Treated like a mug and scared to go it alone

[hadenough55555]

I've been with my partner for 3 years, I have one child with him and another child from a previous relationship.
It's become toxic, he lies a lot, he calls me unforgivable names and insults during arguments. Pre lockdown he's gone off during arguments and gone on drinking benders and showed back home when he wants to. Even on good days he does what he wants. We both work, my youngest is 1 and hard work and at the weekends he just goes off on his motorbike for hours. I get no time to do anything like this for myself. He's shockingly flirty with other women and we've had many issues about this. My self esteem from this and the name calling is non existent.
I want to break free from this but he says when we split he will tell people things about me (that are lies), but he does know some personal things about my life and he wouldn't be afraid of telling people, he's hinted at things to people in the past when we've fallen out.
He tells me I have no friends, a shit job and I rely on him for money (I earn my own money he's just on more money than me, I work part time so we aren't spending a fortune on nursery fees)
I don't know the way out I this. I love him, but the relationship a lot of the time, is toxic

Just to add, I know there's no other women

This is also going to break my heart when it's over. I love him and it's hard not to remember good things, but there's also a lot more bad times I need to focus on

Coercive control is illegal. Tell him to look it up.

@BuddhaAtSea I've mentioned that to him before, claims he in no way fits into that category

I would rather my secret be exposed to the world and deal with it then for a so-called partner to frighten me into staying with him just because he knew this secret about me. All the time you stay just because you're frightened, but once the secret is out, believe me, the relief is immense.

Exactly what did you do that is so awful that you are willing to remain in a toxic relationship and keep it a secret rather than start afresh?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Why did you write, "I know there is no other woman", is that comment some sort of comfort and or consolation to you?. Just how low is your relationship bar here?. Is this all you think you deserve?

What is there to love about this man, are you really confusing this with codependency?. Why would this break your heart when its over, you describe this as toxic.

This is over because of his abuses towards you (and in turn your children); this is in no way a loving relationship. Its one based one abuse and that is also about having power and control. Abuse is insidious in its onset and over time he has reduced you to a mere shadow of your former self.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?
Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?. No and I daresay this is not what you would want for them when they are adults either.

This man can say what he likes; I daresay that your true friends would not believe a word he says. He is a bully too and full of hot air. His veiled threats are all designed to keep you further in the hole he has dug for you. Abuse like this too will take time, perhaps years, to recover from, and your own recovery from this will only properly start when you are fully apart from him.

Where are your family and friends here?. Speak out about what is happening to you, abuse thrives on secrecy. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and start to firm up plans to leave this individual. I would also suggest you look up their Freedom Programme as well. Keep writing here too.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 it wasn't anything bad, just personal and mental health related (I'm fine now, it was just a situation I was in)
I don't care who he tells to be honest, he's threatened and hinted it enough times. He doesn't use it as an "oh if you leave I'm telling blah blah " it's a "I can't wait til I can tell everyone" kind of thing

And he absolutely does fit into the coercive control category. Of course he was going to deny this to you.

BTW did you two meet when you were at a low ebb in your life?.

Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

You know what - i'd tell everyone myself, take the wind right out of his sails.

Then i'd dump him.

I know we've been on lockdown but before lockdown, when was the last nice day or evening out you and him had?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think it probably is as a comfort for myself that it could be worse. I also came from a broken home with an abusive father, so I suppose I haven't seen the best type of relationship.
The thing is, I've been though this kind of relationship once before, being name called, I was cheated on. I don't know where I'm going wrong.

How disgusting that he says that. It’s threatening. Bite the bullet and get him gone. You’ll only feel relief when he’s gone

You love him? What do you love about him? The threats to divulge your personal stuff to keep you in line? The drinking benders? The fact he leaves you with all the childcare so he can go off whenever? Or is it the incessant flirting with other women you find so lovable?

Indeed take the wind out of his sails and also start opening up to trusted people about his abuses of you and in turn your kids; that is far worse than what little he really has on you. Such threats are all designed basically to keep you with him.

Sounds like you’re already doing it on your own. Except he’s in the way making it harder.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes I did, I'd been out of the bad relationship I described but it had been 2 years, but I don't think I'd ever got the old me back when I met him, now this and my self esteem is even worse. I don't tell my family everything, my mums old and I don't want to put on her or make it seem like I'm a failure. I'm to embarrassed to tell the friends I have. A lot of them are in their "perfect family" bubble.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I've kind of assigned myself to the fact people will know, but it's done me good because I don't care. And the sensitivity of what it is he will actually be telling people, I think it will reflect on him and what a dick he is for throwing it around, then me.
And oh it was before my youngest came. But my two kids are good sleepers, we have plenty of opportunity for us time in the evening.

