My husband has three personalities

[WashedUpDriedOut]

I'd say 80% of the time, dh is a great guy. Fun, generous, loving.

However, once or twice a year, he becomes almost manic in his jollity. He's over the top FunFunFun and it's quite wearing. Lots of loud singing, dancing about, rash spending of money, accelerated sex drive.

It is quite alarming although it sounds like fun. This might last a week or two.

This ott jolly episode might be followed by a couple of weeks of a really nasty personality.

Quick to anger at nothing, utterly irrational and verbally nasty. Or the nasty personality might emerge without having even preceded by the jolly one.

When he is in either of these two alternative modes, I can't get through to him. Nor can the dcs.

Then these episodes subside and it's back to normal again for ages. I've tried diarising them fo establish a pattern and there isn't really apart from sometimes the nasty persona comes immediately after the ultra jolly one.

I think he has some sort of personality disorder. I'd like him (us?) to visit a psychiatrist but he's baulking at the cost of a private one and the waiting list for an NHS one is very long.

It's unnerving for us to witness this switch of personality. He can't really remember how he's behaved and apologises for anything he's said or done.

He does a he thinks he's "mad" and always has been.

It's been a tough year. We've moved house, he lost his job and a parent. He's now employed again and all seems steady for now. And the jolly and nasty persona emerged for longer than usual over the last six months.

Do you think he should see a psychiatrist or should I just leave it?

Personality disorders are pervasive, global disorders, they don't switch on and off. What you're describing sounds more like a mood disorder.

Could it not be a form of bipolar? Are there any triggers before the manic episodes?

It could be bipolar disorder but would clearly need diagnosing by a psychiatrist and not via mumsnet

I'm not looking for a diagnosis.

I am wondering if I should push the psychiatrist route.

Could be something like bipolar, but I wonder does he take any drugs ? You may not know if he does but sometimes when people take certain drugs they can have a feeling of euphoria for a while followed by the horrible ‘come down’ .. probably isn’t that but just throwing it out there x

Oh yes. He takes an anti depressant called escitilopram. 10mgs.

@washedUpDriedOut i suppose it depends how frequent and how disruptive the manic episodes are

If DH is putting himself or others in danger during these episodes then it would definitely be worth perusing a diagnosis and treatment

Definitely push the psychiatrist route. You can't spend your life wondering when these challenging/exhausting/scary/upsetting versions of your spouse are going to appear, and it's not fair to expect you to put up with them either. Also, it sounds miserable for him.

I'd pay to go private if you possibly can.

You don't mention DC, but if you don't have any yet i would be doubling down on contraception until you have a professional diagnosis and plan, as the stress and change of a newborn could be a huge trigger, and you could easily end up in a very unhappy, unsafe position.

But no recreational drugs. He doesn't drink much at all either. He's started smoking roll ups as his new job is quite intense. Classy, I know. 😃

*Persuing

Going the NHS route will be a long wait but by starting it now at least you are in the waiting period and not in the waiting to get onto the waiting period of that makes sense.
Get the ball rolling with that and in meantime maybe explain it to the doctor and see if there might be an anxiety med he could go on in meantime.

Is there any change to his sleep patterns? Diet or exercise in the lead up to the episodes?

I only ask because my grandad had episodes of mania and aggressiveness and we were convinced it was his dementia progressing. Turned out to be a recurring water infection.

Yes, push the psychiatrist route.

At the same time sign up for counselling for yourself. It can be debilitating living with someone who has these episodes. You can easily become totally absorbed in fixing his mental health and then one day you wake up and realise yours is destroyed and it feels wrong to consider your own needs.

Agree it sounds like bipolar. Unless his meds arent agreeing with him.

From what I've seen of personality disorders, behaviour changes in an instant. You would never get 2 happy weeks and then 2 grumpy ones. More like 2 happy hours... although that's me mostly thinking of the cluster b ones. I dunno if it's different for the other types.

With a personality disorder people's moods change very quickly and it's part of their personality, whereas bipolar is episodic and the person is 'their normal' the rest of the time.

If the periods last a few weeks it's more like bipolar (which I have) than a personality disorder. Irritability can be part of the episodes, and as the person comes down it changes.

Does he have episodes of depression which last weeks or months? (These can be years apart with bipolar or even only have happened once or twice in a person's life.)

As well as the length of episodes, the other key difference between bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder or traits of BPD (which I have) is the mood swings in BPD are more of a swift response to clear incidents, stressful events etc. Stress can trigger bipolar too, but in my exprience it is more prolonged stress, and of course the person stays longer in an episode.

People with Borderline PD also don't tend to have highs, they have what appears to be highs if they're in a good phase because the rest of the time they are not inwardly happy if you see what I mean.

But we can't diagnose him with anything- he needs to see his GP if he admits he has a problem. You need to have a chat about it with him.

He should see his GP and get on the list for an appointment. How long people wait depends partly on the severity/urgency which the GP etc think it warrants- if need be they can see people within days.

As you say he's doing ok at the moment there's no hurry.

If he gets on the waiting list and gets an appt, if he gets worse in the meantime you can speak to the GP/consultant again and get the appt. brought forward.

Yes definitely push him to go to a psychiatrist. It’s not fair on you and especially your kids, it will damage them and they will internalise his behaviour.

Does he ever stop taking his escitalopram? And does that coincide with the mood swings?

He definitely needs some sort of further assessment

Some antidepressants can make bipolar symptoms worse, he really should talk to his GP about this. (source - bipolar friend)

Are you sure he doesn't take recreational drugs? Could he be hiding them from you?

My sister has bipolar. She has type 2. Her manic is being able to clean up loads and do loads of things with lots of energy. But never once has she suddenly turned nasty after being manic and certainly not for days. I wish people wouldn't make diagnoses on here, it's a dangerous notion. Please see professionals for advice.

Doesn't he want to have it looked into? If he's apologetic afterwards, but can't remember, it sounds like he's accepting responsibility to some extent.

If it was me, I'd want it checked into.

I knew someone with bipolar (not saying it's that) he'd have a few high days, very happy, chatty, energetic and getting jobs done, and then he would have down days and hide away. If you feel you should pursue a diagnosis/explanation for these mood changes then you need to try and speak to him about it as it's going to be a delicate subject.

Not sure anyone has “diagnosed” anything - it’s not unreasonable to say with caveats: “sounds a bit like x - but go see a professional” like you would say if someone had any other range of physical symptoms.

However it’s important to note that these episodes are having an impact on you and your DCs (and DH) all year long as you are on tender hooks watching and waiting and probably adapting to see what triggers another episode etc. And maybe untreated / unmanaged the condition could get worse over time - the behaviours during manic more risky - the behaviours in the trough period more dark and become frequent and intense.

Get him to a psych - your diary log might be of help to him. And as PP have said make sure that you and your DCs have awareness, openness and support.

of course you take the psychiatrist route.

Your husband sounds bipolar. Which could end disastrously if not treated and could also be a super bad combination with the meds he takes.

Get some help quicker rather then later op

Definitely seek professional help.
He has nothing to lose

When my ex Not so DH has similar we went to the GP who referred us for as assessment for bipolar on the Nhs we were seen quickly and he was diagnosed with a personality disorder.