Treated like a mug and scared to go it alone

[hadenough55555]

I've been with my partner for 3 years, I have one child with him and another child from a previous relationship.
It's become toxic, he lies a lot, he calls me unforgivable names and insults during arguments. Pre lockdown he's gone off during arguments and gone on drinking benders and showed back home when he wants to. Even on good days he does what he wants. We both work, my youngest is 1 and hard work and at the weekends he just goes off on his motorbike for hours. I get no time to do anything like this for myself. He's shockingly flirty with other women and we've had many issues about this. My self esteem from this and the name calling is non existent.
I want to break free from this but he says when we split he will tell people things about me (that are lies), but he does know some personal things about my life and he wouldn't be afraid of telling people, he's hinted at things to people in the past when we've fallen out.
He tells me I have no friends, a shit job and I rely on him for money (I earn my own money he's just on more money than me, I work part time so we aren't spending a fortune on nursery fees)
I don't know the way out I this. I love him, but the relationship a lot of the time, is toxic

Indeed you would all be better off without this particular individual in your lives. He won't make it at all easy for you to leave because he likes having you around to abuse. He will try all sorts but hold firm against such tactics.

Please be careful and seek further support from WA when making plans to leave, your safety here is of paramount importance.

What treacletoots wrote; please take heed.

Love your own self for a change OP. Doing that will help you as well.

You know those 'secrets and lies' about you that he's just dying to spread?

Nobody else cares. Honestly. You have built these things up because they happened to you, but generally, unless it's something hugely illegal that went unpunished or you are in the public eye, it's only really important to you. I bet he's told you all the 'ooh, everyone will hate you if they know, nobody will speak to you again, nobody can possibly love you' etc etc. But truly? People will shrug, say 'oh yeah', and get on with their own lives.

Just leave him. Let him spread his lies - but I bet he won't even be bothered. Because he knows nobody will pay any attention.

If someone started telling me their ex’s intimate secrets. I’d judge. I’d judge the person telling me these things and think well I can see why she left you.

When ex left, he told everyone intimate things about me and our relationship. Things I’d told him when upset in confidence.

Even the people I’d been bitching about hated him for it. Nobody believed him or felt sorry for him or took his side.

You’ll be surprised, most people won’t care.

It’s also why whenever I meet a man who tells me his ex was crazy etc red flags immediately shoot up. I always think yeah that’s what every abusive man says.

I don't care who he tells to be honest

Perfect, that is your first step up the ladder to happiness, there wll be a few more to go, but you are on the way up.

"The thing is, I've been though this kind of relationship once before, being name called, I was cheated on. I don't know where I'm going wrong."

Okay - it's not that you're going wrong. It's most likely that you are being targeted by abusive men and perhaps missing a few early red flags once that has happened. I'm reading The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser (www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME)?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-3938202-treated-like-a-mug-and-scared-to-go-it-alone" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME) - as the title suggests, this book describes the very calculating way in which a male abuser (called the "Skilled Offender" in the book) establishes his hold over his partner. You might find it eye-opening. One of the things the author talks about is how the abuser makes it his business to get to know his partner intimately and then uses that information to manipulate and gaslight the woman. Another tactic is to discover things that the woman prides herself on and then start to neg her about them e.g. if she prides herself on her culinary skills, after a while he will start to criticise her food.

You might also find it helpful to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood as she explains how the ecstasy/misery cycle of an abusive relationship can be addictive and how functional love relationships can seem almost boring at first, and how to break the cycle.

Like PP - if he does share your personal secrets with other people, I would imagine most people will think he's a complete bastard for doing so. Which is quite amusing really because - outside their relationship - abusers like to be approved of; it helps them maintain their self-deception that they're not abusers. So you could just let him do it and reveal his true colours. Or you can tell other people first and take the wind out of his sails. Or you could point out that it will just show other people what a complete shit he is and that might give him pause for thought. Or, yes, he may still spill your secrets and it may sting a bit. None of those possibilities are reasons for staying with him.

"I don't know where I'm going wrong" - I guarantee the only place you are going wrong is tolerated poor behaviour for way too long.

When someone you are dating starts acting like this man is - the first put-down, the first time they show contempt of you and definitely the first time they frighten you (physically or emotionally), dump them.

If you find yourself googling their behaviour - dump them. If you find yourself on the Women's Aid website or looking at indicators of coercive control - dump them.

If you feel confused or unsure of your feelings - dump them.

Now there will be people reading this thinking I am being too harsh and that 'you just need to clearly communicate'. But people like me and you will ALWAYS make too many excuses for other people if we stick to our usual way of being. We will constantly try to improve our own communication, believing that 'if I can just get them t understand....'. What WE need to understand is that they fully understand already. But they don't care.

Trust me, by the time you get to dumping people, even if you stick to the guidelines above, you will have tried to communicate with them way too many times already.

Decent people don't do the things I have listed above. You can't know whether someone is decent when you first meet, so you have to give them time to unfold. Hold onto your heart for 3 months. Be alert to signs of a mis-match between words and actions. Be alert for subtle put-downs and indicators of contempt for you or for women in general. People show you who they are quite early if you are willing to see.

That's a long-winded way of saying to raise your bar. That's where you are going wrong. Your bar is too low.

Oh, and this guy? Your life will be 1000 per cent better when he is ditched, in every way imaginable.

You are not at fault here he is! Many men seem to be abusive to their partners and they are shallow and insecure assholes! Do you have family to turn to ? Let them know the situation and make some plans to move on .

Today's been a really bad day. I've had the worst things said to me. I'm broken. But it's over. I've had a long conversation with my mum on the phone and she's fully supporting me through this.

@ChristmasFluff you are so so right. To be fair I don't want any bar at all now. I'm completely set on never having a relationship again as it stands. I've taken too much for far too long.

@hadenough55555
Its great news it's over but how it ended doesnt sound good at all.

Anything he says about you isnt even true, he is just a twat of the highest order so ignore everything he said.

I'm pleased you've been able to speak to your mum.

Hope you got some kind of rest last night.

Had a really bad night, feeling absolutely awful today. He's had the cheek to begin messaging me saying think about the good times and we can sort it out. I don't think we can't

*can

Turn off your phone for now so he can't change your mind. Take back the power. He is just manipulating you.

I'm to embarrassed to tell the friends I have. A lot of them are in their "perfect family" bubble.
For all you really know, @hadenough55555 they may well think YOU are in a happy little bubble. People rarely 100% knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm in agreement with other PPs. Take the initiative (and the wind out of his sails) by telling people what HE is threatening to.

Mental health issues are, thank goodness, more and more being openly discussed where once it really was a dirty secret. How do you know that people will not, actually, admire you for rebuilding yourself from whatever you went through- especially if that is also followed by getting rid of this gaslighting blackmailer?

I'm glad you've decided to cut him out if your life. If you were half the person you are you'd still be worth far more than him.

If you can please see if you can get some professional counselling for your own self, and avoid any more relationships for a while until you feel emotionally stronger. Take care OP.

BTW: living your life well and being happy with your children will be such a sock in the eye for him, don't you think? 🌹

Yeah you just never know what’s really going on in other people’s lives.

Ask him to stop messaging you. You only have to say this one time and then if he messages you again you can report him to the police for harassment. It's that easy.