopes - which your plan would. The kind thing would be to give her space and time to move her life on without you.

You have to realise that such a close relationship would also effect her pool of potential partners. But maybe that's what you want?

Thank you, I hadn’t considered her view. However I did ask whether if I was single she would mind me moving back to the town and she said no and she wouldn’t mind if I got a new partner. She doesn’t like my current GF (never met) as she doesn’t agree with her having dated me and living with me whilst I was still married, though I should add we only dated after I moved out of the family home

Yes, it was very clear you haven't considered your ex's view at all - your whole post is about yourself. You should spend some time having a good think, considering her viewpoint and potential effects on her, not jumping straight past it.

You can still make sure your daughter has a roof over her head without having to spend all this time with your ex wife. I don't think most new partners would be comfortable with you going on holiday with an ex.

Your daughter is old enough to know you aren't together and realise you don't spend a lot of time together because oh that. Occasions like your daughters birthday would be different. You need to separate your relationship with your daughter and your ex wife.

I mean, it may be that this arrangement could suit you all well, but it seems to me like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too, rather selfishly - to have the family life you left and have another life.

If you end up confusing your dd and getting her hopeful you'll come back (and the same for her mother) you'll end up doing more of the damage you claim you feel guilty about. You admit that you never considered your ex-wife's feelings in this so you really really need to work on that selfish streak in yourself.

I think you should concentrate on your relationship with your daughter.

You can never recreate those old holidays .

"The girlfriend"? Get over yourself .

TBH you sound like a real twat - either that or this is a joke. Go to your ex MIL's - dear God

. The emojis speak for themselves. You are thinking entirely of what you'd like which is far different from the real world. No current GF would want you going off on family holidays, no it's not normal. What you want to do is cherry pick the best bits of the marriage while also keeping the side benefits of sex with someone else. It's a shame you didn't realise that divorcing your wife also means that you don't get to be a part of family life as it was, you should have known and not expect this. The only GF or wife that would put up with your intrusion to this degree is not the cool laid back one that you would imagine, but a person with very low self esteem that is a doormat - if you want that in a new partner? YANB realistic or reasonable, your so far off the mark with these ideas it's funny

The person you should be asking is your ex wife. If my husband upped and left suddenly and shacked up with someone new, I most certainly would not want play happy families with him while he shagged other women. You chose to leave the family unit. You are not a family anymore. By all means ensure financial security for your child and co-parent civilly with your ex but family holidays and cosy family meals together where you get to go back to your most recent love interest afterwards smacks of you wanting your cake and eating it too. You made your choice and now you have to live with it.

Your actually sort of in a similar situation as me.

Dh and I have just separated. Even though I get on with him as a person I just don’t find him attractive anymore.

When lock down finishes and we can sell this house he will have to do quite a bit of the school pick ups as I’ll be at work so he will be at my house when I get home from work. He has just booked a holiday in a lovely hotel in a resort I love for next summer and wants to add me on.

Even though I’d love to go and enjoy the family time and it’s great he can look after the kids at mine this is going to prevent me from moving on properly as I know he will be devastated if I do.

I can’t find some one new and expect them to be ok about me going off on an amazing family holiday or my ex husband cooking me and our kids dinner for when I get home from work.

You have three choices

1. Get back with your wife
2. Move closer and stay single
3. Separate your life appropriately and let your wife move on. This is what happens when relationships breakdown

OP, I get that you want to do the decent thing, and that'sadmirable, but your post is somewhat self absorbed. You are only seeing and considering what you want, not what your ex or a new partner would want. You can't have it both ways, you can't play families with your ex and expect someone new to just accept this. Of course you should still be involved as a parent, and maybe help out ex with house issues, but holidays together, dinners together etc, it sounds like you still want the family life but shagging someone else. And yes, you are probably holding up your ex in limbo as well, whether she realises or not.

It sounds to me like you want your cake and eat it too. You want to be single and in a family. Either cut ties and just be there for your child or try and make the married work. There isn’t a magic inbetween.

I've been separated for 1.5 years, in middle of divorce, we have a 5 and 3 year old. (I'm a woman!)

I've been casually seeing someone for about a year, not met children, never even stayed the night (when I say casually I don't mean just sexually, we have grown very close and have a wonderful friendship but have paced things slowly because of children, me needing just a slower pace after a long relationship etc). From the start I said to him that for the sake of the children, I want to have a good relationship with ex, we still spend time together, still do things like take the boys out for a bike rides/food, right now we have done birthdays and Christmas together. New partner and I decided after all the lockdown stuff that we feel it's time to move our relationship forward but again I was clear that the boys will always be first and I'd like to still be able to do these things. He is ok with this, he has always been and has always been incredibly understanding of the need for two young boys to have parents that get on and show respect for one another and still get to do some things together. I have told him there are certain things I'd still like to do, we were meant to take the boys to Disney world for a holiday, ex and I would still like to do this, new partner understands this and is accepting.

