Is he making it obvious he doesnt like me??

[krkw]

I've just got out of a pretty bad emotionally abusive relationship where I've been flat out told I'm not attractive and no one will want me and 90% I completely believe this. I've been talking to someone for about 10 month and been on a few dates but I cant read him at all. I've told him how i feel and all i get back is that he likes me and any time I say the conversation onto more then chat that you would have with a friend he completely blanks it. When I started getting feelings we both said we wouldnt be looking elsewhere to see where this would go but it's not going anywhere and we are more like mates. When I'm struggling I dont feel like I can talk to him and it's making me feel quite alone and like hes wasting my time. What should I do??

I think your boundaries need work , ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment are all ways of ignoring your boundaries . It's not just about pushing pushed to do things that you don't want to, either morally, emotionally or physically.

You need a set of rules and behaviours that are non negotiable. I think you've allowed yourself to feel uncomfortable and blamed yourself for feeling that way , when really your instincts have been trying to protect you and give you the heads up that this man isn't for you?

You don't have to fix yourself, OP. You're not broken.

All you have to do is realise it. You're not broken.

There's nothing extra special about you that makes you more rubbish than anyone else. You've got faults like the rest of us, but also, I'm willing to bet that quite a large part of you is an absolute gem. Otherwise you wouldn't be concerning yourself so much about what you might have done wrong. You might feel like you believe 90% that nobody will find you attractive, but there's a little bit of you inside, sitting sulking in a corner, saying 'But this isn't fair, because I'm really nice!'

Isn't there?

The thing is op, it isnt ok for ppl to give the silent treatment. It isnt normal or acceptable behaviour.

Self esteem ect is a battle in itself and lifelong...but have you learned how to spot red flags in the way others treat you?

That is vitally important after an abusive relationship to learn what is not ok and not excusable. To learn to leave at the first sign of unacceptable treatment.

That's what you need to work on and be strong with before dating again after having an abusive ex.

It should all be happy and easy at the start of a relationship. If it's not then move on.

When I'm struggling I dont feel like I can talk to him and it's making me feel quite alone and like hes wasting my time. What should I do??

Bin! You know that. You don't need anyone's permission. xxx

This is another abuser. He deliberately doesn't say things you would expect a boyfriend/man you're kind of seeing to say, such as that he finds you attractive. He withholds affection and contact etc.

I dont think il ever fix the damage so if I plan on waiting to undo my exs damage before I try move on il never move on.

You have moved on. You don't need a man to move on. Letting go of the idea that you have to/are supposed to have a man is one of the crucial steps. If they think you need them, they can treat you like shit.

What do you enjoy doing or want to do? Do more of it. A decent man is one of the decorations on the cake of life. The cake, icing, and other decorations are your own pleasurable activities and ways you enjoy spending your time. I'm watching this video on how to find what you enjoy doing etc.

Are you on medication? It is evidenced based. If you are, perhaps they can consider changing the dose or trying something different- contact your GP/consultant again and let them know how you're feeling. There are loads of things they can try.

You could also look into the Freedom Programme, www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ local facilitators are doing various stuff on Zoom, mine is doing the Own My Life course, you might like that too. www.ownmylifecourse.org/

You don't have to fix yourself, OP. You're not broken.

All you have to do is realise it. You're not broken. @Eckhart

This literally has me in tears because even knowing what he did I feel like hes broke me so I'm less of a person for it. Even just being able to cry in my own home is a luxury that I clearly doknt take for granted now lol my ex would either mock me or get angry and shout at me if I got upset. Then when I learnt to not get upset or show any emotion he then told me I was dead inside.

Ten months??? 🧐🙈 What a waste of time. I had moved in with my OH after that long. Too long to decide if you're an item!

Oh OP I've been there. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive and left me without a scrap of self-esteem. The next guy I dated was a perfectly nice bloke but I clung to that much longer than I should have without there ever being any real spark or signs of commitment from him. It eventually imploded as you can imagine and I went right back to square 1.

