I feel like I'm the only friend who pulls their weight

[raincheckrosemary]

I have friends but I feel like I'm the only person who actually listens, advises, reassures and gives opinions (when asked obviously). I'd drop anything if a pal needed me.

I feel like anytime I have an issue, my friends are nowhere to be seen and don't reciprocate literally any of what I do for them. I feel like they're very self involved but never say anything.

I genuinely don't have one friend I know I could phone right now if I needed them that would drop everything for me. How the hell do I stop this?

Hmm, you might be expecting too much.

I'd drop anything if a pal needed me

Not many people would do that, it's too easy to end up used. Maybe you are giving too much?

@AfterSchoolWorry maybe so! I was meaning more in an emergency sense. If I need something like someone to talk to, I don't know who I'd call, but I know I'd be there for my friends.

It's an odd feeling.

I have been where you are and it's a disheartening place to be. I would always have a friend's back and always be there if they needed me.

Anyway , like you it was pointed out to me that it wasn't necessarily reciprocated in my group of friends at that time. In my situation I do feel I was used a lot and eventually I did withdraw completely.

I have new friends but they are more equal relationships in that I give the same amount as I get , I don't over invest. I'm still honest and I still care about them but I have had to scale back my level of involvement, which is sad to me. I kind of like my idea of friendship better.

People have so much stress and pressure in their time it's just the way it is now . I had children very young as well so while my children are now older, friends my age have much younger, more dependent children .

I'm hoping when I get a bit older we all have more time for each other but by "managing my expectations" better, I feel at least as if I'm in an equal relationship. If any of that makes sense.

@WaitingForTheTurn79 i do understand. I'm in my early 20s and out of my friends, I'm the only one working full time and the rest are studying. So I don't know. I feel like I have more going on but I never say that.

I feel like I'm the only person who actually listens, advises, reassures and gives opinions

What you are describing is a counsellor or therapist, not a friend.

I want my friends to amuse me, not analyse me.

@Plusher I see you purposely missed out where I specified "(when asked)". I don't do it out the blue. I'm a listening ear and provide support, when asked.

You are young and friendship means something different to you than it does to me ( I am early 40s)

You have to work out if they are just giving a lot less to the friendship but you can adjust your expectations to meet where they are , if that makes any sense.

If they are being true friends but it's just you both have different expectations of friendship then you can work with that and keep them as a wider circle of friends while looking for one or two closer friendships to meet your needs.

Also , I was a people pleaser and I put myself out for others even when it didn't suit me or my family. I was wrong to do that and you need to look at yourself and see if you can identify that trait. I'm a lot happier since I became much less if a people pleaser .

Get rid of friends that don't reciprocate, as it's disrespectful of you and hurtful. Every time they don't respond it's a dent to your self-esteem. By ditching them you're stopping this and also showing respect for yourself.

A therapist told me to do an exercise of messaging people and seeing who messages you back, or phones etc reliably. Don't get in touch with the person a second time until they've replied to you. Do this for a couple of weeks and from who replies/reciprocates you can see who cares about you, and you can relax a little more about messaging these people. It is scary to try this exercise as you worry you'll end up with no friends, but you will end up with those that truly care about you.

And the ones that don't are a waste of your time and energy really.

I'm early 40s BTW and it's only in the last year I've done this stuff, age doesn't come into it and some people find it harder than others. I have autistic traits and ADHD (was only diagnosed with this in the last couple of years) and was bullied/rejected a lot throughout my life, so I always judged my worth by how many friends I had or failed to have. I never grew out of that and still have to work on it.

I'm trying to enjoy my own interests and to derive my own worth from these. This is healthier.

Being desperate for someone's friendship also leaves you open to abuse, as you'll put up with more than the average person would. I ended up in a very sticky situation due to a male 'friend'/ supposed FWB exploiting my desire to keep him as a friend or please him to make me do what he wanted.

Not many people would do that, it's too easy to end up used
Not necessarily true.
I could count probably... 6 people I could call right now who would drop everything for me.

I have 2 best friends who I know would be there no matter what and I would for them.
We've all helped each other through so much and continue to support each other.
These are fabulous, true friends.
What you have are not!

I know you don't describe quite the same situation but messaging etc is just one example.

But also you have to have boundaries (I hadn't even heard of this idea until recently.) As a PP said, don't drop everything for a friend, unless it's genuinely a mostly one-off emergency that doesn't happen regularly. Don't even think of it as something you do as a character trait. You have your own activities you have to do or times you need to rest etc. People actually respect you more if you don't do everything they want/be 'on call.' If you do that they'll take you for granted.

