Reduced Fertility after Termination

[minibreakams]

I hope this isn't a trigger for anyone

I have been in a relationship for almost three years. Last year I became pregnant while on the pill and my boyfriend told me he didn't see himself ever having kids and didn't see a way we could move forward with me being pregnant at that time. I had a termination in November and needed a D&C after it. He has since been going to counselling and I have stood by him and supported him while we have discussed how he could want a child one day. Things have actually been good and while I have had some bad feelings about things, I became to be ok with the idea that maybe that just wasn't the right time for us

In the last few months since then I have had issues with my periods, being late, being late or being very heavy. Doctors tried to tell me that it was just my body trying to get back to normal but then a few weeks ago I had a very heavy clotty period. I was referred to a maternity hospital who were very good and helpful. I was given a hysteroscopy and told that I have some scarring on my uterus probably from the d&c at that time and to look at the possibility of needing surgery and I'm being referred on privately to a specialist. I have been very upset as I'm starting to learn how this could affect my fertility going forward. My doctor said I am now 'sub-fertile' but not infertile.

My partner has been very kind since learning this as he knows how upset I have been. We are in the process of beginning to buy a house together but I think I might need to end the relationship, at least for a while as he is just a reminder of what has happened. I know neither of us knew this would happen but I can't help but feel strangely towards him. No one else knows I had a termination apart from him so this isn't an issue I can go to friends/family about so I hope people don't mind me asking advice on here x

Perhaps separating for a while is a good idea. You've been supporting him...is he worth it

You'd be quite within your rights to decide that what happened changed your dynamics and it's now time to move on and start afresh.

I think you've already decided what's best for you.. you should follow your gut and put yourself first.
But I came here to say, I had issues after a termination, mine was dismissed for quite some tome and caused significant damage and I was classed infertile at 19 but I have a beautiful baby boy and another one the way.
I would recommend that you think about counselling to help you work through it all.. I buried my head in the sand and it came back to haunt me years later, especially if you try for children one day and it doesn't happen straight away. X

Fertility being affected following an abortion or d&c is an associated risk.
I think that personally, you agreed to an abortion because he didn't want children and continued to plan a life together , assuming you could make him change his perspective when he's been quite clear.
I suffered with infertility, and its gruellingly painful and I don't wish that on anyone. But you made a decision and this is the consequence.
As for your relationship, breaks seldom end positively. So you could find you separate and have aborted, ending up with nothing out of it.
You could also remain in the relationship and though he empathise, will never want a child. Are you willing to gamble that? I wouldn't because what would you do if pregnant a second time....

I’m subfertile (endometriosis) and have two children now, both spontaneous conception. It took time for sure, but subfertile is not the same as infertile. Tough phase for you OP - do what you need to do

He has since been going to counselling and I have stood by him and supported him while we have discussed how he could want a child one day

He's been having counselling?

Cool.

If he knew he absolutely didn't want kids he should have used a back up form if contraception. Or did he somehow only realise when faced with a pregnant gf. Funny how many men are like that.

It sounds like you might have proceeded with the pregnancy had he not said he doesn't want kids. So it's die mostly to him that you had the termination band now face sub fertility with him or any future partner. I would resent him for that bigtime if it were me.

Then if sounds like he still doesn't know if he wants kids - he long is he going to drag a decision on that out for? Long term? Long enough to affect your ease having kids by age as well as the scar tissue?

I'd cut my losses and find another partner who is not closed off to having kids for the foreseeable future or even permanently.

What you tend to find in these cases is they string one woman along til her fertility nearly runs out and then knock another woman up quickly afterward. Whether intentionally of not. And that woman is not as malleable/"reasonable" and tells him where to go when he implies abortion do he ends up with a child.

*how long

I’m not sure about your phrase “he couldn’t see a way we could move forwards with me being pregnant at that time”. Would he have ended the relationship if you’d decided to continue the pregnancy?

And if so, it sounds - to an extent - like an ultimatum. I think you are the one who needs love, help and support - in spades - yet you’ve been supporting him through counselling?

I’ve suffered fertility problems - I believe because an ex bf unknowingly gave me an STI. Even though this wasn’t his fault, I’ve felt hugely resentful towards him - even to this day (I haven’t spoken to him for years). I now have 2 beautiful children.

I wouldn't buy a house together if you want children and he doesn't. Depending on your age I wouldn't stay with him either. Counselling to see "how he would want a kid someday" sounds to me like bulkshit. No tgerapist is going to help him do something he doesn't want to do. Also, what are the guarantees that he will change his mind? I think you are wasting precious time here. Needing fertility treatments can take years. Don't waste it on a relationship that gas no future.

