Husband messaging old friend/girlfriend

[Saltycinnamon]

My husband had evidently saved a whatsapp conversation (from last week) then emailed it to himself. The email is synced on an old iPad that I had started using again so I saw the full conversation. The emails all mix up in one inbox so it was unintentional. It’s with an old friend/girlfriend from university (they’re early 40s) who he’s kept in touch with on & off. I know of her. The messages are childishly giddy - nothing explicit but lots of hearts, love yous and beautifuls and ‘making each other smile’ etc etc. I showed him the conversation immediately and he’s on about it being a fantasy, he’s really sorry, loves me etc etc. I feel totally betrayed and numb. I don’t really know what to do. I know they haven’t met up for at least a year and I really don’t think anything physical has happened since they were at uni. I don’t think I’m being naive in that, the messages alluded to it. How do I know he wouldn’t have though? How can I trust him again?

Does anyone have any experience of this or advice?

This is terrible, OP. He emotionally cheated with OW and then emailed the love notes to himself for safekeeping. I really couldn’t respect or stay with my husband if he made such a mockery of me and our marriage.

It is the fact that he gave his heart to another woman.

You asked if you’re making it too big a deal. No! If I had found that stuff then my marriage would be over. The love yous would be it for me. I couldn’t come back from that. The trust has completely gone. That’s a step too far. If she splits with her husband and decides to go for your husband then what will he do? If she says to him “I’ve realised I can’t live without you. I’ve left him. I need you and adore you” what’s he going to do? He’s so into this past rose coloured spectacles love affair that I think you couldn’t trust him to not go there. That’s the key. If he’s not 100% reliable then what’s the point? It’s a shit way too live. You deserve better

I personally think an ex is an ex for a reason so you shouldn’t really remain in contact with them because one thing or another would be a cause for a reminder of a good time you shared with your ex which you may not have experienced with your current partner. ‘I love you’ I think is a really meaningful statement to make which he should only ever make to you in that way with you being his partner and all. I guess we all say ‘I love you’ on a platonic basis to certain friends but there’s a clear difference of whether it’s platonic or romantic and in your case it seems like it’s more on the romantic side. I would class this as a form of cheating and never trust him fully again or find it really hard to which I think is completely justified. The saying is once a cheat always a cheat... Now he’s been caught maybe he would never do anything like this again though as it could make him realise your worth to him and how much you mean to him as a partner but also there’s that thought that he said he loved her so might he just carry on with the messaging but just being more careful not to get caught this time? I think you should take some space away from him, a break of some sort, to see how he deals with it. I know it’s easier said than done as you’ve been together for so long but I think a breather for you is needed to get you back feeling not numb?

You don’t sound like a controlling person OP or even like someone who would demand to check your husbands phone. Your husband giving you licence to check his phone will not only make you feel like his Mother, but make you feel controlling...that’s not you. Can you imagine how it would sound to anyone he told ‘Cinnamon checks my phone’ it paints you, unfairly, as the baddy.

I will not be taken for a fool

That ship has sailed, I am afraid

I am in an identical situation, but I found texts a year ago, when I was nine months pregnant. It was between him and his ex gf from when he was 17-18 yrs old. Sending each other french kissing gifs, talking about how good the sex was between them and that one day they will end up back together (she has DH and two DC's). He was on his knees that day when I found out but after that every time I would bring up how it destroyed me, he would say that I misunderstood those texts and that nothing bad happened. I developed serious anger issues towards him and am now in therapy. Will be breaking up after the lockdown is lifted.

I do think that it depends where is Your line. I tried to push my line, but it clearly didn't work for me.

DH told me he’d been contacted on Fb by an old (35 yrs ago) ex and was honest that he’d been chatting to her. She kept popping up on my FB may be a friend area ( I know that it’s not supposed to be a sign of stalking but I am not on DH friends list and have absolutely no connection to this woman) so I had a look at her site today and found some stupid teenager type posts by DH. Lots of hearts and sharing old memories and songs. My DH is not soppy unless he’s flirting seriously so I decided to be the adult and messaged her politely asking her to back off. I know there’s probably more stuff he’s messaged her on his phone but I’d rather not know at this point. I intend to drip feed and make him sweat. I think it’s lock down fever. He is semi retired and bored so I am hoping he comes to his senses. I am hurt but I am no angel. I have had a massive crush on someone recently but recognised it for what it was and had no intention of wrecking my marriage. It happens but reality hits and you realise how foolish you have been.
His previous ex (28 yrs ago) cheated on him big time and I am surprised that he is prepared to hurt me in the same way.
I can’t bring myself to talk to him at the moment, I need to calm down and work out how I am going to start the conversation.
I have seen some of the gushing crap he has written so presume he’s privately been more confident. I told her I’d screen shot everything, she’s married so it will make her think about it. He sent her a load of photos conveniently erasing my existence. Nothing so fierce as a woman scorned.
I am feeling very hurt at the moment but revenge is always best served cold.

