Husband messaging old friend/girlfriend

[Saltycinnamon]

My husband had evidently saved a whatsapp conversation (from last week) then emailed it to himself. The email is synced on an old iPad that I had started using again so I saw the full conversation. The emails all mix up in one inbox so it was unintentional. It’s with an old friend/girlfriend from university (they’re early 40s) who he’s kept in touch with on & off. I know of her. The messages are childishly giddy - nothing explicit but lots of hearts, love yous and beautifuls and ‘making each other smile’ etc etc. I showed him the conversation immediately and he’s on about it being a fantasy, he’s really sorry, loves me etc etc. I feel totally betrayed and numb. I don’t really know what to do. I know they haven’t met up for at least a year and I really don’t think anything physical has happened since they were at uni. I don’t think I’m being naive in that, the messages alluded to it. How do I know he wouldn’t have though? How can I trust him again?

Does anyone have any experience of this or advice?

Sadly I do, we stayed together, it’s been hard, broke my heart.

My only advice is to try and get some space and think about if you really want to stay together, it will help.

Either road is hard and shit.

@lemmysacecard Thanks. It feels like he’s had a physical affair but I don’t know if that’s a bit dramatic! I don’t know what I want to do. We’ve been together a long time. We’ve had bumps in the road & a period of time where it all felt very flat and hard work but things had been much, much better. I never really doubted that he loved me though until now. I feel so disrespected. I’d be ok on my own financially etc. But it’s a big step to take.

My DP claimed to be depressed and she was only a friend, it didn’t mean anything, still bloody hurt.

I hope your DH is begging forgiveness and doing all he can to rebuild everything. Mine didn’t, he was nasty, really messed with my head.

Same as you, been together 15 years, and bumps in the road. I knew things were not 100% but my attempts to sort things were rebuffed, he was too busy getting his ego stroked by friend. He swears it would not have gone physical, I do not believe him.

Think about what YOU want, if you can live with what he did or if you will be better on your own. There is no shame in either decision. Remember if you decide to leave or stay you can always change your mind further down the road if that is what you want.

I feel it's perfectly fine to be speaking to an ex as long as it's simply as friends.
It seems like he's taken it further with the hearts, love you's etc. It's all an emotional affair, he's putting energy into something that should only be with you.
I feel this is a huge mistake he's done and you'll have to set some boundaries now. Hopefully he doesn't do this again. How would he feel if the roles reversed

@Queenie42 he’d be gutted if the roles were reversed, I know he would. I get the ego boosting, thrilling side of it but I don’t know how he could say those things to someone else. If he didn’t mean it to her, how do I know he means it to me? In terms of boundaries I feel like that’s where I’m torn. He’s offered me full access to his phone etc etc but I don’t want that, he’s not my child! I want him not to message other women like that (I have absolutely no issue with platonic friendship) because he doesn’t want to, not because I might find out.

What’s his plan for sorting this out and making your marriage work ?

I am sorry OP.

I would struggle with the I love you's. It shows they connected on a deep emotional level..

Your dh needs to prove himself and cut all contact with ex.

I know what you mean, he's not your child so you don't want to be checking his phone. He's really put a downer on the marriage but I do believe it can be fixed. It will take just take. That's if you're willing to get past this

It will just take time*

@VER0NICA He’ll do anything blah blah blah. Currently just feel contempt for him which isn’t a good way to feel.

@faith50 he wants to prove himself - but I don’t know if he can. I don’t want to be his jailer/keeper. I don’t want to check his phone etc etc. It’s easy enough to hide that stuff if he really wanted to. I don’t actually know what he could do to restore my trust.

You husband is playing with fire in my opinion.

Maybe I’m making too big a deal out of it. He hasn’t physically done anything, although I think a drunken, random shag with a stranger would be easier to stomach than the connection they seem to have. She’s married too. Apparently her husband is a dick. I suggested that was something we had in common!! She’s irrelevant though, he’s my issue.

He hasn’t physically done anything

An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one, sometimes more so. You are not making too big a deal out of it. He is being totally emotionally inappropriate with another woman.

@aquamarine1029 it feels more so. He’s not playing it down. He knows he’s screwed up. But it shouldn’t have had to take me finding out for him to realise. Turns out I’m not very forgiving. I will not be taken for a fool.

The love yous takes it way over the edge.

How can you ever trust him again?

IME you can't and don't and it's crushing.

Sorry to hear this. I don't think you can trust again, seems like they are very much into each other with I love you's, hearts and beautiful's, if they've always kept in touch then I doubt it is ever going to stop.
You deserve much better.

I'm sorry Op. I couldn't deal with this either, and I'd always be feeling that he's only remorseful because he got caught. I'd always wonder how far it would have gone if I hadn't seen the emails. I agree too that it would be shit to have to 'police' him, you shouldn't have to. He should be trustworthy, and he isn't.

Take care of yourself Op and do what is best for you

I'm sorry to hear what he's done to you.
I found out similar earlier today involving my DP and an old 'friend'.
He's said the whole 'I'll do anything to regain your trust' but it's hard isn't it.
I hope you manage to decide to do what's best for you x x

I don’t think he actually wants to leave (he’s free to go!!) and be with her I think it is a big fantasy but it’s so insulting. The other thing is that it becomes a ‘thing’ if he makes a big show of cutting contact, like a story of doomed love, rather than what it actually is....whatever it is.

I completely understand you not wanting to check on your dh. If he wants your marriage to work then he needs to make the right decisions from here on.

How long had it been going on?
Was your dh in love with her or was he caught up in the flattery of it all?
Has your dh cut all contact?

@faith50 the more intense messaging - last few months. I know she reminds him of really happy, chilled out times when they were 20 at uni etc so the thought of that is what I think he loves - not her. He definitely cares about her a lot & I’m ok with that (well until now!). I’ve got some v close male friends who I’d say I love in the same way as my female friends & with one in particular I’ve had to dial it back with a bit as I know where it could have gone...but I would never have gone there & he did. We’ve been together 20 years so I don’t think some element of looking back on your life & wondering what if etc is completely unreasonable but the carrying on with it is.

I couldn't forgive or forget if my partner said he loved someone else.
Genuinely doesn't matter if he put any part of himself inside any part of her.

I couldn't forgive or forget if my partner said he loved someone else.Genuinely doesn't matter if he put any part of himself inside any part of her.

Same here.

He definitely cares a lot if he said he loved her. The emotional attachment is so hard to get over.

Yes, that’s it for me. It’s the love comments. It’s like he’s smashed the little bubble our relationship was in & now it’s falling apart.