Is he making it obvious he doesnt like me??

[krkw]

I've just got out of a pretty bad emotionally abusive relationship where I've been flat out told I'm not attractive and no one will want me and 90% I completely believe this. I've been talking to someone for about 10 month and been on a few dates but I cant read him at all. I've told him how i feel and all i get back is that he likes me and any time I say the conversation onto more then chat that you would have with a friend he completely blanks it. When I started getting feelings we both said we wouldnt be looking elsewhere to see where this would go but it's not going anywhere and we are more like mates. When I'm struggling I dont feel like I can talk to him and it's making me feel quite alone and like hes wasting my time. What should I do??

when I say just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, it ended a few month before I started talking to this other guy.

Ditch him. You've been through enough without seeing another guy who isn't 100%. Work on your own self-worth for a while instead of looking for it from a man. You are wanted and desirable and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I think you’ve answered your own question, OP. He’s wasting your time. And you’re not in the right headspace to have good judgement if you’re just out of an abusive situation.

He might like you - but he's still an emotionally lazy headfuck.

You don't need to be left guessing and having your confidence eroded further.

@anotherdisaster

Ditch him. You've been through enough without seeing another guy who isn't 100%. Work on your own self-worth for a while instead of looking for it from a man. You are wanted and desirable and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I know I have to work on myself and I have been trying but I dont even know where to start. This new guy knows I've got low confidance and when I said I didnt think he found me attractive (I have reasons for thinking it) he didnt say he did so I'm guessing he doesnt. He knows what my ex said and how damaging it was too so he definately isnt helping me with my self worth.

You should be with someone who makes you feel great. This guy doesn’t. Onwards and upwards.

Step away from dating immediately OP.

I wouldn't spend 10 minutes on someone like this let alone 10 months.

Check out the Freedom program, get some new hobbies (easier said than done right now I know) and start to really value yourself before you even think of dating.

Could just be a lower level version of what you've already experienced. Deliberately cold and not letting you know where you stand.

Or he just wants friendship but has the emotional range of a teaspoon and fasbt cottoned on that he is makibg you feel messed about.

I think you should step away from this. It isnt healthy.

After an abusive relationship it's really wise to be single for a while anyway. To re establish boundaries.

He's not wasting your time, you are. Taking responsibility and acknowledging that the power to let this one go is all in your hands will empower you.

*hasnt

@FlurryKnox

I think you’ve answered your own question, OP. He’s wasting your time. And you’re not in the right headspace to have good judgement if you’re just out of an abusive situation.

it's a hard pill to swallow but it has been a year since me and my ex split and I'm completely over him (he broke me then left me for someone younger, skinny and smarter as he so nicely told me) I dont think il ever fix the damage so if I plan on waiting to undo my exs damage before I try move on il never move on.

I don't know what's up with him but I know he isn't making you feel good. So walk away. Other people will be more compatible with you and spending time with them will make you happy.

This man isn't for you , you need someone who is honest about who he is and how he feels about you, and who is willing to be intimate emotionally as well as physically. This isn't too much to expect to be happening at ten months . It sounds like maybe your new bf doesn't have a great deal of emotional intelligence and although he doesn't sound as if he is at all abusive or cruel to you he is unable to give you what you need.

As for your ex. I have heard similar things said to people who are attractive and/or great people. Sometimes the cruellest things can be said for reasons that are unfathomable to you . I have known people to put down partners in order to lower their self esteem just so they would stay .

Consider taking the time to work on your confidence and self esteem before starting another relationship. No one can ever tell you what you are or aren't worth . You are worth being treated well and with respect.

Working on yourself can take ages. It takes a lifetime for some. Some never even start, or realise it would be a good idea.

So, in the meantime, when you meet potential new romances, you could use this quick and easy question: Do I feel great when I'm with/thinking about this person.

If it's 'yes', stay with them. Anything that makes you feel great is THE RIGHT ANSWER (unless it's an addiction)

If it's 'no', leave. You don't need a reason. You don't even need to understand why, for yourself. Just listen to your feelings.

You might find that this solves your need to work on yourself, too.

So. Do you feel great with this guy?

I dont think il ever fix the damage so if I plan on waiting to undo my exs damage before I try move on il never move on.

But the only guys you'll find while your self-esteem is so battered are losers, users and abusers who will drag you down further. Surely it's better to be alone a bit longer than set yourself up for more of the same?

What have you done to overcome the effects of the abuse? Perhaps we can suggest options you haven't tried.

OP moving on doesn't necessarily mean hooking up again though. You can move on while remaining single.

