Advice wanted mums and girlfriends

[Miranda2001]

Hello,

I am a man and I felt this was the best place to gauge an opinion as I am rather torn.

I left my wife 2 years ago and we have subsequently divorced. I believe witnessing a death caused some form of crisis and I ended the marriage abruptly before seeing someone new.

However, we have a child together who is 11.

I am in a new relationship but Ex W isn’t and has never been. I have put her through a lot and feel guilty. I know she is still sad but has got a lot better over the past year.

Now my question. Although I couldn’t be a good husband, throughout the marriage and since then, I have always wanted to do my very best for my Ex W and daughter. I don’t want them to move out of the family home and I am happy to rent for another 10 years if needs be. It’s a lovely home and they deserve to enjoy it and the space it offers. Unlike some men who go off and start new lives and stick rigidly to the maintenence, I feel that they both deserve to remain in the lifestyle we shared as a family and I want to be there for them. Currently this leads me to compartmentalise my life which frankly is difficult as I can’t be seen texting my ex as o feel awful for doing so, even though we are talking about mundane practicalities

One of the issues is balancing my desire to be generous to ex W and maintaining a girlfriend. I have no intention to ever go back to that relationship, but i would like to enjoy a closer friendship with ex W than I do now. After all we were very close and have a general ease around each other. It’s just the attraction and physical element that wasn’t present and would never be again.

In an ideal world I would still like to take my ex w and daughter on holidays to give my daughter a family experience as we had some of the best holidays together and so many memories. At the moment I can’t do that otherwise the girlfriend would not stand for it, so instead i discreetly pay for them to go off on holidays every now and then to places better than I take my GF. I’d like to go out as a family for a meal or pop round the ex MILs house for dinner every now and then as we were also very close.

For various reasons my current relationship will not last so I have a choice ahead of me

1. move out of our current home and move closer to ex W and daughter so my daughter can pop round when mum gets fed up of her (or vice versa). Do the family holidays thing and the social aspect that I miss of our relationship but remain single

2. move closer and do all the above and hope to find a new partner one day who will be open and secure enough for me to do all the above

My question is two fold - for ex wives with children - is my wanting to do these things with the ex and daughter as part of a family Unit normal?

To girlfriends who are dating someone’s ex with a child - would you feel uncomfortable if your boyfriend was still attentive to their family?

How did you come to the conclusions you came to without asking your ex wife what she wanted? Isn’t what she wants crucial to this? What if she doesn’t want the family holidays anyway? Or if she does but you know it’s because she quietly hopes you’ll get back together? Would you go with it knowing that you’re leading her on? If so you’re guilt can’t be genuine and you don’t truthfully want the best for her.

It sounds like what you really want is basically to have an open affair, to have the family bits you like but also sex and a couple life with someone else.

Thank you all again. Sometimes you need a mirror held up.

I never saw it as having your cake and eating it. I guess I’ve always gone through life trying to please people and when you do that, often you please no-one. We have discussed me living closer and the benefits of my daughter being able to pop in after school or come over in the evenings if the Ex W wants to see her friends or whatever for a couple of hours.

With regards to going for meals, it may have come across as to be a regular thing. I was thinking more once a month just as a family unit. My ex W and I genuinely get I’m very well and it’s almost as free flowing as when we were together. We’ve never really argued and my daughter is very content and happy.

It’s likely my guilt is getting in the way here and trying to fill the void I left behind until she finds someone else to do these things. But point taken, not having a boundary will slow down this process for her.

I'm glad you seem to have taken what's been said on board (and graciously). I think if you have a good boundary then moving nearer could be beneficial. Get the balance right and it could be great. You can have your dd while your ex goes on dates and vice versa.

Living closer so your daughter can come round would be good, and also give your ex an opportunity to form a life for herself, regular hobby, going out with friends, dates etc which is probably the most positive thing you can do for her, besides enabling them to stay in the house.

I think you need to concentrate on your relationship with your daughter and accept that the three of you are not a family anymore.

If you date someone else it’s important to be honest with them about the relationship between the three of you, it’s not fair otherwise, but as I said before I don’t think many women would want to enter a relationship where their partner and his previous family go on holiday together, even dinner once a month would be too much for most, me included.

If you had a serious partner would she come on the holidays and diners too? Or is she to be excluded for the next four or more years?
You have to be realistic that it’s not a very attractive prospect.

If your ex is happy to continue the family unit as you want, and has no hopes of getting back together, then you may have to choose between that and a relationship.

Op, moving near is quite reasonable, and great for your child. With regards with meals together, I would say maybe keep it for special occasions. Once a month would be a bit much for a new partner. I also think you should discuss with your ex about what is reasonable for bith of you. Goodluck

I think where this is heading is that I move back to the area and be a father and then when the ex wife finds a new fella then I can look myself at finding someone and then we can both more forward without the meals and holidays. I really have nobody to thrash this out with so thanks ladies for your perspective. Of course any women embarking on a relationship with me should feel they are number one and not number three

OP it sounds as though you met someone else, moved out to shag her and then divorced.

as she doesn’t agree with her having dated me and living with me whilst I was still married, though I should add we only dated after I moved out of the family home

You had an affair, no matter how you try to paint it so no wonder your ex doesn't like your current partner.

