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Original poster

Reduced Fertility after Termination

48 replies

minibreakams · 20/06/2020 00:39

I hope this isn't a trigger for anyone

I have been in a relationship for almost three years. Last year I became pregnant while on the pill and my boyfriend told me he didn't see himself ever having kids and didn't see a way we could move forward with me being pregnant at that time. I had a termination in November and needed a D&C after it. He has since been going to counselling and I have stood by him and supported him while we have discussed how he could want a child one day. Things have actually been good and while I have had some bad feelings about things, I became to be ok with the idea that maybe that just wasn't the right time for us

In the last few months since then I have had issues with my periods, being late, being late or being very heavy. Doctors tried to tell me that it was just my body trying to get back to normal but then a few weeks ago I had a very heavy clotty period. I was referred to a maternity hospital who were very good and helpful. I was given a hysteroscopy and told that I have some scarring on my uterus probably from the d&c at that time and to look at the possibility of needing surgery and I'm being referred on privately to a specialist. I have been very upset as I'm starting to learn how this could affect my fertility going forward. My doctor said I am now 'sub-fertile' but not infertile.

My partner has been very kind since learning this as he knows how upset I have been. We are in the process of beginning to buy a house together but I think I might need to end the relationship, at least for a while as he is just a reminder of what has happened. I know neither of us knew this would happen but I can't help but feel strangely towards him. No one else knows I had a termination apart from him so this isn't an issue I can go to friends/family about so I hope people don't mind me asking advice on here x

OP posts:

Original poster

minibreakams · 04/07/2020 11:33

Last night I told him I needed a break and he begged me to stay, saying he didn't know what he would do and he would never forgive himself. I said how I am really damaged by how he has treated me and how he pushed me to do this. It's very hard because I really do love him and he has been crying all night and it's very upsetting but I really don't think I can see myself forgiving him. My feelings about the news we have gotten are tangled up with the relationship now

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 04/07/2020 12:09

No wonder he doesn't want to let you go, it's not easy to find a woman who'd go along with an abortion when you pressure them to have it, and then go along with supporting you, the person who didn't have it, with the aftermath. He needs a martyr and you've been one up til now.

GilbertMarkham · 04/07/2020 12:10

Crying all night?

FFS just confirms his preciousness, self indulgence and special snowflake-ness. Is he a really spoiled only child or you best child or something?

Original poster

minibreakams · 04/07/2020 12:13

@GilbertMarkham

Crying all night?

FFS just confirms his preciousness, self indulgence and special snowflake-ness. Is he a really spoiled only child or you best child or something?

No, quite the opposite, has almost no family so think he realises he needs someone in his life now and has realised too late he's messed things up.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 04/07/2020 12:14

*youngest child

Is he crying because you've been traumatised by an unwanted abortion, and now have to deal with reduced fertility, or is he crying for himself - as usual.

GilbertMarkham · 04/07/2020 12:26

He baulked, shat himself, freaked out, flaked etc. when faced with a pregnancy with a woman he'd been with for several years, not a short time. Decided he never wanted kids, conveniently, after having sex with presumably only one form of contraception for yonks. It sounds like you'd have had continued the pregnancy if he had given you the slightest ray of hope/encouragement.

It's very hard to respect his behaviour .. and that's even before the farce if going for counselling and looking for support from you in the aftermath, when you were the one who should have been supported.

Then he decided he might not be absolutely, totally and utterly against having kids .. again conveniently after the abortion, with no pregnancy on the table. Though he still doesn't even sound sure.

Do you know what all this tells me (having had a child a couple of years ago) .. that he would be a shit, flaky father.
It is incredibly hard going with a newborn, then baby, then toddler at times. You need a grafter, responsible, committed, unselfish, forebearing, supportive .. he really doesn't sound like any of those things.

GilbertMarkham · 04/07/2020 12:29

So even if he became enthusiastic about having kids, which you seem to want (most people do), I wouldn't be encouraging you to have them with him.

Original poster

minibreakams · 04/07/2020 12:30

I'm not trying to sound silly or soft, I think it's that I still have an emotional attachment and am finding it hard to let go even if it's not the right person. I guess it's a comfort and especially when he is the only one who knows everything we have been through. I know that I need to make a fresh start though and am annoyed with myself i'm finding it so hard and being so soft

OP posts:

Kiki275 · 04/07/2020 12:44

He's been having counselling?? What about you? You're the one who went through with it because of his total lack of support. Forget him, what about you?x

Original poster

minibreakams · 04/07/2020 12:47

@Kiki275

He's been having counselling?? What about you? You're the one who went through with it because of his total lack of support. Forget him, what about you?x

I had some counselling from the hospital, yes. The hospital have been very kind thankfully

OP posts:

LittleWing80 · 04/07/2020 13:02

What @GilbertMarkham said

OP regardless of everything else, he wouldn’t cope with a kid. You would be left to do it all on your own (and it’s so hard!) and have him mopping that you are not giving him enough attention.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a family. My advice is that the partnership has to be strong before kids arrive because however amazing having a baby is (nothing comes even close), it tests your relationship. You need a grown up man by your side. You deserve to be supported 💐

GilbertMarkham · 04/07/2020 13:16

am annoyed with myself i'm finding it so hard and being so soft

Op that is totally natural and understandable. It's hard to finish any relationship.