I just don't get the big hurry. Are you trying to find someone to love you so that you can feel better about yourself? So you can undo in your head the hurtful things he said? Because it doesnt work like that.

You gotta learn to care about, respect and essentially love yourself first. Because otherwise -any man will, at best, just be like putting a plaster on a wound that still has the glass in it. And at worst, be a shark who smelled the blood and is looking for a bite to eat.

the only guys you'll find while your self-esteem is so battered are losers, users and abusers who will drag you down further.

What she said. If you dislike yourself, you're never going to attract a decent man, you'll just keep on giving off that "wounded" signal that attracts predators.

I understand. It feels terrifying to be fussy. It feels like if you have high standards, that men just won't bother trying. But... its a lie. Its not true. If you have good self-esteem, and know your own worth, you attract decent men without even realising it.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship OP. At 10 months, you should be completely sure that the guy is into you - it should be amazing, and nothing less. If it isn't you should get the strength to walk away. You should think - it's him, not you, and you deserve better.

Take the power and walk away! You'll feel better.

And yes, loving is about putting yourself first. Don't take any rubbish. Someone who doesn't make you feel amazing, who doesn't treat you with respect, isn't worth your time.

@Eckhart

Working on yourself can take ages. It takes a lifetime for some. Some never even start, or realise it would be a good idea.

So, in the meantime, when you meet potential new romances, you could use this quick and easy question: Do I feel great when I'm with/thinking about this person.

If it's 'yes', stay with them. Anything that makes you feel great is THE RIGHT ANSWER (unless it's an addiction)

If it's 'no', leave. You don't need a reason. You don't even need to understand why, for yourself. Just listen to your feelings.

You might find that this solves your need to work on yourself, too.

So. Do you feel great with this guy?

That is such a reasonable way of looking at it but I've never sat back and thought about it like this. He can give me the silent treatment quite alot and that for me is unbearable because I just overthink about what I've done wrong or if hes just moved on or had enough of me. I used to love seeing his name pop up on my phone but I'm starting to feel quite nonchalant about it because I know it's not going to be anything I'd like to hear and just boring "how are you?" "hows your day going?" but it's like hes asking but I know he doeant care about my answer. The truth is what I have with him does nothing but cause me hurt and confusion now.

@category12

I dont think il ever fix the damage so if I plan on waiting to undo my exs damage before I try move on il never move on.

But the only guys you'll find while your self-esteem is so battered are losers, users and abusers who will drag you down further. Surely it's better to be alone a bit longer than set yourself up for more of the same?

What have you done to overcome the effects of the abuse? Perhaps we can suggest options you haven't tried.

I've spoke to my dr about 8 month and I'm getting help but they rang to say the help that hasnt even started is being put off for another year. I read alot of articles on emotional abuse and I have a good understanding of how it happened and why and its effects but I dont know how to undo the damage. it sounds so ridiculous and vain but I cant loom in a mirror without bursting kntok tears and I've just came to hate how ok look and how I am and I can reason all the articles I like to understand but I dont know how to fix it.

I dont want anyone to pick me up and put me together because it will just fall apart when he moves on. I know I have to work kn myself and have my own back but I do still want someone that at least makes me feel like he attracted and enjoys being with me. Damage aside I think that every relationship should have that?

So, you can just tell him that it's not working for you anymore, and leave him behind. And that's that. Immediately, you are behaving like a person with high self esteem. That will raise your self esteem. That will actually be 'working on yourself'. Demonstrate to yourself that you are a person who doesn't put up with shit behaviour.

Even if you had done things wrong, the silent treatment is never the right response. He's demonstrating to you that he's a crap communicator (at best), and nobody wants to be in a relationship with a crap communicator.

How about trying the Freedom Programme? freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

It's specialised help for people who have been through domestic abuse. There is an online course, but the groups are better - I think they do virtual groups at the moment (I believe there's a poster on here who is doing it currently).

It might also be worth speaking to local domestic abuse services to see if they have programmes or support to help you recover.

I'm really sorry to hear about your abusive relationship OP. You need to do some work on yourself.

Have a think about what you're like when you're into someone. Do you behave like this man and, if not, what is his behaviour telling you? That's right - he's not into you.

I suggest you put dating on hold for the time being and work on your self esteem. Therapy, the Freedom Programme, reading, exercise, mindfulness, eating well. Focus all that energy you're currently expending on this man on yourself. Make yourself your next project.

You can find a therapist at BACP.
Freedom Programme
How to raise your self esteem

Women's Aid have some helpful resources here as well: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/surviving-after-abuse/