Also, what are these situations where you feel you might be desperate for a friend's help? Try and reduce these- seek professional help when you're in that situation etc, or support groups, whatever. Neediness or overreliance is like friendship B.O. I'm not saying you do rely on your friends too much, but there are always ways to improve. Self-reliance is a good trait, as after all it's not possible to control others' behaviour.

Reciprocity is important in friendship IMO. You can’t decide how much friends will ‘give’, but can decide what you do.

If one of the issues is that they talk mainly about themselves/their interests and concerns and don’t show interest in yours, and they don’t respond to hints (eg you raising subjects), would spend much less time with them! I don’t bother with people like that, unless am obligated to do so (eg SIL!)

Also, what do you mean ‘drop everything’? Do you just mean make time for a 15 min phone chat or (in normal times) a local meet up? If so then YANBU to want that from friends!

If you mean listen for many hours over days/weeks or travel the length of the country at short notice, that’s less reasonable!

you say you are working and they are students, are they also working so very busy? (Obviously in the lockdown things are very different!)

@Dozer just like for example if something bad happens I'm really not sure I have someone I know could talk to me for ten or even pick up the phone!

@TitianaTitsling nope, just studying

It too easy to become the counsellor, sounding board and general advice line for your friendship group. It's time consuming and emotionally draining. Also I've found they end up resenting you as they've told you far too much private information and you'll no longer be seen as someone to have fun with. Stop all non-reciprocated support right now. Don't waste the next 30 years passing tissues and helping out people who don't genuinely value you. Wish I'd had the insight that you have in my twenties. I'm 50 and I'm only just learning this lesson.

I’ve just ended a long friendship - because I couldn’t be there. I have a young baby, and my friend wanted long telephone conversations to discuss her issues. I stopped answering her calls - and her interpretation is that I’m not there for her.

I strongly feel that a friendship is not about what’s owed to you, or - if I do this for you, you should do this for me. It’s about respecting people’s ways - and loving them for who they are. It’s not about dependency and expectations.

Be proud that you are a giving person, that’s who you are - but not everyone is like this - or has the time to be like this!

Change your advice/support to signposting other (professional) support eg GP, counselling, good books about relationships, Freedom Programme etc

You’re still available to them but it’s less burdensome on you.

I may be out of kilter with others, but I feel friends should be there for comfort, not necessarily advice or answers. There’s a lot of value in simply providing a (virtual) hug and acknowledging that they are struggling and you don’t like to see them in that position. It doesn’t mean you have to get them out of the problem, that is infantilising and the fact you work and they study might reflect a pervasive subconscious perception that you’re more “adult” than them because of that.

Sometimes you have to stand back in friendships. Everybody is different I do believe some people are more giving than others in terms of going out of their way for others. In future don’t necessarily drop your plans for others if they won’t do it for you it’s only fair to yourself.

Friendships do become one sided otherwise and even friends can take advantage too.

I stopped answering her calls - and her interpretation is that I’m not there for her

Well, to be fair, if someone stopped answering my calls, my interpretation would also be they're not there for me too. Surely, if you wanted the friendship to continue, it would have been better to say "I'm sorry I don't have the [time/emotional bandwidth] to talk this through with you in depth right now, but if you want [to send me an email with it all I'll read and come back to you/we can meet up for coffee at x time/know I care about you and I'm sorry I can't be more supportive right now, could you talk about it with x?]".

Have you ever actually contacted these friends in times of difficulty and felt let down? If not, perhaps they might surprise you?

Studying at degree level was as hard as full time paid work for me!

Massively lowering expectations is the way to go here. I learned this one the hard way, now I give less and it has redressed the balance. I did lose a few friends initially when I pulled back but then they were never really friends in the first place. Much happier for it.

I think you need to take a step back OP. Have a think about your motivation and expectations.

Firstly, we shouldn't do something for others with the expectation that we will receive that back. We help others out because we want to, no other reason. It would be nice if they did the same for us, but we can't expect them to owe us anything.

Secondly, you see that you have given an awful lot and realise that you won't get the same back. That's a really powerful realisation and, instead of blaming others for that, perhaps it's an idea to reflect on how you came to be in this position. Is it a control issue for example? Do you need to be needed? Have you purposefully chosen people in your life who left you down?

Third, once you've had a think about that, perhaps work on how this dynamic will change in the future so you don't find yourself repeating this pattern.