I just wonder how you could have a good relationship, with the massive resentment you must naturally feel at him flaking on you when you fell pregnant (and in long-term relationship at that) and (it sounds like) pushing for the termination ... And that's before even considering that you've know found out it's affected your fertility. That's huge, as of the termination wasn't enough.

Then there's his self indulgent behaviour, which you've been far too kind and self sacrificing in tolerating.

Then there's his ambivalence about having kids in future, it's not easy to trust that he'll follow through on wanting them and sticking with it.

You seem to want to end the relationship too.

It's still not an easy thing to do.

But attachment builds up over time and exposure, and it lessens over lack of those
And it can be built up with someone else.

mcmooberry · 04/07/2020 13:27

I honestly think you should see this through and split up with him. I know it's utter misery breaking up but at 31 and 35 (as you were then), an accidental pregnancy in a committed relationship shouldn't have been a disaster and I too would be concerned about him being good father material, never mind the resentment towards him you will feel if you fail to get pregnancy again.

SpillTheTeaa · 04/07/2020 13:52

This isn't about him. It's about you. This whole situation he has made about him. Trying to break up and he says he can't live without you. What about what you can't live with? What about your happiness? Put yourself first. I don't think you'll ever forgive him. Move away from him he is no good for you.

Mittens030869 · 04/07/2020 13:53

Last night I told him I needed a break and he begged me to stay, saying he didn't know what he would do and he would never forgive himself

That's emotional blackmail, OP, please don't fall for it. He's making himself the victim whereas you're the one that went through a termination you didn't want because he didn't want DC, leaving you with reduced fertility. But instead of him supporting you through all of it, as a decent partner should, you've been supporting him through counselling.

Re IVF, I went through this once. As a result of it, I discovered that I was completely infertile, which led my DH and me to go down the adoption route and we have 2 DDs of 11 and 8. But the process was so harrowing and that was with a very supportive DH, who I knew wanted DC as well. Going through it with a partner who has been flaky to say the least really isn't a good idea and you clearly know this. I suspect he's saying this because he knows that you want DC and he's saying what you want to hear so you won't leave him.

Sometimes it's simply a case of too much water under the bridge for a relationship to survive.

minibreakams1 · 02/10/2020 23:58

UPDATE.....

Hi guys,

I can't get access to my old login due to it being connected to my work account but I've created a new account. I ended the relationship at the end of July and have really struggled since. I've had a number of appointments and just feel very alone. The termination was ultimately what he really wanted and I massively regret it now due to my fertility now really struggling. I have been monitored since and I haven't ovulated or had a period since this. I find myself being really bitter towards him. We have tried to be friendly but part of me, this may sound petty, finds it very hard he gets to get on with life and start new relationships etc, and I have to deal with the medical appointments and the fall out of this,

I know he had no idea of knowing what would happen but I find myself so stressed towards him. He is trying to be a friend and I think I may just being staying friends with him for the attention or because I have attachment to him but everytime we speak I seem to get upset which isn't good for either of us. I just feel really lost, if I'm honest. I really think if we had the baby things could have worked out in a way

LilyWater · 03/10/2020 00:21

Really feel for you OP and you're certainly not alone. So many women sadly abort their babies based on what their boyfriends want. Unfortunately you chose a man over your baby and the consequences serve as a cautionary tale to others because many health professionals dont explain as much as they should, all the risks associated with abortions (never mind the emotional effects women experience). And when the physical or emotional effects are reported by women, they often proceed to downplay it as they all seem overly invested in not hearing anything negative about abortions.

It sounds like you were/are too emotionally dependent on him and he didnt sound truly committed to you at all. Well done on getting away from him!

minibreakams1 · 03/10/2020 00:28

I unfortunately still seem to be emotionally attached to him, we haven't been able to move on because I've had so many medical appointments and he has acted like a supportive friend but I'm not sure if this is simply becoming toxic now because I clearly have massive resentment towards him but yet some type of attachment

minibreakams1 · 03/10/2020 00:30

His argument was I messed up taking the pill, which is true and he wasn't planning on having kids so he was really thrown by me being sick and getting pregnant on the pill

ukgift2016 · 03/10/2020 01:48

It's nice how you been supporting him through counselling when it was his choice to persuade you to abort.. and now look at the consequences. You are both not even a young couple.

In your shoes, I wouldn't ever be able to forgive a man for making me infertile.

ukgift2016 · 03/10/2020 01:49

Saw your update, STOP talking to this man. You do realise you are making HIM feel better by doing this? Cut all contact.

minibreakams1 · 03/10/2020 10:55

@ukgift2016

Saw your update, STOP talking to this man. You do realise you are making HIM feel better by doing this? Cut all contact.

I think me staying in touch with him just involves me punishing him. I just end up snapping at him all the time, I think this has obviously affected my mental health

Woundedadmiral · 03/10/2020 11:05

couldn’t see a way we could move forwards with me being pregnant at that time”.

So he said he'd break up with you if you didn't have an abortion. Cleverly put. Of course, you could have not had the abortion, left him and he would have been obliged to do his bit regardless of how he felt about you or the relationship. So him seeing no way forward was about getting you to abort so he could keep the life he liked. Your wants and your right to choose what happened to your body were completely ironed out of the equation as he played on your desire not to have him break up with you (the only thaty he could use to make himself front and center of your decision making). Now you have suffered long term consequences from a decision made to please him and he is being 'very nice'. How good of him. He also managed to make your abortion all about him by needing counseling when you were probably the one needing the counseling.

This is not someone worth being with and you want very different things out of life.

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