Coping with unhappy marriage while I bide my time

[LydiaAmbrose1]

I’m looking for advice from people who have been through the same or are currently going through it. My marriage is miserable- there’s no respect, no affection and everyday involves him huffing, puffing, being miserable and taking his bad moods out on me. He says I’m over sensitive. I say he’s a control freak. He’s always nit picking and life’s too short to put up with this forever. We have two very young children and for reasons I won’t go into at the mo, leaving at the moment is difficult. I need to bide my time, line up my ducks etc and put things in place. In the meantime, how do I cope being stuck in this marriage? Normally I’d visit family, friends, get out and about but none of that is really possible at the moment. When the kids are in bed, we each do our own thing already. His mood dictates the mood of this house. Has anyone else found any coping strategies? I’m a sponge for others emotions so it’s really difficult right now. Any practical advice would be really appreciated

I haven't been through this so don't know what it's like but are you able to learn to cut yourself off emotionally from him? Ignore his moods and pretend they're not happening? I guess this will be a lot easier than it sounds but would definitely help you if he no longer had any affect on you. I'm sure someone else will be along soon and will have some much better advice than me

Google the ‘grey rock’ method - basically, in his presence you make no engagement with him, though you speak enough for day to day communication needs. It’s good as a short-term self-preservative, but it’s a bad model of relationships for your DC so the sooner you can move on the better. Best of luck

I've found reminding myself that the time I have to keep coping with him is limited helps. And focusing on what I need to resolve before then. I no longer want to fix things, I'm done. I no longer have to try and make things better or try and reach him. I'm keeping a journal on my password protected phone, both to minimise the gaslighting he can do, to vent and to remind myself how toxic and unfixable our relationship is if I waver.

Thank you all. I’ve googled the grey rock thing and I think I’d already subconsciously started to do that. I’m going to give it a try though and see if it helps. I’ve checked out emotionally from him as he won’t ever see the error of his ways. Whenever I think maybe we can work through it, he goes and says something or does something that I’d asked him not to do. He’s either stupid to keep making the same mistakes or has no respect for how it makes me feel. I’m done too. He will never give me the love and care I need and deserve. I’m treated like a child and not trusted to do anything. It’s no way to live and I just can’t do it anymore

Going through similar OP. I'm trying to ignore but it seems to wind him up more. Two young kids too. Worried about them and the atmosphere. I'm afraid I'm damaging them by not leaving but I have no job now (laid off), no family nearby and nowhere to go. Feel stuck and in a barrel waiting for the next barrage of complaints and moans about how crap I am.

geekatheart your situation sounds just like mine. Two young children, no job as I’ve moved around supporting his career and now I’m nowhere near my family and friends. I’ve got no support and I feel truly trapped. I should be enjoying these early years with my children, but he’s ruined it all for me. It’s been so miserable living with someone who criticises the way I do everything. Looking forward to the day we’re free

Is there any way you and @geekatheart can go and stay with parents/friends/family til you get back on your feet? As a mother I would happily help my daughter out of that situation, including driving a van down to collect daughter, gc and ‘stuff‘. Worth asking? If not at least perhaps phone a solicitor and find out what your rights are if you divorce, and then review/plan.

@goody2shooz I can't really go to my folks as they are several hours drive away and shielding, so I'd not be able to stay there with the kids without worrying. I think I may have to find a solicitor.
Really struggling. He's trying to make out I'm crazy and the root of all the problems. He gets angry because I'm ... (fill in the gaps, it changes quite often). Ever moving goalposts posts, won't speak when cross, silent treatment, telling me I have no real friends. I've had to start again with friends as I moved here to be with him and lost close contact with some from where I'm from. Kids, life, meant we sisal but not massively often. I've built up a new network but a lot are wives of his mates, or his family so it's hard. Just want someone to tell me I'm not going crazy.

@LydiaAmbrose1 that's my situation exactly. He seems to go out of his way to make me feel worthless some days. Then there's amazing weeks where everything is good. Then it's back to constant criticism. Walking on egg shells. Can't bite back at his digs or I get the "pmt hormonal imbalance" shit thrown at me. I probably am imbalanced now just by having to deal with the "never knowing what today will bring" situation. It's horrid.

@LydiaAmbrose1 what are your coping strategies? Do you ignore it? Or fight back? I can't win here. I was talking to a school mum friend on the phone (only one who knows what's going on) and heard me and he's gone mental that I'm talking to her and started yelling I should go and sort my hormone problems first. I'm apparently too sensitive and can't take criticism. The worst thing is... you sit there and think .. am I?? Doubting yourself is awful. I never used to be like this.

Its not you, its him.

If you have not already contacted Womens Aid I would suggest you do so asap. Another organisation I would urge you to call is the Rights of Women because they can also give legal advice.

What you are describing here is abusive behaviour and the nice/nasty cycle of abuse (your comment, "He seems to go out of his way to make me feel worthless some days. Then there's amazing weeks where everything is good. Then it's back to constant criticism" is this totally) is a continuous one.

Your children will indeed pick up on this and its no legacy to leave them. No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

There are no coping strategies I can give you that will work out; your only real option is to get away from your abuser and asap. If he is abusing you he is in turn abusing your children because they are and will pick up on all this within the home. Its not your fault or theirs that this man has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Such men too hate women, all of them.

I did for a good chunk of time. The right advice of course is to leave but it’s not always practical with young children.