This often happens when men think with their penis's rather than their heads. The shine is fading from the new relationship and you are looking back at the family life you had and didn't appreciate because you're really important, what with your career and need to bang the office admin.

Yes, move back to be nearer your daughter by all means and try to be a good dad. Let them continue to live in the house (sounds like you want people to applaud you for not making them homeless) and pay over the top 'guilt' money. While you look for your next lucky lady.

You're no longer in a family because you chose to walk away. However, that doesn't stop you from being a good father and parent. It doesn't stop you from being civil and considerate to your ex. Don't go on family holidays with them because it's just confusing. Take your daughter away on great holidays and focus on moving forward.

Just because your ex said she doesn't mind if you have a girlfriend, it doesn't mean she means it. Around my daughter's dad I act like I don't care, wish him well on dates etc. I still love him to death but can't tell him in fear of rejection. If my ex wanted to spend time together as a family, I'd think he'd be trying to reconcile, but that's only because it's what I want. If I didn't live him, I'd still be happy to spend time as a family. Irst I would ask your ex to be 100% certain, then I'd make it very clear to your ex that just because you want to spend time together, you definitely don't want to be with her etc.

It’s not fair to start a new relationship when you are obviously so invested in your ex wife. It’s absolutely fine and appropriate to want the best for your daughter- in fact it is absolutely lovely. However- it seems that you have yet to properly detach from your wife. You don’t have to be romantically in love with someone to be attached to them. You have unfinished business regarding the end of your marriage. No woman is going to feel “secure” enough to play second fiddle or to be handed crumbs by you while your ex gets the cake. (Again- this is not about your daughter- I’m referring to your relationship with your ex).

I think where this is heading is that I move back to the area and be a father and then when the ex wife finds a new fella then I can look myself at finding someone

Don't go over the edge into martyr there, OP . Have good boundaries. Be a good dad. Let your ex-wife live her life and live your own.

Have you considered that holidaying with your daughter on her own could be tons of fun and bonding?

I can’t answer the first question but I would never date a man who was not attentive to his child or acrimonious to his ex.

I'm in a kind of similar set up to what you desire. My kids are adults so family holidays aren't an issue but we have family meals and I occasionally go out for dinner with exh plus he sees my parents. My dp is fully aware and he is supporting his exw generously though no desire to socialise they do talk on the phone and he pops around to fix things sometimes. Having a good relationship with your ex is unusual so people get suspicious but it's perfectly possible. For your DD's sake living closer is better and it's essential any girlfriend gets your desire to support your ex. Btw you don't maintain a girlfriend, it's the 21st century, any woman worth having a relationship with pays her own way!

Get into therapy.

You sound like my ex. He thinks that he can pay his way out of his guilt.

You should move closer to your dd and focus on being a good Dad.

As for the holidays and meals, you are prolonging the split. Either date casually and do stuff with your ex (if she's up for it) or face facts and separate properly. Doing some stuff as a family unit could give false hope to your dd and ex. There will be events that have to be done together eg DD's wedding but that's not going to be a monthly event

Why didn’t you choose to live near your DD for all of these benefits to her for the last 2 years?

Why did you move away?

Have you offered your xW the opportunity for all 3 of you to go for dinner? Was this in fact refused by your xW or was the GF/OW the issue?

Has the MIL actually invited you for dinner?

You sound like you are yearning for the family life you abandoned rather than the individuals (DD, xW) within it.

Deluded, entitled and arrogant come to mind and a sniff of the grass wasn’t greener?

Have you considered the deep pain you have caused to your DD and xW?

Living near DD and building a great relationship with her is fine, but your relationship with exW is over.

On top of all of the previous comments about having your cake and eating it; consider that she might not actually want you in her social circle. I'm civil with my ex and I'm sure in his rise-tinted view that means that we're on good terms, but honestly I can't stand to be around him. I would feel massively uncomfortable going out for family dinners / holidays etc and there's a good chance your exW May feel the same. If she's happy to go on holiday with you, then she's not over you and is hoping to reconcile; and that's even more cruel.

You seem to think that the fact that you continue to support your ex wife financially means that you can just drop in whenever is convenient for you and that it somehow buys you the right to carry on as normal, pretend you are almost still together but can also have your cake and eat it by having a new girlfriend.
I'm afraid life doesn't work like that.
Your daughter is actually going to be more confused by you and your ex playing happy families while separated. I would be very surprised if your wife isn't hoping you'll get back together based on the current situation you've described.
I'm glad you haven't been an arse about money but could you really not just be single for a while? Let the dust settle before bringing a new girlfriend into the mix? It strikes me if you really cared about your ex and daughter as much as you say you wouldn't be jumping into a new relationship so soon and expecting everyone to give their blessing. That includes the new partner - if she has any integrity she won't want to put up with this for long.

I have always wanted to do my very best for my ExW and daughter.

You shattered their world and destabilized your child by abruptly leaving the family, moving away, and pursuing/partnering with this woman who resents your co-parenting.

If you had prioritized DD’s well-being, you would have stayed locally and helped her transition and establish a stable routine in both homes without the presence of a new GF.

It sounds like your relationship is going south and you are attracted to the family closeness that you previously rejected. You cannot have a ‘closer friendship’ with your exW. You have no right to sabotage her healing process.

Focus on moving back and being present for DD.