Coping with unhappy marriage while I bide my time

[LydiaAmbrose1]

I’m looking for advice from people who have been through the same or are currently going through it. My marriage is miserable- there’s no respect, no affection and everyday involves him huffing, puffing, being miserable and taking his bad moods out on me. He says I’m over sensitive. I say he’s a control freak. He’s always nit picking and life’s too short to put up with this forever. We have two very young children and for reasons I won’t go into at the mo, leaving at the moment is difficult. I need to bide my time, line up my ducks etc and put things in place. In the meantime, how do I cope being stuck in this marriage? Normally I’d visit family, friends, get out and about but none of that is really possible at the moment. When the kids are in bed, we each do our own thing already. His mood dictates the mood of this house. Has anyone else found any coping strategies? I’m a sponge for others emotions so it’s really difficult right now. Any practical advice would be really appreciated

Don’t overthink it. Just get the property sorted and then you can sort out a washing machine. Some rentals come with washing machines. Find a furnished or part furnished place? Some rental agents can sort that for you. Everything can be sorted. Just get yourself out although if you aren’t working then it might be easier for him to leaveas you’ll need to prove you can afford the rent? Unless you have somebody who can lend you the money?

Anyone know about if leaving the marital home harms your case with divorce at all? I have a couple of divorced friends and the one things they both said was don't leave the home, he has to go. They said it made a difference to the money they got afterwards? Anyone know?
I'm same OP, no furniture, nothing. It's pretty scary. I think all of you guys who have done this are brave. Wish I could think more positively, all I can see at the minute are the impossibilities of moving out. But he would refuse to go, I know he would. I would have to wait until divorce was sorted and the house sold for him to move out.

I've seen that on here geekatheart. Something to do with the fact you're housed which can be used to argue you don't need as much to meet your needs to secure housing. It doesn't matter in the country I live in AFAIK.

Thanks @OfWitchesAndWonder I'm in the uk.. wonder if it's true here..

If you’re a homeowner (your name is on the deed), you will struggle to access help if you leave) that’s my understanding. You need a free consultation with a family solicitor.
If you have or can afford nowhere to go, the best route would be to start the divorce petition first whilst still both living in the same house (unless he agrees to leave). If there is abuse, you can request an order from the court to force him to leave.
Use your free consultation and ring woman’s aid. Even if you don’t act on the advice straight away at least you have the information

I'm too currently at the end of my tether with dh and it makes no difference any more whether he does anything nice or not, I just feel numb. I realise now that he is who he is and will never be the person I want him to be because that's totally different! But he's furloughed, has an upcoming meeting with his boss "to discuss redundancy" and I know even the strongest person would break if they lost their home, wife, child and job all at the same time. I don't want to take dd away from her home when she's just getting a bit more back to normal and all my family are in a different country anyway.

I'm trying not to engage in any conversation and have no plans that include him now. I'm making the most of all the lockdown easing by meeting up with friends for walks, to play tennis, etc. Unless I'm taking dd with me I'm trying to limit when I do these things to when dd is in bed as he has a very short fuse and I no longer trust him not to upset either of us. I also go to bed almost as soon as dd had fallen asleep.

It's really difficult though, I feel for everyone in this situation. We could have managed longer if lockdown hadn't happened, although I think maybe splitting up while dc is probably better in the long run.

Does anyone know whether UC do look at equity in your property?

I couldn't cope financially without dh unless I could claim a UC top up but I have a mortgage.

Please don't leave the house! If you are and always have been your children's primary carer then stay where you are. Don't be impulsive. Your instinct to set yourself up to be in a better position when you separate is correct.

@KellyHall

Have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk/ It will ask you questions on your circumstances including housing ownership status and give you an idea of what you can claim.

