Beginning to hate/resent DH

[Sleepyquest]

We have not been married very long but have been together quite a few years and now have a baby who is a few months old. Without going into all the reasons why I find him to be a selfish, arrogant prick - is it normal to start to dislike your husband after you have had a baby? I thought we'd be all loved up but I hate the way he speaks to her sometimes and I hate that I do nearly everything for her because 'I'm not at work' when he only works about 8 hours a week himself.

I thought he'd be a great dad but actually he is so lazy. He's been raising his voice to her since she was a week old and it makes my blood boil so we argue about that constantly too.

We were absolutely fine until DD came along and I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything but I don't know why our relationship is failing so badly.
Anyone else been in this position?

He raised his voice to a week old baby? He would be out the door for that alone.

Yep always being really stern. I got my FIL to talk to him in the end and it got better. He reckoned he was just being old school so she would learn but it pisses me off even thinking about it.
He'd be ssssshing her really loudly and I'd be shouting at him to stop. This still happens tbh. She has seen as argue so much

I'm sorry. I remember vividly the day we brought our first born home and my partner called me a stupid bitch in front of the baby. We separated years ago and the baby is now a teenager, but something in me and in our relationship died in that moment. Some men can only be good partners for the high days and holidays when virtually nothing is required of them

The example you are setting and will set for your child is horrific. She will grow up thinking this abuse and dysfunction is normal. End your marriage and move on.

It's quite natural to feel intense anger to someone who raises their voice to a newborn, and who thinks he can just opt out of parenting.

He does swear at me a lot and says I treat him like a child which I do a bit because he acts like one. I constantly have to remind him of everything. I'm sick of having to remember everything for 3 people. I don't mind for me and the baby but that's where I draw the line - I have one child not two!!

Oh no @Aquamarine1029 don't say that!!!! I really don't mean for it to happen, I'm trying to help her but at the same time I get really worked up.

Don't say what? The truth? Your daughter is living in an abusive household.

Ooh no, your feelings are normal and healthy and he’s being fucking out of order. He “thinks she’ll learn” does her? She’s a few weeks old! Has he met a baby before?

I’m so sorry he’s being like this. You’re naturally wanting to protect and defend the innocent vulnerable baby who you nurtured and grew for 9 months. How you’re feeling is to be expected. How he is behaving is not.

I’d be sorely tempted to tell him if he chooses not to moderate his frustrations and behave like a parent instead of a bully he gets the fuck out tonight and stays elsewhere.

He's shushing a newborn?? What the hell does he think that will achieve?!

You need to have a proper chat with him OP and be crystal clear about how unhappy you are and how unacceptable his behaviour is. If he doesn't sort himself out you know what you have to do...

There is nothing here worth saving. If he can be verbally abusive to an innocent baby, imagine how he will talk to a tantrumming toddler of a child who is tired and playing up.

Make plans to leave OP.

I know!!! I kept saying 'she doesn't understand, she's not going to stop, she's crying for a reason!'

And you know what it's like you're tired and stressed from the night feeds and the pain and I would lose my rag with him.

Why does he only work 8 hours a week? He sounds like a complete prick.

And I do wonder how he will cope when she's screaming for the most ridiculous reasons when she's a toddler. It stresses me out big time

Ahh the 8 hours thing is a corona virus thing at the mo. Not a permanent thing

I'm sorry OP for what you're going through. I am nearly 8 years down the line from you. Now at the point where I feel like I'm losing the plot as mine is an absolute nightmare to parent with. You know in your gut this is not right. X

This isn't looking good. But if you want to give him another chance, you give him a stack of resources on babies, toddlers and children and tell him to study. Then you tell him that when it comes to babies, you are the expert and what you say goes until he has proved he can be a decent parent.

And if he's only working 8 hours a week, he can do a cool 45% of the housework, so if he doesn't do that, bin him off. You and your baby don't need that in your lives. He steps up or he ships out.

I think you need to get rid of him now.

He’s shown his true colours. Anyone who thinks shouting at a baby and thinking “she will learn” (learn what??) is beyond help or changing tbh.

And even without this, the laziness would be enough.

My exH told DS he was "slithering about like some kind of reptile" when he was trying to get down from a high level bed, and shouted at him for being afraid of going down a hill at high speed on the back of his dad's bike, and then called him a "tit" on another occasion. He defended himself by saying "I was being ironic". DS was under 8 on all of these occasions, I don't think he understood irony. A part of my relationship dies every time he abused DS in this way and I divorced him. Couldn't bear to look at him.

Men can be a bit rubbish in the first year in my experience. They can check out a bit and be very unsure how to care for the baby so end up doing it all wrong. This also builds up huge resentment. In my experience it gets better when the baby has gone past the constant food/sleep and starts to be a little person. At that point you can also be smug that the baby only wants you because you are the one who has cared for them, and dh will see that and be regretful and try to make up for it.

I do think any aggression on either of your parts needs to stop though. I would sign up to some gentle parenting sites and discuss parenting styles more explicitly

I think tiredness and hormones play out to make you feel allsorts after having a baby. If you have the misfortune to marry a manchild that can't cope with not being adored every minute of the day because your attention is elsewhere then i feel sorry for you. Been there, now divorced, which actually plays out nicely to these people because they can have zero responsibility, but all the adoration from their children and get their egos stroked by other women/men/whatever floats their boat, again with no responsibility.

And I do wonder how he will cope when she's screaming for the most ridiculous reasons when she's a toddler. It stresses me out big time

Why on earth would you give him years to continue abusing your child?

Why on earth would you give him years to continue abusing your child

That. OP your baby's brain is being formed and right from the word go she is being programmed at a very deep level that men= abusers. It is so damaging to grow up in this kind of environment. It shapes your whole life.

I know it's hard but please walk away if he won't accept he needs to do a lot to change. It is abuse and it will damage your dd. And of course you dislike your dp. His behaviour is disgusting. She's a young baby. She shouldn't be hearing raised voices.

I thought he'd be a great dad but actually he is so lazy

This is such a common story! I said this on another thread but men often like the idea of children as part of the ‘successful family man package’ but they don’t take too well to it in reality. And women are left holding it all together. It’s not worth the risk in my opinion.

I wouldn’t leave your baby alone with him and plan your exit strategy.