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Original poster

Should I be with a man who is still married. And has no intention of ever marrying again

36 replies

Whatam1doing27 · 18/06/2020 22:57

Been together for 8yrs, he has not attempted divorce proceedings and says he will never marry again. Am I wasting my time?

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 18/06/2020 22:58

Depends what you want from the relationship?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2020 23:02

Depends why.

My parents didn't get divorced for about 8 years. She moved in, had a child, def no chance of getting back tovether but neither could be bothered to sort it, nor wanted to remarry so it wouldn't have been a red flag.

But

Do you want to marry?
Are there kids involved?
What's the situation with the house etc?

Bunnymumy · 18/06/2020 23:03

Are they definately separated?

Do you want to get married some day?

If you want kids then it would also arguably be better to be married first surely?

Depends what you want from life really.

WaitingForTheTurn79 · 18/06/2020 23:05

I wouldn't stand for the "not divorced"

I probably could live with the "doesn't want to get married" , but that's up to you . If you feel marriage is important then that is valid and important and non negotiable for you .

It depends what you want , what do you want?

villamariavintrapp · 18/06/2020 23:06

Depends what you want, but presume his wife would be his next of kin, if anything were to happen to him? She would be beneficiary for any pension? Does he have a will etc? Do they have children? Do you?

Persephonecall · 18/06/2020 23:08

Still married - very unreasonable.

Not yet married to you - depends if that is what you want.

chantico · 18/06/2020 23:13

Married to someone else is a bit of a problem as there can still be legal financial ties. Never buy a house jointly with someone who is married to someone else.

But never mind what he wants for the moment. What do you want?

category12 · 18/06/2020 23:15

I hope you don't share finances or assets with him or have children with him, while he's still legally married.

Do you want to marry?

SandyY2K · 18/06/2020 23:28

It would be helpful if you said whether you want to get married/have kids in your OP.

Even if you don't want either are you happy to live the rest of your life in a relationship with a man who is married to someone else?

OldWomanSaysThis · 19/06/2020 01:13

Does he stay married for financial reasons? He is being selfish - getting everything his way.
I have had these types hit on me - no intention of getting divorced, clearly not with wife anymore, they are looking for willing women to agree to the arrangement - I tell them to bite me.
"This is my boyfriend who is married to another lady...." it's just a bad headline.

Thisismytimetoshine · 19/06/2020 01:19

Am I wasting my time?
Yes. He's already married and wants to stay that way. 8 years!

NoMoreDickheads · 19/06/2020 01:22

That would depend how you feel about it. Some people would be on the same page as him and wouldn't mind.

It sounds like you're not happy about it.

If you want to get married to someone at some point then of course you're wasting your time, as he's made his feelings very clear. Sad Sad Sad

DisobedientHamster · 19/06/2020 01:31

Yes. No interest in wasting time establishing an actual relationship (not just casual or a fling with a separated person) with someone who's married to someone else and certainly not to live with or have a child with.

MummaofFurGirls · 19/06/2020 01:34

Can be difficult but my 33 year old brother is still married to his first wife, they separated when his girls were 5 and 3, they are now 15 and 13. He went onto have 2 more children D7&S5 (now aged), they did get engaged she tried for quite a while to help with him filing for a divorce but then went on to deceive him and break up the relationship by cheating. He has now moved on again, (engaged already) there daughter will be 1 in Sept 20 (yep 5 kids), she is already starting with the pressure to file for divorce, I actually thinks it is like a comfort blanket for him not to actually move on officially.

8 years is a very long time I think you guys need to have long chat on where you see your lives in 5 years, all the very best for your future.

Icanflyhigh · 19/06/2020 01:39

I was still married when I met DP, and I swore I'd never marry again - but I was in the process of getting divorced.

Fast forward 4 and a bit years, I'm divorced and should have married DP last weekend, but we've had to postpone.

If you're sure he's 'the one' push him to divorce.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2020 01:41

@Icanflyhigh

I was still married when I met DP, and I swore I'd never marry again - but I was in the process of getting divorced.

Fast forward 4 and a bit years, I'm divorced and should have married DP last weekend, but we've had to postpone.

If you're sure he's 'the one' push him to divorce.

Very similar to me. I was very separated and not divorced. I didn't want to marry again. Within months of meeting DH I was divorced and note the DH for the rest of the story.

8 years, it's not happening and he doesn't want it too.

ArriettyJones · 19/06/2020 01:52

Has he got a will? Do you live together? Are you named beneficiary on his pensions and insurance policies? This could be a horrible mess if he were to be unlucky and die suddenly.

D3l1v3ryDayDHLll · 19/06/2020 09:27

He is still legally linked to his wife
Is he financially linked too ?

First part of divorce costs about £500
He could start the ball rolling

He could sort out the financial side of things later

You have the choice to stay or leave the relationship

PicsInRed · 19/06/2020 09:46

@Whatam1doing27

Been together for 8yrs, he has not attempted divorce proceedings and says he will never marry again. Am I wasting my time?
He doesn't need to married again...as he is already married. He is married right now and not to you.

Why has he remained married? These guys are either hung up on the ex or are controlling (i.e. don't want to financially settle and allow the "ex" to romantically move on) - or both.

Tldr: yeah, it's a waste of time.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/06/2020 10:49

I am still married to my exh but with someone else.

We separated 2.5 years ago with the intention of divorcing after 2 years but neither of us has pursued it yet. I don't have the spare money and don't see why I should pay financially for him having an affair when I have already paid heavily emotionally.

I don't want to get married again (neither does bf as he is recently divorced) so for me it's not a problem. If my bf was very bothered by it I might start proceedings but on the other hand, I wouldn't be pressured into it as he knew the situation when we got together.

There are other reasons for me not being divorced yet (house/kids situation mostly) so I don't want to rock what for me is a steady boat over a piece of paper. Me and my ex are now at a good place with each other.

SimonJT · 19/06/2020 10:56

It depends on the situation I guess. A friend is Egyptian and her husband is Polish, they married in Egypt but didn’t register the marriage in Poland (who have odd rules regarding citizens getting married having to then register their marriage in Poland, actually, I have no idea if other countries do this).

They split up well over ten years ago, as the husband is Polish only he can register it, without it being registered they couldn’t get divorced in the UK. She also hasn’t seen him for a long time and doesn’t know where he lives. She gave up trying to sort it as not only was it stressful it was getting too expensive.

BluebellForest836 · 19/06/2020 11:13

Well it depends if you want to get married.

I’d personally tell him he needs to at least divorce for you to remain together even if you won’t get married after.

dottiedodah · 19/06/2020 11:21

I would be unhappy with this kind of set up TBH. Whatever the situation between the two of you ,he is being very unfair and also as PP pointed out she is his next of kin ,and will benefit from his pension if anything (God Forbid) were to happen to him .Why doesnt he want to ? You need to talk to him and see what he says

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/06/2020 11:27

Presumably you're happy as you are otherwise you wouldn't have stayed for 8 years.

I'd want marriage before kids though.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2020 11:32

As others have said, this really depends on your situations.
Do you have DC of your own? Does he?
Do you have your own property? Does he?
It took me 5 years to divorce my ExH.
I know I'd never marry again. I have my own assets and pension etc... and want all of that to go to my DD. Marriage can complicate that.
How old are you both?