Advice on what to think/do

[Cat112344]

My partner has recently started a new job, neither of us currently drive ( I was doing my lessons then corona happened! ) and he was originally getting a taxi to work. Now he’s worked there for around 3 months. He’ started getting a lift off someone from work he’d made friends with which obviously I thought helped a lot and I was quite happy to be saving money! He has to walk to meet this man, at first he told me it was just down the road by a couple of minutes so one night I told him I’ll walk with him to meet this man as I’ll pop to the shop (he does night shift). All of a sudden he told me he walks around 20 minutes to meet him and explained where it is, which isn’t the way he originally said at all. Thinking nothing of it I though ah it’s ok. A few weeks ago he’d had a drink on his night off and was going on about work. He started talking about some woman there. His eyes lit up and he wouldn’t stop going on about how funny she is etc... I thought she’s just a friend, obviously I won’t have a problem with friends lol. I added her on Facebook as she knows one of my best mates. She messaged my friend randomly asking why have I added her.. my friend replied you’re on my raffle page together that’s probably why. She then went on to say that I don’t have to worry about her ( i hadn’t said I was to anybody!). Anyway he told me (she also told my friend) she does the days there and they see each other for an hour before shop shuts... I’ve recently found out that she’s also on the night shift... last week my partner said that this man was having a week off work so he’d have to get taxis that week.. my friend had told me the week before that this girl was having that same week off. He got a lift on Thursday again and messaged me whilst at work saying ‘some girl at work said you added her on Facebook?’ I said ‘who?’ And he said ‘some (her name) girl’ I said ‘why does that matter?’ To which he didn’t reply. Something feels off. I feel as though he’s hiding something from me, she seemed worried when I had added her. The week off of work he spoke to me 24/7 at work (he told me he couldn’t have his phone out) now that this ‘man’ is back it’s back to barley anything! Also the way that he walks is right next to her house..? Am I over thinking? Could he really be getting lifts off her etc.. if he came to me and said that a girl at work offered him lifts and he assured me it was completely friendly I wouldn’t be too bothered...

Over this past year he’s lied about a lot. Going on nights out and not coming back until 12 the next day etc. He’s had a massive change in himself, of course I’m going to worry.

He lied about where he has to walk to to get the lift which only came about because you were walking in the same direction.

He doesn’t know the man’s surname.....odd considering he’s been getting lifts off him and works with him.

The man and her had the same week off.

When she was off he was contacting you, which reduced when she came back.

Mentionitis.

Him not getting you anything for your anniversary.

It all stinks of an affair.

Your partner is up to no good and he's a terrible liar. Take the blinders off.

Well apparently me being suspicious is not letting my partner breathe or have females as friends..

When has a cheating man ever admitted to cheating when you casually ask? 😂
Please do not ask him outright. He will just get better at hiding stuff.
Something is wrong. He’s hiding something. You know this. I hope it turns out to be nothing.

Your gut if already telling you he is having an affair. Listen to your gut op

Intuition. If it feels off it’s likely off. Ask him outright but be prepared for the answer you may not want.

Over this past year he’s lied about a lot. Going on nights out and not coming back until 12 the next day etc.
Well this Isnt good either! Whether or not he is having an affair or lining up an affair, he is a liar. Where does he say he is when out all night? What has he lied about?

Laughing at those people who are just saying ask him. Because of course people having affairs will tell the truth If they are asked.

Completely off tangent but don’t think I’ve ever read a more woke quote. Absolutely hilarious!!

It's 2020, people of opposing genders can be friends

First of all remove her as a friend on social media. You may have friends in common but you aren't friends with this woman and it was weird you adding her in the first place.

Secondly always trust your gut. He might not be having a physical affair but it is definitely an emotional one.

Trust your gut. Ask him if she is the work colleague he’s getting lifts from. I think you’d be able to tell a lot from how he responds. I’m not saying there is something going on, but if in your gut it doesn’t feel right, you can’t ignore it otherwise your imagination may get the better of you.

If he isn't having an affair already it sounds like it's not far off.

Clearly she is 'the man' and there would be no need to lie about this if nothing was going on.

Basically he is lying, she's the man and he fancies her. That's why he was acting defensive calling you out for adding her as a friend on Facebook - he didn't like the fact you have made that connection with her because it will start to blow his cover.

Either way, he is making this friendship a secret and that's where they line is being crossed. If there was no emotional/physical attraction between them, then it would be a non-issue and he would be telling you outright that, lets call her Brenda, (sorry just the random name which came into my head) would be giving him lifts etc.

Believe me they go to extraordinary lengths to cover things up/lie about that person. It is totally up to you now to either call him out on it or keep schtum and see how much further he will lie about.

Put the kids in the pram tomorrow and tell him you're walking with him to where he gets a lift.

If it all goes wrong and he gets stroppy, evasive and annoyed just tell him you know he's lying, call his bluff

Sorry OP, it’s not looking good.

I’d keep your powder dry at this stage until you find actual evidence, rather than confronting him with only your gut instinct, (which is probably right). Chances are, without irrefutable proof, he’ll carry on lying. At the moment, I think you’re more annoyed with her than him and being driven by your imagination.