@SoloMummy that's a very cold comment

If surgery causes scarring/adhesions why have more surgery?

To be honest I'd never be able to forgive him. He could have had 9 months of counselling to prepare him to be a father

Also after a couple of years being in a relationship "big" issues like whether or not you want children should really have been discussed even just casually to see what page either of you was on

I'm sorry to jump in by one my biggest fears is low fertility after my termination, what is d&c please?

@Amijustagrump

It's french and is basically the surgical removal of the pregnancy as opposed to taking the pills you do at home

Thank you for explaining it to me xx

OP I'm so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you and my heart goes out to you

Thanks for the comments, both good and bad. I haven't ended it yet, I'm basically full of fear in case I'm throwing away someone actually good for me. I'm 32 for those wondering, partner is 36. Hes now saying hes open to trying IVF etc but I feel really bitter towards the past

I 100% agree with @GilbertMarkham

You need to have a seriously long and hard think about what you want

You’re 32, time is on your side to find someone new and start again if that’s what you want.

But there will come a time when your fertility naturally declines. Let alone with scarring issues

IVF is by no means a guarantee of a baby...it’s an extremely gruelling process and with slim chances dependent on your own specific situation. Do not pin all your hopes on this working and I say that as someone who’s gone through successful IVF.

If I was you, I’d also feel resentment towards him. You suggest that you’d have carried on with the pregnancy and only terminated because he convinced you. You’re now faced with the life long consequences of that, not him. Why he’s had counselling for it is laughable!

Consider speaking to someone IRL about this. A counsellor, friend or family. Whoever. But I think you need to speak to someone as well

Also, regarding the IVF - again you will be bearing the brunt of this, physically and emotionally.

Will he be injecting himself with hormones several times a day, undergoing several invasive procedures, experiencing lots of ‘lovely’ side effects, having to wait and wait and wait to see if it was successful, praying there’s a baby at the 8 week scan and praying it doesn’t end in miscarriage?

Or has he just got to do his business in a cup?

Sorry to be blunt but people throw ‘oh we can just do IVF’ like it’s getting a cup of coffee and I don’t want you to think it will be a walk in the park and get tied to this man only to be disappointed even further down the line!

Sending you nothing but hugs, hope and

I agree on the IVF front - I've been through 5 rounds of IVF and spent £35k so far. IVF isn't a miracle cure and most people require at least 3 cycles to have a baby - are you and him prepared for that financially, mentally and physically? Not to mention the resentment and disappointment that comes with repeated failure

It's laughable that 6 months after the termination he's now "open" to IVF - easy for him to say and even easier for him to suddenly decide half way through the process that he no longer wants to continue. What then?

Is he GOOD for you though as your last post implied?????????? No real partner worth his salt would have made the decision about termination largely for you. It should have been a decision you made together. And to be honest you should have been stronger about not going through with it if that's what you wanted - not aborting a baby just because he didn't want to be a father. Plenty of women go it alone these days.

Thanks everyone. Am going to end it later, have lined up somewhere else to stay. Just very nervous as I'm not sure what to say and I dont want to hurt him but I really feel hurt by everything

OP sorry to be blunt but I could not forgive a guy who made me abort my baby, let alone permanently affected my fertility.

How very noble of him to allow you to consider IVF but it sounds very carrot dangling to me sorry. Even if he meant it, what if he has another change of heart when you get pregnant? Convince you to abort again? Leg it and leave you to it?

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing ending if, you deserve better, he has already caused enough damage to your life. You are young and lovely, you will find someone who wants the same as you out of life. Big hug 💐

Awww love I really feel for you, I had an abortion and I know the terrible feelings of regret and resentment, we all make the choice that we thought was best at the time, you are still young enough to start again, and you aren't infertile, big hugs, stay strong xxx

@minibreakams

Thanks everyone. Am going to end it later, have lined up somewhere else to stay. Just very nervous as I'm not sure what to say and I dont want to hurt him but I really feel hurt by everything

Just tell the truth. It's been a traumatic experience with permanent consequences for you, it's changed your dynamics and how you feel, and you want a fresh start now.

“Just tell the truth. It's been a traumatic experience with permanent consequences for you, it's changed your dynamics and how you feel, and you want a fresh start now.”

This. He sounds very self-indulgent. It’s all about him, isn’t it? You are actually the one who had to undergo an abortion you did not particularly want and are now facing the possibility of reduced fertility and he’s been having counselling and you’ve been supporting him. Screw that.

I know numerous women who faced reduced fertility and went on to have DC in their late 30s/early 40s so I’m sure you will manage it with a partner who’s clear about wanting DC. But for now just concentrate on nurturing yourself and your recovery.