I’ve been doing a bit of research and I think (but can’t be sure) that UC will disregard the capital in your property for about 6 months but you may have to show that you are taking steps to release that capital (like putting house on the market at no more than the valuation). I think even when you get your money from the house they will disregard it for another period of time as long as it will be used to put down on buying another house. If anyone can confirm this, it would put my mind at rest. I don’t think my hubby would leave the house willingly either. I phoned CAB a few months ago regarding this enquiry and the adviser I got was a bit useless so I never got a definitive answer

@ Lydia Ambrose1
@geekatheart
My heart goes out to you both. Both having young children who will soak up the atmospere, and you both having to cope with a man child each, who effectively tells you you're worthless.
For anyone experiencing the Silent Treatment, the first thing you can do is stop cooking for them, just cook for you & kids. If they moan you have not made anything, just say "you won't communicate so I didn't know what to cook, and if I did make something, it would'nt be good enough !"
There's a great thread on MN from a few days ago " I have been silenced" about an OP who is biding her time until she can run for the hills. I have not heard of the greyrock method, will look it up now.
for you both, stay strong & please keep us posted.

@LydiaAmbrose1 How's it going?

After a really awful start to the week during which (if I was in a position to do so), I'd loved to have kicked dh out, he seems to have realised I've "checked out" and is being really nice. It's wasted on me now, I literally feel nothing, he's now being how he should have been 5 years ago, I'm not spending another 5 years walking on eggshells in the hope he'll one day behave how he's supposed to all the time.

But how do you actually tell someone they have to leave their home/wife/child? Nice as he's been the last few days, if he can get angry and hostile over tiny things, how can I actually get him to leave when the time comes??

*(Dd will be at a friend's house, that's already arranged - at least lockdown is good for knowing people will be at home!)

Thank you kgal3542 and KellyHall. I’m still here at the moment. There’s a lack of accommodation in the area and I doubt he’d leave easily. We’ve had a good chat about things but I feel the same Kelly, I’ve checked out. I’ve been here too many times before. He always changes temporarily and then it’s back to the same old within a few weeks/ months. It’s difficult if the other person doesn’t want to give up on the relationship and won’t move out. I’ve figured it’s best to just go if and when you can. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells for the rest of their life. I know exactly what you mean as that’s how I feel too. Fathers Day today and I’d love to have seen him playing with the kids and having fun. He’s just not one of those dads. The house has been full of tension and shouting. The kids are always screaming or fighting and it doesn’t half put a strain on things. I wish he’d do an activity with them or play with them from time to time, but he just sits whining about bills/ brexit/ state of the world/ lockdown/ the kids/ work etc etc. He’s never happy and it starts to rub off. The irony being he thinks he’s a great dad because he changes nappies, cooks tea, puts the kids to bed, but he doesn’t realise that his negativity and ridiculously high expectations on everyone creates such a toxic family atmosphere. Being a good parent doesn’t just involve doing the bare basics, it’s so much more than that

No I left the marritable home, he sold split between us.

@LydiaAmbrose1
Thankyou for update Lydia. If you see a solicitor about a divorce, you can apply for a partition suit if the OH refuses to sell. It costs, but you would have something to aim for. I finally told my OH on Friday, it all kicked off & upshot is he is putting house up for sale. He has threatened this twice before in 16 years, in order to bring me to heel, but this time he can bring it on, there's no going back. I haven't even made him a drink, just brewing up for me. This has happened 6 months before my workplace pension arrives, so timing is not ideal but I will ride the storm thanks to the threads i've read on MN.
If any of you has a faith please read Psalm 91 for strength.

How are things OP?

@kgal3542 I didn’t realise that about a partition suit. That’s good to know, thank you. I’m sorry things are bad for you too right now, but hope you’re ok and hope the house sale goes well. I bet it will be such a relief to be finally shot of him. I think we get to the point where enough is enough and you’re done trying.

@geekatheart I’m ok thank you. How I wish he would change permanently. It’s the way he communicates that has always caused problems between us. He doesn’t even seem to realise how rude and offensive he is to not just me, but everyone really. How are you bearing up? Hope you’re ok?

