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Original poster

Impossible Father's Day request

47 replies

BraverThanYouBel1eve · 14/06/2020 21:32

We're very recently separated - discussed splitting up several times, most recently about half a year ago but now it's final. We have two teenagers. He has requested that I don't remind children about Father's Day because he doesn't want to celebrate it and doesn't need any presents this year, in the light of the divorce. I told him it's not about us, or relationship between us parents, it is about his relationship with the children and that in my view his request is misguided. I suggested we talk about it again later. He disagrees.

WWYD? If I don't remind children then yes they may not manage to organise presents in time, particularly with so many shops closed etc. But it feels so wrong not to help them to have a positive experience of buying a present and a card just like they have always done. He's still their father, that's not changed!

It's just 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation and I'm edging towards doing what I'd normally do, then it's up to him how he reacts. Surely it can't be too much to ask to accept presents from your own children?

OP posts:
Serialcatmum · 14/06/2020 21:34

You’re totally right. He’s being ridiculous and frankly, quite rude.

Do as you would normally to support your children to have a relationship with their father. You’re doing the right thing 👍🏻

GalwayGrowl · 14/06/2020 21:34

Just leave him to it. If he's not bothered then I wouldn't be.

Father's Day isn't about the children.

DPotter · 14/06/2020 21:35

As your children as teenagers - suggest they contact him to ask if he would like to meet up for a walk or similar. If not they can send him a card.

Ragwort · 14/06/2020 21:36

Could he be double bluffing in that he hopes the teenagers will remember for themselves without having to be 'reminded' and then he can act hurt that no one bothered?

Is your own Dad still around, could you talk about Father's Day in a sort of abstract way to your DC in the hope that they will at least get him a card?

Do you and DH still share a home?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 14/06/2020 21:37

If he doesn't want to celebrate it and doesn't need any presents then he needs to have a conversation with his children where they can ask him any questions they might have as to why.

I don't know why but this feels like a test and also like a shunning of a fatherly role. It does seem like he's putting you in an awkward position where he can blame you if it doesn't play out his way.

Original poster
BraverThanYouBel1eve · 14/06/2020 21:41

We still live in the same house due to lockdown and practical steps we need to go through to separate properly (plans in place but will take months).

OP posts:
Original poster
BraverThanYouBel1eve · 14/06/2020 21:56

@Ragwort - yes it absolutely looks like double bluffing to me.

OP posts:
LittleWing80 · 14/06/2020 21:58

Do you think he is doing it to guilt trip you for wanting a separation?

Original poster
BraverThanYouBel1eve · 14/06/2020 22:00

@Modestandatinybitsexy - yes, agreed, he can blame me either way, whatever I do. That's why I'm edging towards doing what I feel is right, which is supporting children.

OP posts:
Tlollj · 14/06/2020 22:01

Nah fuck him. If he doesn’t want a card he can go without.

Interestedwoman · 14/06/2020 22:04

I would let it go and not do it this year (unless they decide to off their own bat.) They can do it again next year.

heartsonacake · 14/06/2020 22:09

It’s father’s day, it’s not for your kids. If he says he doesn’t want you reminding them (and to be honest, they’re teenagers, they shouldn’t need reminding) you need to respect that.

illclapwheniminpressed · 14/06/2020 22:13

I would get it in writing. A clear message of him saying he doesn't want to.

Then if in future he starts demanding you have a copy of it. That it's about him and not the children.

Father's Day is to celebrate being a father and having your dc.

WhitbyGoth · 14/06/2020 22:26

Respect his wishes !

AJPTaylor · 14/06/2020 22:34

I would tell your teens they need to discuss Fathers Day with their father and leave it at that. I might tell your ex that you have done so and he can have a proper conversation with them about it.. or he can carry on sulking in a corner like a child.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 14/06/2020 22:38

The children might feel bad if they forget and do nothing and then they see the Father’s Day things their friends have done plastered all over social media. I’d maybe buy a card and some chocolates as a back up!

OhYeahYouSuck · 14/06/2020 22:39

Why don't you listen to what he says and do as he asks? You've separated and they aren't young children plus your ex has asked you not to. Stay out of it.

Popskipiekin · 14/06/2020 22:43

Agree with PP the teens may well feel bad if the day passes and they realise later they’d forgotten. They may well blame you for not reminding them! (Unfair, but this is what I would have done as a teen.) I used to love getting together a card and gift for these days when I was younger (still do!) so I think it’s bizarre/cruel of him to be playing the martyr in this strange fashion and denying DC the chance of getting him something /doing something. I like the suggestion of saying to them that they need to discuss Father’s Day with their dad. Shift buck back to him.

Haffdonga · 14/06/2020 22:43

What's best for the dc? That they know it's fathers Day and can choose what they want to do about it or that they don't know (and then perhaps feel embarrassed or guilty for not doing anything)?

I'd drop into conversation that it's FD and then support the dcs to get a card or something if they ask to.

Flyingagainstreason · 14/06/2020 22:45

Why do people wonder why women take on the wifework. You are still doing it. He’s said “I’m not bothered” yet you seem to insist it’s better for the children.
Listen to him.
They are old enough to fuck up on their own and it NOT be your fault. Why are you taking on all the guilt of either outcome ???

Original poster
BraverThanYouBel1eve · 18/06/2020 18:53

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I suggested that either: 1) I can tell children that there's father's day coming up but they need to speak to their dad first, before they buy any presents; or 2) that he talks to them himself.

I said it's not fair on children or me if I just 'forget' about it without any prior warning or explanation, when all the previous years I have been involved. He's still their father.

He now said that he's ok with me reminding them so long as they buy presents with their own pocket money. So we settled on that. All sorted now.

OP posts:
Flyingagainstreason · 18/06/2020 22:43

You never said how old they are

SHAR0N · 18/06/2020 22:52

Why doesn’t HE speak to the children and tell them he doesn't want a card / gift.

Stop doing his wifework for him.

Snorkers · 18/06/2020 23:21

He sounds tiresome. Not surprising you are separating. Tell the kids to go and talk to him about it, if hed mentions it again tell him that you have nothing more to say on the matter.
He's playing mind games with you.

ZombieFan · 18/06/2020 23:23

They are teenagers, more than able to deal with Fathers day if they want. You really should keep out of this, not all father 'do' fathers day. And as he is in the house if anything comes up you can refer it to him. Its not that big a deal unless you make it one.