Ex over the last year has actually been a nightmare towards me and new partner and his behaviour has been beyond questionable, but despite that new partner is still in support of ex and I sustaining a relationship in that way for the children. We have had many long discussions about it and have agreed on boundaries, and know that the current routine won't necessarily always continue as boys get older.

I would say that I would move closer to ex and daughter (as long as that's something your ex is also happy with) and put your daughter as the focus, when you meet someone be clear on what the relationship with your ex is and what you wish to do, and don't budge on the things that are important for your daughter, I believe the right person will be accommodating of that.

Also in regards to things like having cake and eating it and cherry picking best bits, I do entirely see this point of view, but for me I think I set out what ideally I'd like to still give my children right now and happened to find someone that agreed that would be the best thing right now. If our relationship moves forward things will inevitably change and adjust. I don't expect by any means to go on holidays every year with ex and out to dinner all the time!

Well you're just wanting to pick and choose the fun bits of being a family and being with your ex W aren't you? You've dumped the boring bits. Fair enough but there's other people to consider. My ex H was like that. He got very angry when he got engaged to a new girlfriend and I drew boundaries and told him he couldn't have it all.

I don’t think you are wrong to want to present a healthy coparenting relationship to your daughter. Being able to celebrate her milestones together, go to parents evenings together...all admirable ambitions. But do be mindful of your ex’s needs

I do know families where ex and current wife and all the children have gone on holiday together, and it has worked fine. But that was to facilitate half-siblings being able to spend lots of time with each other, and they had spent Christmases and some birthdays together. It took a while to get to this stage, it didn't happen overnight.

It does take a more mature attitude and a willingness to put children first. It would undoubtedly work better for your DD if you lived near to her, so that she could just drop in casually after school because she felt like it. My own father moved very close to us for this very reason, and it meant that we could come and go between the 2 houses very comfortably. I don't think it was easy for my Mum in the beginning though, she had to deal with potentially bumping into him every time she left the house.
As for future girlfriends, I don't see why it should be a problem if you are honest about arrangements from the beginning, and make sure you also arrange for some couple/holiday time too. People just want to know that they are cared for, that they matter.

Thanks Boymum - wondering whether your ex is struggling that you have someone else...

Thanks everyone - appreciate the honest comments. Although I don’t paint myself in glory over this, it’s a real personal struggle for me. There is no handbook for this and trying to sort out thoughts and emotions in my head isn’t easy, whilst trying to be a father, supportive ex husband, partner not to mention the high pressure career I have to maintain.

Case of cake having and eating much?
I can’t see why your current relationship wouldn’t last 🤔...
You feel bad because you treated your xW bad so now you feel it’s it’s ok to treat the new girlfriend badly too and do things behind her back? Why not be decent and end it now instead of stringing her along?
I hope your girlfriend runs for the hills snd your ex finds a decent man.

Those poor women

I would be led by your ex-W and what she wants to do. Having more of an involvement with you might stop her healing and being able to move on. I wouldn't even ask her about the holidays, meals etc necessarily in your shoes, as she might find it hard to say no even though having that much involvement with you mightn't be the best thing for her.

I think the arrangement you have now, at most, is probably healthiest for her.

There is no handbook for this

How about one of the hundreds of books on Amazon about co-parenting? www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=%22co-parenting%22&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

If your goals are more than co-parenting, I would say a PP is right and it's a 'have your cake and eat it' scenario, with you wanting the advantages of both family life and being single. Which I don't think is fair on either your ex or any girlfriend you have.

The best thing for your ex wife and your child would be your ex wife getting over you and becoming a happy person again. To really get over you she should have as little contact with you as possible, so only necessary arrangements or information that are about your daughter. Nothing else. She won't totally get over you if you try to be there to play happy families, that's just showing her what she is missing out on and that is very hurtful. It's over, take your distance. Don't be a dick by keeping on hurting her. Stop thinking about what you want.

OP It's something he's struggled with, although the reasons we split were his actions. He was in a relationship until recently. I would say that he is the one more upset about the breakup (despite as I said the reasons we're not together were things he did), so I do tend to try take my cue on what to do depending on what is appropriate in that respect. We also don't spend time together for the sake of spending time together, it's like an hours walk with the kids here and there, birthdays like I said, things like that. It does work fine for us right now but I know things will change if my relationship gets more serious or ex h finds a relationship that becomes serious. I don't know, we're trying right now to do what feels best for our children and it's working ok right now.

Your only option is the first one, the way you want it to be is unreasonable, and also short-sighted, what happens if your ex gets a new partner, the holidays would stop then anyway.

And no it’s not normal to be like that with your ex, I don’t think you’ll ever find a partner who is happy for you to go on holiday with your ex, or for you to pay for them to go better places than you take her.
You sound self-absorbed with what you want, what exactly would your partner be getting out of it? Its not exactly a good deal for her compared to a more balanced relationship.

For reference I am looking at it from both sides, I have 3 kids with my ex and my partner has 2 with his ex.

Hi @Miranda2001

How many nights a week does your DD stay with you right now? How does your current Gf react to this ?

Do you and your Gf live together ?