I'm coping OP, just. It's horrendous here. Still getting a barrage of nasty comments/ignore tactics/under the breath mutters, I don't even know what I've done. I don't think he does. He's just angry angry angry (but only with me, he's happy chappy to everyone else. I need a hidden camera. People wouldn't recognise him. He was civil to me for about half an hour yesterday and normally I would (and I know how shit this sounds on my half) feel relieved that he's "coming out of it", but yesterday i just felt numb. I think I'm turning a corner there's no coming back from. I'd feel better if I had a proper job to give me independence and stability but that's easier said than done. I'm just ignoring the comments and saying don't agree and walking away (although that makes him worse because I'm not biting). It's exhausting and miserable though and my stomach is churning constantly. We COULD have so much, but he seems determined to detest me! It's so very very strange and unfathomable. I don't think he's well, which makes me want to help him, but I can't take any more of this. I need an exit plan. Basically, I need money. Each day is such a struggle to stay happy and smiling for the kids when inside you're in bits. How do you manage to ignore the shit?

@geekatheart I’m just wondering how you are all these months later? We decided to put our house on the market and it’s sold. We are waiting for it all to go through at the moment. We were initially planning to relocate somewhere together but it’s all come to a head and I ended up calling the police today. I want well away from the situation now. I hope you’re ok and I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to reply to you

Are you going to buy your own place? I think you’d be happier

Glad I found this thread.
Same boat but only asked him to leave last night. He's refusing at the moment.

I look back over the years and realise quite how much I've compromised and how much we all end up dancing to his tune so often it's unreal.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I can get home to leave but I'm the primary cater for our kids and prettt much everything here so I'm not going anywhere and seeing as it's his selfish behaviour that's caused the issues in our marriage for so long he doesn't deserve to reap the rewards of the family home.

When I told him I want him to leave earlier he looked shocked as normally I want to talk and work through things but not this time.

He said why should he leave when it's half his. I told him it's not about who gets what but what's best for the dc and that's staying in their own home with their main carer.
He should have thought about it before making silly decisions and choices and lying to me about them.

I haven't been happy for a while and this straw broke the camels back.

Luckily he goes to bed relatively early as he has wary starts for work so that's normal for him to disappear not long after tea and he's normally out of the house before anyone's awake so that helps it's just the bit from when he gets home til bed time and the weekends I have to try and make normal
For the kids until he agrees to leave.

In the meantime there's been no shouting or anything and only a few conversations where I've reiterated that I want him to leave and that we are no longer together for another minute.

There's no point shouting and actually this time I just feel numb to it and want to get on with my life so I know it's the right decision but it's the both being here until he will leave.

We rent so no mortgage issue and I don't even need him to cover anything financially as I can sort it

It's made harder by the dc being at home due to lockdown but I've got a mental list of things to do to keep me occupied for a while whilst helping the dc with school work but it won't be long before they pick up an atmosphere.
I've told him he's also a selfish twat for expecting his kids to live in it.

So sad to hear about so many of you in such unhappy situations, wishing you all strength to get things sorted and may 2021 be your year 💐 But please @geekatheart, reach out for help, and @LydiaAmbrose1 go your own way without him!

Good on you for making the move!

Best to get these things out in the open and that in itself can be a weight off your shoulders.

Well done! I left a man like the one you describe and I had nothing but a set of bunk beds. It worked out though, I am 6 years on and there still is not a day goes by that I'm not so grateful to be out from under the big black cloud that was living with him. I am a lot more financially stable and have gone back to work. It's amazing what I've achieved without a grown Man squeezing all the confidence and happiness out of my life. You can do this. I'd say let your family and friends know as you'll need support even if it's just listening and being reassured. My kids were so much happier in a matter of days. I remember one of the wise people on here telling me I'd given them the beautiful gift of peace. There were some difficult times but they were greatly outweighed by him being on the other side of my front door making someone else's life a misery.