If after this long you're not getting anything back from him then save your own time and sanity and move along.

I promise it gets better; after my divorce I had a rocky road of dating losers & idiots until I took some real time off to rebuild myself and then bang just when I was finally really happy on my own DP strolled in to the pub and swept me off my feet. Look after yourself first, the rest will follow x

That sounds shit, krkw and I'm not surprised it's taking some time to heal. You're bruised and in pain, but that's normal. That's how you're meant to feel when someone has treated you like shit. That's a sign that you're functioning properly, not a sign that you're wrecked.

Think of it like a physical wound. A healthy person isn't someone with unbreakable bones and un-cut-able skin. It's a person who looks after themselves when they've got hurt, who accepts there's damage, and that they're going to need to go easy for a bit. They don't put themselves in situations where they might risk making the injury worse by sustaining further damage.

So, you're emotionally beat up. Step away from the risk of more pain. Only do things that are gentle on you, and things that make you feel gentle.

This is about you being nice to you.

Do you think being friends without the uncertainty of what's going on would be a good idea? we are pretty much friends now anyway but stuck in limbo. Just saying we are friends and that's all it will be will help me feel like I have some control over what's happening and know where I stand. Or is this a bad idea?

If he will let you.
It may be that he wants to keep you in limbo.

Otherwise, yeah, why not. As long as whatever he says doesnt change your resolve to just be friends.

That being said...if you like him as something more then staying friends might not be wise. Arguably, you cant be friends if you have...those sort of feelings there.

Would a friendship with him add to your happiness? Or do you think he'd be a bit shit as a mate?

He doesn't treat you with respect. If he did, you'd feel good with him.

Your control over the situation is to walk away from him. Where you stand is where you choose to stand. He doesn't get to treat you badly and then decide your status.

I think just being friends would be a weight off my shoulders and I'd get the good parts without all the bad parts. I get nothing from him that you would expect from a partner anyway but not knowing is what hurts.

Realistically tho, you'll be wondering if it's going to turn into something else, won't you? It won't actually take away the uncertainty. It's a half-measure that will still have you twisting yourself up in knots.

And is he really good material for a friend? A friend values your time and is interested in you and wants the best for you - do you think he fits any of those criteria?

Maybe you'll find it easier to be objective about the way a friend treats you.

If he is a shitty mate then hopefully you just won't tolerate it.

For me, I think it would be a good step for rebuilding your self-worth to go, "actually, no, i don't need someone like this in my life, someone who gives me the silent treatment, someone who isn't consistent." Because you don't.

You need to surround yourself with radiators, not drains, as someone on here says.

A few months after an abusive relationship is absolutely nothing. It takes years to undo that stuff, but it will happen. Freedom programme would be a good start, and read some books like “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.

You know this is not a good new relationship for you. You told him of your insecurities and he’s playing on them. That’s enough to know. Tbh I wouldn’t tell straight away another time, but abusers can also spot these things a mile off.

I spent years not talking about it so now I am it's like I have no filter and I'm brutally honest in talking about it. It helps me but maybe I need to learn from this and be a little careful who I share it with

Yeh it's never wise to share with new guys about past abuse too soon. As it can make you look like an easy target.

I think it’s time to ask whether your FWB or in an actual relationship. He shouldn’t be messing you around, if you don’t get a straight answer then don’t bother OP 💐

OP, you need to step away from dating and this man in particular. He brings nothing to your life. He drains you. Dont let him.

In future, dont tell people about your past abuse. Simply say things didnt work out due to circumstances and leave it at that. Dont telegraph your victimhood to potential abusers.

Seriously look at doing The Freedom Program and reading ‘Why Does He Do that?’ by Lindy Bancroft.

I don’t think he sounds like a nice friend. You tell him your struggling and he ignores you.

That Is not a friend.

If you put him in the friend box, do you think he will be a positive addition to your life?

Agree. He is killing time when he talks to you.

You're not ready for another relationship. Have counselling instead

What happens to your self esteem when you're single, @krkw?