Beginning to hate/resent DH

[Sleepyquest]

We have not been married very long but have been together quite a few years and now have a baby who is a few months old. Without going into all the reasons why I find him to be a selfish, arrogant prick - is it normal to start to dislike your husband after you have had a baby? I thought we'd be all loved up but I hate the way he speaks to her sometimes and I hate that I do nearly everything for her because 'I'm not at work' when he only works about 8 hours a week himself.

I thought he'd be a great dad but actually he is so lazy. He's been raising his voice to her since she was a week old and it makes my blood boil so we argue about that constantly too.

We were absolutely fine until DD came along and I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything but I don't know why our relationship is failing so badly.
Anyone else been in this position?

OP, only you know how bad it is but the combination of 2 months lockdown and a newborn is no small feat to deal with. That said, if he's not pulling his weight, plus home more, I'd give him what for. Looking after the baby isn't your sole responsibility, so I'd tell him his fortune there. He needs to be supporting you more, and if he's been home more, there really isn't any good excuse.

If he's screaming at the baby and swearing at you, I'd get short on patience with that very quickly though.

If he is raising his voice to a vulnerable baby, I'd have real concerns about him. He's got no patience, and until he learns some, I would make sure he's supervised at all times. In terms of the laziness, I get it. I ended my relationship my my ex when our son was 16 months old for the same reason. I didn't notice how little he brought to the table until then.

Did he pull his weight before the baby?

The laziness is one thing, but his abusive behaviour and behaviour towards your DD would concern me more.

I couldn't and wouldn't want him near the baby.... I'd be telling him to buck up hi ideas or we're done....and I'd mean it.

What did he want he /expect her to learn?

This is all very concerning.

He works 8 hours A WEEK and is abusive towards you and his daughter?

I advise you never leave him alone with your baby, I would worry with his lack of paitience and empathy.

My ex husband was abusive to me however he never directed his abuse at our daughter. I would left a lot sooner if that was the case. Put your child first.

The people here saying men take a while to adjust to having a baby.. yes. But that isn't what OP described.

Shouting at a baby is completely unacceptable.

You tell him one time "you ever do that again and we are done". And mean it.

It is only going to get worse if you let him bully you into accepting his abuse.

Start planning how to end it. Is there somewhere you can go? Make a plan.

It would be ultimatum time. Don't raise your voice to the baby again (!!) and grow up in every way. Or he'd be out the door. Sounds a delightful man anyway..

Take it as a huge red flag op. Don't wait to give him a proper ultimatum and please mean it. Your child deserves so much better.

I've started listing dh's unreasonable behaviour in preparation for divorce and one of the things he did was shout at our 7 week old because she was cryiny instead of drinking the milk I'd expressed for dh to feed her so I could sleep - I took her from him and never expressed again, I never quite trusted him with her either, that got worse and worse. My mum has tols me recently she was terrified he'd shake dd because he got so angry. He never did, thank god.

Dd is almost 3.5 years old now and despite several 'serious talks' and one 'final ultimatum', his behaviour is still totally based on his emotions/needs/wants, he upsets one or both of us willy nilly and is never sorry.

I kept giving him more and more chances but enough is enough and I'm not going to give him the opportunity to upset us any more. I want dd to know you don't have to take whatever shit people want to throw at you and be a strong woman.

I'm now barely speaking to dh, not including him in any plans with dd and quietly 'getting my ducks in a row' whilst trying to figure out how to get him out of our house.

He sounds bloody awful. What’s the point in him?
You’d find it all easier on your own without the stress of him mistreating your DD.

It’s a classic case of once you have a baby you don’t want to be married to one.
My STBXH was also beyond useless when our dc’s were little. I never forgave him for one incident, I hadn’t had a shower in days when our DD was a couple of weeks old.
She was happy as long as she was being helped but screamed every time she was put down.
I asked him to hold her whilst I was having a shower for 5 mins. The min I got in the shower I heard her screaming, he had immediately put her down in a pram and was pushing it not looking at her - he looked at me and said ‘she needs to learn’ I absolutely hated him in that moment.
We are now divorcing

Have you got some secret money squirrelled away just in case ?
How do you think he would react if you asked him to split up ?
You need to keep you and baby safe, and have somewhere to go.
This is about having a plan in place if you need it, not that you would necessarily go through with it.

I hate that I do nearly everything for her because 'I'm not at work' when he only works about 8 hours a week himself

I find it incredible that you BOTH thought it was a good idea bringing a child into this world....when neither of you has a job!
8 hours???? That isn't even proper part time!

I adore my husband but got ' the rage ' with him after I had all three of our children. He never shouted at them. It's almost a primal thing where you are so intent on protecting your baby. Also he didn't have boobs so couldn't do night feeds and slept well which made me so irrationally angry!

Oh no @Aquamarine1029 don't say that!!!!
But that is what WILL happen.
It's called the 'cycle of abuse' - have a google and get yourself educated.
Then the fuck away from this vile human being as fast as possible.
Your poor DD!

Maybe try some marriage guidance counselling as his reaction to parenthood is pitiful. If he doesn't engage I'd seriously rethink my marriage. Make sure it's sorted before you have another child.

If he's getting angry at a more or less new born imagine the toddler stage.
When they cry and have tantrums.

You can't wait for that. You need to sort this now.

Can people please read the thread? He's working fewer hours because of lockdown.

I would be concerned about leaving the baby with him as well. Some men seem to think they can "discipline" a baby like a dog or something. Thankfully you know this is wrong. When our first DC was born I was breastfeeding, DH would do some cooking, cleaning etc and get up and comfort her during the night if she wouldn't settle. He's got a cheek saying you are off work so can do all the work when he is only working 8 hours a week. He should be running about after you.

I imagine he does not do this behaviour when visitors or family are about. Perhaps only in your presence. He knows right from wrong and chooses his moments. It is manipulative behaviour in an intimate relationship. See what efforts he makes to learn about parenting. Actions speak louder than words. If he is prepared to be a passive parent whilst at the same time use aggressive words to the Mum of his child and his child. He would need to be put out. good luck