For me, the grey rock helped me but mostly the work on myself. Constantly day dreaming about what my life will be like afterwards down to the smallest details from looking up houses, researching finances etc. Basically getting organised and prepared.
Working on self confidence through mindfulness (because control freaks make you stay by draining you of your self confidence).
You will be alright, remember you are stronger than you think. Big hug 💐

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat
I think finances is a big thing for me, we have a very complicated financial situation at the minute, not helped by covid...and I keep thinking things will get better..

Thanks @LittleWing80 I think I used to be so confident, now I second guess myself constantly

Do you have your own bedroom, and if not, can you move your things into a room of your own?

I think I used to be so confident, now I second guess myself constantly

I know and that’s exactly what they want. That’s where the grey rock helps. Your emotions are valid, you are not over sensitive. For now, you just need to redirect them elsewhere, your mum, your friends,.... To him, show him you don’t care and in your head think about how good it will be when you are rid of him.
Even if 10/15 minutes a day, do some mindfulness meditation, there is plenty free on youtube.
You might not be able to see it now, but I promise you, you are strong 🤗.

I'm sleeping in with kids. I'd hate to share with him anymore. I doubt myself a lot too, he's made me feel completely worthless and blame for everything. The thing that made me realise I can't do this anymore was realising how close I was to a break down, my kids need me not to be broken. I still struggle with feeling to blame for everything, but now my metal response is that it doesn't matter if it is me, our relationship is toxic and I can't be in it anymore. I can't let him back in again because it would destroy me completely and for my kids sake I can't let that happen.

Writing down what happened straight after it happened helps there too as I now have a list of proof I can read back and think yes his behaviour is wrong. My emotions still get tied in knots by what he says but I can go back to my list and see that even if I'm to blame his behaviour is still unacceptable. I know it would be better to be able to let go of the way he's made me feel and think that he's in the wrong and abusive, but I'm not there yet. I have so little self worth it's hard to make that leap to its him.

I'm ill and can't work, but the biggest barrier for me is that he'll probably go for 50/50, so I'm trying to get supports in place for our SEN kids including a diagnosis for one, so he can access support. I can't afford that on my own. Not in UK. I know our SEN boys will struggle away from me. 50/50 is very common here and he's done nothing overt that would harm his ability to get a significant portion of time with our boys. And I know people will tell me he won't go for that, but a friend with a similar but worse Ex has just had that exact scenario happen to her.

My coping strategies were wine and chocolate. Also I went to bed early, half eightish and we would come up at 10, if be fast asleep and then get up at 5 to do a couple of hours of jobs before he gets up. Just keep the peace for the sake of your kids, good luck

Doesn't help in lockdown but I used to plan to be out as much as I could. I didn't have kids but used to work late (shortens the evening).

At the weekend I would go out for long cycles - he used to be comatose drinking a lot of the time.

I got used to being talked at or shouted at and would literally tune out. 'Yes dear I totally agree with you'.

But don't spend the rest of your life like this - it's miserable. Use the time to work out how to leave and how to escape.

Thank you all so so much! It honestly helps to have people to talk to. I’m about 2 hours away from family and there’s not much room with parents. It would mess up school plans and be such a tight squeeze with me and the 2 kids in one room so it doesn’t really feel like an option. I haven’t even told them what’s going on this time to avoid worrying them. Same with friends. My friends are all still living in the area I grew up in and I daren’t confide in them again as I’ve been here many times before. As for coping strategies, we sleep in separate beds and, as soon as the kids are in bed, we each do our own thing for the evening. It’s all come to a head this evening and I’ve said I’m leaving. I’ve emailed two estate agents about viewing properties so I’ll see what they say. I don’t even know if viewings are allowed. It just all feels so stressful. We own a house together which I would rather he stayed in for a few reasons. If he stays, it can be done up to sell. It’s easier to do that if me and the kids aren’t here. Hoping Universal Credit will disregard the capital in this house until it’s sold, but I haven’t made a claim for UC yet. There’s so much to sort. I’m going to have nothing... no washing machine, beds for the kids... nothing. And no family near by to help. Even if they were near, they probably couldn’t help. Why did all this have to come to a head during covid. I’ve got an uphill battle ahead 😔

I agree with others. Get hold of Women’s Aid and start getting your finances and any paperwork together. It’s really no way to live.

Could you find an Air b&b near your parents as a stop gap ? Then you could have some space to yourself and have them nearby. I think anyone with holiday accommodation empty would be happy for a long let of a month or so.

You’ll find there is a heap of help out there if you know where to look. Also... you may also find that your parents and friends have an inkling of what’s going on. I’ve had so much help from some friends... I’ve been bowled over by their kindness.

Viewings are allowed! Most estate agents are doing video tours of houses and flats, and you can sometimes see them if they’re empty. I’ve been put in touch with a local Lions charity that supplies furniture, or Local FB pages have stuff going cheap. Or Freecycle.

All I can say is this time together can feel like an eternity but before you know it you are away from him.
Lock down is easing and it won't be long before you can get out more. How long were you together?

Hang in there. Ive been through this and it isnt easy to get free but you will get there. I never regretted it. Whatever financial or practical hurdles i met along the way, i coped. Never regretted it. Grey rock is the way to go. It is pountless to win any point now, pointless to make a point, pointless to defend yrslf, pointless to try and make him see . He will never see. Making you responsible for his negative emotions is his coping mechanism. It's a good one.