Thoughts on people who don't use politeness strategies

[Macisbacktoday]

I have a male friend who I'm finding increasingly annoying because he rarely uses words like please, thanks or sorry. For example, if he cancels plans, he'll just text 'can't make it tonight' rather than 'sorry. I need to cancel, can we rearrange' or similar. If he wants help with something, it usually comes as a statement, e.g. 'you can help me wallpaper at the weekend' rather than 'can you help me ...'.

For a long time it didn't bother me because I just thought he was a bit socially inept. Then I noticed that he does very occasionally say sorry or thanks. So now it feels like he is actually choosing to not be polite most of the time. I''m after some thoughts on whether I'm just being over sensitive or whether other people would also be irritated by this before I tell him it makes me feel a bit rubbish.

If he wants help with something, it usually comes as a statement, e.g. 'you can help me wallpaper at the weekend' rather than 'can you help me ...'.

The correct response to that is "good luck with that, you rude arse" or "oh can I? How nice for me". Did you in fact wallpaper when he said that?

Next time he wants help with something and doesn't say please, just respond with what I always used to say to my dc:

"What's the magic word?"

Op you ask ' am I being sensitive about it' that doesn't matter even if you are.

You want/ believe people should be respectful. So if he doesn't have the manner you want tell him to jog on.

Why are you comprising? Or accepting this.
Let him accept that you want respect and a man with manners.

Is he British? Some foreigners are more direct.

Isthisfinallyit he is British although he has lived in at least 2 other European countries, although for no more than 3 or 4 years each. And all his family are in the UK.

He sounds entitled rather than rude or socially inadequate. What would he do if you just replied 'no'? Treat him with the exact civility he treats you and see if he notices.

Maybe he is socially inept.

You know what makes people learn to be socially aware? Feeling the impact of their ineptitude. If you are protecting him, don't. Be rude back. Say no just because you didn't like the way you were asked and be willing to say so. Like you would do with a child.

Do you comply with his commands? If someone sent me that message I'd send something like 'and you can learn to speak to me with a little respect' as a response.

I have a friend like this. She had sociopathic tendencies. She has absolutely no “niceness” and doesn’t do polite or chitchat. She can be rude and comes across as entitled.

However she doesn’t see any problem with someone being as direct/rude straight back to her. So I’d just give as good as you get and see what happens.

In this case the magic word is "No thankyou".

Sometimes if you're overly polite in your responses if give's them a hint to step up.

If these continued I think I'd treat them the same or stop being friends.

I'm going to be in the minority here but I bloody hate tone policing. My ex (verbally abusive) used to constantly use 'my tone' as a reason for not doing things i had asked of him. I even trained myself to say please/thanks/sorry at every opportunity to keep him and my mother pleased despite being a 36 yo adult. I now get told that I sound sarcastic when I say it.

I'd far rather someone just asked for what they want and don't waste my time with all the pissing around with extra words.

So I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it, some people communicate differently.

His words and manners are just one big clue that he disrespects you .... what about his actions - what are they telling you?

How often does he cancel? With how much notice and for what reason? Does he then take responsibility for rearranging and following through?

What other jobs/favours does he request/demand? Is it reciprocated? Do you have an easy friendship where you help each other out equally?

Some cultures don’t use please and thank you in the same way but he doesn’t seem to have that excuse. Seems pretty rude to me.

I blame Alexa

I would start by saying, I've noticed that you very rarely say sorry, please or thank you. Is there a reason for that? Wait to hear what he says and only tell him that it bothers you if he asks. Otherwise leave it hanging and Back away a bit to see if he changes.

If he tries to deflect the question, then wait until he does it again before saying you haven't said sorry again and it's really starting to be a problem for me. If he doesn't apologise and start to change then, give up and ltb, otherwise you'll be in a parent role which is crap for both of you.

Is he just rude only in how he speaks or is he rude in how he behaves? Would he help you in a pinch without quibbling and adding a notch on a virtual score card for help in return?

Just to answer some of the questions above. Sometimes I say no to his 'requests', it depends on how willing i am to do it but I've never called him out on his rudeness. I noticed that i'd started to get a bit passive aggressive in my responses so I've tried to stop that and be very factual along the lines of 'no I can't help you wallpaper because I'm going away this weekend'. I'd definitely be more willing to help him out if he was more polite in his requests.

I've tried modelling politeness but he never seems to notice that there is a difference in our manners.

Gutterton he doesn't cancel often but he did it a couple of times at short notice and when I pointed out i could have been doing something else instead it was clear that he hadn't considered things from my perspective. Last time he cancelled on me he did give me more notice and come up with an excuse.

FourTeaFallOut you have made me realise that I rarely ask him for favours / help. This is mainly because I have other friends that I'd prefer to ask but a couple of times he just hasn't got back to me when i've asked him to do something and once he created such a song and dance about helping me move something that it put me off asking again.

So when you asked him once to move something he created a real song and dance about it, that it has put you off asking him again!!

He is a very rude one-way street.

Do not let the entitled prick take the absolute Michael out of you again.

Wow ignorant, unfair and disrespectful in actions and words.

This is who he is. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Don’t waste your breath, headspace, time, emotional energy trying to change him.

He is not your friend.

Why do you think he is?

I hope that you kick this drain to the kerb and immerse yourself in the other radiant, kind, fun and mutually respectful friends that you have in your life.

Is he hot? Because I can't see my reason you'd put up with this.

Any

Sounds completely unequal friendship. If it’s worth it to you then talk to him about it. If not, then drop him sharpish - he’s not treating you well at all.

Also never heard of basic good manners being called ‘politeness strategies’ - that makes it sound calculated and false and manipulative ! It’s just common courtesy And fellow respect isnt it ?