@needhandhold @TwentyViginti @ThickFast

All so true

He can be very manipulative in the way he brings things back to himself to make him look a victim of that's he done nothing wrong. I've seen him do this in the past when he's phoned his mother during an argument and I've watched him lie on the phone to her.

I also know how pathetic it is that he phones her mid argument. That's another story

Hadenough

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I also came from a broken home with an abusive father, so I suppose I haven't seen the best type of relationship".

Sadly there is no suppose about it. No you indeed have not and we after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Your parents let you down abjectly as a child and taught you a lot of crap about relationships, lessons you absorbed from them and have carried over to this day. It is down to you now to not impart these damaging lessons to your children.

No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like and you still do not know. The fact too that your previous relationship was abusive too is no coincidence. You basically went from one abusive relationship into another one.

You absolutely now need to be on your own and have counselling to unravel all the crap you have picked up about relationships along the way. Your boundaries, already skewed by what you saw at home and in a previous abusive relationship, are being further eroded by this individual you are with now.

"The thing is, I've been though this kind of relationship once before, being name called, I was cheated on. I don't know where I'm going wrong".

Its not you its them. The men in your life to date starting with your father have all been abusive. This is totally on them, you did not make them act like this or drive them to abuse you. You chose these men because abuse is what you have always known, its familiar to you. You can and must break this cycle you are in. Your children deserve that much of their mother.

Had enough

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I don't tell my family everything, my mums old and I don't want to put on her or make it seem like I'm a failure".

You're absolutely not a failure here, he has made you feel like this too.
Please reach out.

"I'm to embarrassed to tell the friends I have. A lot of them are in their "perfect family" bubble".

They are really not in a perfect family bubble. Abuse like you describe really does thrive on secrecy, please find someone in your social circle to talk to. I daresay also that one or two of your friends already have their own private based suspicions about him, they have seen how you are around him.

At the very least talk to Womens Aid and or your local domestic violence support group. I would reiterate too that none of this is your fault.

You need to speak to a solicitor to get advice for if you ever need it, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. It’s comforting to have all your ducks in a row.
Do the children see how he treats you, and if they do, do you want them growing up in that situation ?

Op ending this relationship is not failing. It’s putting you and your children first. Your family want you to be happy.

Can you start planning your exit? What can we do to help

Dr Ramani dropped a great YouTube video just yesterday about why forgiving people attract narcissists.

You own your truth girl! He sounds disgusting. You’re exactly right, speaking ill of you while you have the dignity to remain silent reflects on his character. He is using blackmail but don’t let yourself be blackmailed. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

If people mention anything he has said/done post-breakup just have a few lines you’ve rehearsed to give you more confidence to handle those situations. Eg “oh dear, I hope that want awkward for you when my ex said/did that...” then smoothly change the subject.

Anyone who believes or listens to gossip is not worth your time.

You know he is a piece of shit and it’s not what you’re doing wrong. We all have relationships, my personal definition of success is not marriage or children. It’s being happy. He is making you unhappy, to stay in a bad relationship when you could have a peaceful life wouldn’t make your life a success.

Also word of advice - never tell an abusive person that you know they are abusing you. You mentioned telling him he was coercively controlling you. Don’t do that! You are better off playing smarter by pretending to act dumb.

When he threatens to tell people your secrets look lost & confused “but...why would you do that? Won’t that make you look bad? I mean, if you need to share with people it’s ok...everyone’s got a past I guess...”

Appear airy fairy & uncertain. It throws them off guard. If they push you always agree with them too. Don’t make a fight!

Just to reply to everyone

I do realise that I don't want to pass my idea of a relationship onto my kids. I am actually a strong person, I've been beaten down a lot mentally but I know there's a recovery. I think my fear is the initial hurt of going alone, but I suppose that's already happening isn't it, so I've answered my own question. And I'd be more than happy with just me and my kids.

From one person who had far too many abusive relationships before realising it was a pattern - you can break it. You CAN be happy. But you need to start with yourself.

You need to recognise those feelings of 'love' and see them for the co-dependence that they actually are. There's nothing he can now do to you that would be a worse fate than wasting any more if your life with this abusive arsehole.

You're setting yourself such a low bar that you believe that because (you believe) he's not cheating, then this is at least an improvement on the last one.

One, I wouldn't be so sure. His regular disappearing acts I find suspicious. But honestly, this is the least of your issues with this man.

Start getting your head into survival mode and do whatever it takes to get yourself and your DC away from him and into somewhere you will be happy.

Also, please don't even consider dating again until you've worked on loving yourself. Do the freedom programme and raise your standards. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Start with yourself