I’ve been there, got the T shirt etc. A work affair that he denied for ages even though I’d met her and her pathetic partner (!) Even when my ex admitted everything, her daft partner still wouldn’t believe a word of it.

Rather than trying to find out the truth at this stage, from my own experience, I’d strongly recommend that you spend a bit of time thinking about what you want to happen, IF he’s having an affair.

It’s all very well looking for evidence and confronting him and wanting him to apologise and grovel etc. but you need a plan to keep control of the situation.

1.what do you want to do if he admits it and asks for forgiveness?

1. what will you do if he says he wants to leave?

I was lucky as I didn’t have children so it was just the house to sort and I could easily walk away. You’ve more to lose so you need to think about it much more carefully.

Do you have a best friend whom you could confide in to help you work out your best options?

If I found out he was cheating/cheated, he’d be gone no questions asked. I’d ask him to move out and only speak when regarding him seeing our kids etc... He’s known from day one, cheating I will never forgive.

I agree I definitely need more evidence. If I ask him now he will deny as I can’t prove otherwise. My best friend suggested waiting outside his work place to see who he gets out the car with etc but I don’t exactly have time for mind games! I’m not sure what to do about it all really. How could I find out without asking?! I know he’d lie if I asked outright as I have nothing but my feeling (a few coincidences) to back me up! Any advice on how to gather more etc would be great lol.

He randomly changed his phone number a few weeks ago out of the blue... a couple of days prior he was getting a lot of texts, like one after another paragraphs but I couldn’t see what they said he deleted them instantly. Now he has a new number so nothing else has came through. He also changed his phone password recently... we’ve always been very open with our phones so this was a big change for us!

She knows we’re together so i would be angry with her, but I’d be livid with him! I know the blame goes to him, If anything is going on... I will never forgive him

Even at my age now my mum is my best friend 😂 she always gives the best advice and supports me x

The phone number change is a huge red flag.. Do people even change their number these days? The only reason you would do it would be to block someone.

op does your mum drive? would she wait where his lift is to see who he gets in with? if he see's her you can say she is just on her way over to you? If your that worried you need some detective work.

Lots of odd behaviour, changing number and deleting messages? not normal.

I’ve gotta say it seems very clear cut that he’s lying about nearly everything right now. You can just ask him to leave given that’s what you’d do if he’s cheating, you don’t need to wait to see it with your own eyes.

Cat... Here is my advice and I am wishing for your best life:

please get a hold of your financials. This is good for any woman to know anyway. Make sure you can get whatever documents that show your accounts or whatever.

Women should all do this, it is important even in the best of situations.

I wouldn’t have it out with the kids in the pram or whatever. You know deep down this behavior isn’t normal.

Get all your ducks in a row. He will keep lying and praying upon your trust and understanding. The less he knows of your suspicions the better. It’ll feel good in the moment but it is SO MUCH BETTER to really have the conviction and knowledge when you do have a talk.

It’s not normal he should ride with anyone and not know their last name. It’s not normal someone giving a ride should not go 5 mins further by car to pick that person up at their house. (Odd to do kindness for someone and not drive to save them a long walk)

It’s odd that you both wouldn’t pay kindness back to this carpooler. Why has he not wanted to buy this man anything or have you or him bake anything? Like someone is driving him round saving money... wouldn’t it be nice to invite him round for dinner or whatever? That’s weird. You know it is.

If you haven’t tipped your hand or made a scene you are in a very powerful position. I know it hurts. I KNOW it hurts. But if I could go back and give my own self this advice I’d have cut out a lot of BS.

Once you have some ducks in a row. Quietly unfriend her without comment. You already know she’s weird about it anyway. Watch as he skitters and wonders.

When you have everything in a row and a good plan then go ahead and see the horrible crap for yourself. Go and see him hop into her car. But at least if your ducks are in a row you won’t be left rudderless.

Also (sorry so long and again this is just my advice but I feel for you) please don’t have unprotected sex with him. Cheaters cheat and they cheat even on the ones they cheat with. And the ones they cheat with keep cheating as well. Don’t put your body in danger.

You’re worth more than lies and gaslighting. You’re worth more than having messy fights that lead to more lies. You need to have yourself a good plan and then you strike. If you don’t you will ardently want to believe lies. If it’s genuinely a mistake then you will have the safety of your plan to let you do things rationally.

baby 3 months ago

This is really sad OP as I personally think you're right in your suspicions. I don't think you're losing it or anything.x

I think even if someone photoed him getting out of the car with her he would lie. He'd say he just didn't tell you as he thought you'd be funny about him driving there with a woman (we all know that's an outright lie, you wouldn't mind, if there was nothing else going on and he'd told the truth.)

So ideally you need some proof that there's an actual relationship or whatever going on.

The phone thing is weird, as presumably it's not her that he blocked, if he's still probably getting these lifts with her. Maybe he was paranoid that you could track his phone or something.

Thanks for the advice ladies, I may do the checking who’s giving him a lift. No doubt if it is her he’d lie his way out of it... he also did something else quite odd around a month ago.. he shaved completely down there which he has never done before (he was the first time we had sex and never ever since)...