Impossible Father's Day request

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

We're very recently separated - discussed splitting up several times, most recently about half a year ago but now it's final. We have two teenagers. He has requested that I don't remind children about Father's Day because he doesn't want to celebrate it and doesn't need any presents this year, in the light of the divorce. I told him it's not about us, or relationship between us parents, it is about his relationship with the children and that in my view his request is misguided. I suggested we talk about it again later. He disagrees.

WWYD? If I don't remind children then yes they may not manage to organise presents in time, particularly with so many shops closed etc. But it feels so wrong not to help them to have a positive experience of buying a present and a card just like they have always done. He's still their father, that's not changed!

It's just 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation and I'm edging towards doing what I'd normally do, then it's up to him how he reacts. Surely it can't be too much to ask to accept presents from your own children?

He’s allowing you to remind them.
Ffs
I’ve heard it all now.

Jeez! Will his martyrdom be on the divorce papers? 💐 for you, OP.

Teenagers should be old enough to remember and buy a card at least.

Get cards for the kids to sign and keep the receipts, how could be trying to create a narrative that you have alienated him from his kids.

I’m glad you managed to get the issue resolved. It’s sounds like he could be hurting about the separation & that’s a way to react to it. Getting divorced is hard at the best of times, let alone now. All the best.

Get cards for the kids to sign and keep the receipts, how could be trying to create a narrative that you have alienated him from his kids
This!

He could always tell his kids himself that he doesn't want anything from them....but no, he wants YOU to be the 'bad guy' who 'told' the kids NOT to give him anything
So in their eyes/mind it's you who's creating a wedge between them - and you can bet that's the narrative he'll be telling the kids and everyone else.

What a drama. Him, not you. I’m sure they watch tv or use social media, it’s unlikely they forget.

Don’t fall into the trap of continuing to pander to him, he’s not your problem any longer. Buy yourself something nice to celebrate that!

So it’s been left that you will remind the teenagers about Father's Day, so he’s still managed to make it your responsibility that he enjoys his day!
He’s a bit of a manipulative game player!

When you remind the kids, be sure to tell them that this will be the last year you do that. And firmly stick to that next year!

I havent reminded my teens about Father's Day and we all live pretty happily together. Surely by their teens it's down to them?

Sounds like he doesn’t want the responsibility of doing Mother’s Day in future so is making it clear that you shouldn’t get involved with Father’s Day, hence the ‘they have to buy it themselves’.

What a over dramatic ballbag he is!

Respect his wishes?! Like it's some noble act? He's being petulant and passive aggressive, and inflicting his strop on his blameless children. And I bet that if they continue to "respect his wishes" next year, that will be wrong too.

My hearty congratulations on dropping this loser, your life will be much happier for it

He now said that he's ok with me reminding them so long as they buy presents with their own pocket money. So we settled on that. All sorted now.

How gracious. Again, congrats. In the future, don't enter into negotiations on his every whim, next time let him miss out.

So many shitty men.

God some posters are absolutely vile to men on here.

He's probably hurting a lot from you know, getting divorced because its fucking painful is it not. Maybe it's his way of seeing if the kids actually give a shit about him in the wake of splitting - maybe one of his biggest fears is they will just forget all about him. He made a simple request and OP understandably because she's a woman and we always feel the need to make sure everything gets done, was in a quandary about it but now it's solved. Why make him out to be an evil headworker on the basis of this one request?!

Some of you really are grim in your thought processes and cruel and nasty with it.

FFS, he should be focused on ensuring the kids are ok and happy not testing them to see whether THEY care enough about HIM. He is being pathetic.

If his biggest fear is his kids forgetting about him then he is a poor father. His focus should be on their wellbeing, not him own pity party

You are both being ridiculous. Your kids are old enough to get their shit together and really do not need reminding and if he really doesn’t want anything, he needs to discuss it with his children.

I can’t be doing with Mother’s Day but DD never forgets and I leave at that. I suspect when she’s older, she’ll probably adopt my can’t be arsedness about the day too.

He’s playing games, start as you mean to go on and don’t engage.

If you are going to continue to live together for the foreseeable future, then you need to detach and this situation is a good place to start.

dollus he's human. You literally have no idea what kind of father he's been to his children - the only people who have any perspective on that are first and foremost his children, himself, then OP.

Are you like this in real life?

@LittleWing80 yes possibly guilt-tripping me but it's too late for that, I won't be guilt tripped at this stage. Most likely he's just hurting inside and it's a misguided, unhelpful expression of the hurt.

@Flyingagainstreason - ages are 13 and 15.

To those who hint at manipulation and mindfuckery, this is exactly the case, it has been a pattern over many years and the reason I'm leaving.

@Justmuddlingalong - you wish! I offered him 'unreasonable behaviour' particulars for divorce to consider (as mild as I could possibly make them), he thought about them and concluded them to be upsetting and untrue. I have then offered that he applies for divorce instead, which he did.

All the plans for separating are in place but it may take up to 6 months before we're able to physically separate for good. So at the moment I'd rather not have any extra conflict or disagreement. But those of you who said 'detach' are absolutely right, I can maybe do better with that.

I so appreciate all the comments. Divorce is hard as you can imagine but I see no way back. To those who asked why I keep doing the 'wifework' I think it's the wrong time to hit the children with the new rules without any warning or explanation, but certainly I will tell them that they're old enough to organise themselves with gifts and cards from next year onwards.

My ex was like that, and it absolutely was passive aggressive and manipulative.
I'm sorry you're still having to live with him.