@oralengineer

Why tell her to back off when HE was posting on her page?

OP what happened that they didn’t end up together?
I wouldn’t do anything too rash. Could well be nostalgia and escapism and while inappropriate, never go beyond that.

I think it's sheer escapism and nostalgia for time past. And boredom with all these lockdown restrictions. It's not real.

I think sometimes in your late teens/ early twenties you have these very intense relationships but without the emotional maturity to deal with them and process why things end. This potentially leads to years of a rose tinted glow and almost a false memory of what actually happened. The conversations much later down the line could just be a continuation of that. Almost reverting back to still being 20. I know I could have conversations with my ex twenty years down the line that anyone who didn’t know the history of would be horrified by, but actually weren’t really real.
Honestly, I wouldn’t stress too much- likely hood of it going anywhere is probably very slim.

Missmarks your right we’ve all been there.
Something she made the first contact and has been encouraging him. I’ve looked at messages they’ve sent each other. I’m still too angry to talk to him but I’ve made sure he knows that I know. We are in our 50s and he’s acting like a lovesick teenager. What’s worse is that his last girlfriend from 28yrs ago cheated on him and has always hated this sort of behaviour. He would not speak to his brother for some time after he cheated on his girlfriend. He’s always been so judgemental and hates lies.
He’s now sleeping on the settee so will see what tomorrow brings.
I could have dealt with a shag for old times sake ( I have slightly different moral boundaries regarding sex) but emotions are different.

I decided to be the adult and messaged her politely asking her to back off

No. Tackle him, she has no responsibility towards you.

Well tackled him and he’s come up with a story which does have some truth in it but he’s on a sticky wicket. If it is true then me messaging her was exactly what he was planning. Apparently she has been trying to reconnect for a few years and originally got his work contact through her job which is a whole different issue ( she works for a gov dept so data control breach) I would be more inclined to believe him if it if it was his other ex who did stalk me for some years ( whole different sad story) .
He’s not that special, for anyone reading this, but the ex who is now contacting him cheated on him, and he is very black and white about lies and cheating ( I suspect it’s cause of his Achilles heal with relationships and it took him a long time to fully trust me) so it has surprised me. He’s certainly not of the hook.
Maybe it is closure for him, slightly childish, but they do say revenge is a dish best served cold. Having been with him for 28yrs this is his style.
I suspect it may be closure for the hurt he has carried deep down. As someone said we struggle to process these emotions in our late teens.
I still have a few people that I would like to stick two fingers up at even now. Those intense feelings don’t just disappear because they impact us so had.

I caught my DH doing this twice a few years ago. It destroyed my trust in him & I am struggling to forget what he said: same sort of stuff - hearts, smiles etc but also serious, sexy flirting from her. Thankfully she lives abroad so practically it is impossible for them to have a physical relationship.
I'm convinced it would have escalated as an EA & via phone if I hadn't seen the messages.
It still hurts me to the core when I think about it & is one of the reasons that I have very low self esteem, knowing that he can contact her every time he feels a "gap" in our relationship; despite him telling me that he won't, I find it hard to believe him.

Obviously he needs to cut all contact with her immediately, without hesitation.

Hopefully this was his very first suggestion (that came from him and not your request). If there is any hint of him trying to maintain a friendship with her then it would be game over for me immediately.

I feel sorry for you, but you seem strong enough to not need any pity. Men are so cringe with the things they say to other women.

I think he maybe needs a good fright to be honest. Get those bags packed!

I do love that you're making no demands from him, keep that up! If you start controlling his every move then it will only make him yearn for this wee bint even more. Be strong.

Our spouses/partners should not be declaring their love to anyone else. No woman wants to hear her spouse/partner has given his heart to another. Too painful to come back from.

Thanks everyone and I’m sorry this has happened to others too.

I think the intense nostalgia that someone (sorry I can’t see who!) mentioned above is exactly right. They dated for a few months but it was a heady few months of uni, 90s, raving and so on which is quite the opposite of life now!

I am not messaging her as that makes him into a prize. He’s a prize dickhead currently! I can see why others would though. I’m not fighting for him, that’s the wrong way round.

I would be surprised if he has any intention of going anywhere! It will be the thrill and excitement. The thing with first relationships like this is they never really get to the bad part before they fizzle out, and the memories become so fuzzy you forget all the crap things that did happen, or make excuses for it.

He told another woman that he loves her when he’s married to you. That alone would break me more than knowing they’ve had sex etc, has he explained why he said these things? Men rarely throw out an I love you to a woman they fancy/want to bed so id be questioning why he apparently feels so strongly for this OW.

If you’re going to stay you need to make the boundaries clear. He can have women as friends but any more and he’s out. No passwords until you can trust him and block her off everything.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with message a friend from the past. Through Facebook, I’ve connected with loads of uni friends from the 80s, both make and female, and we’ve been reminiscing about the past.

However, this has mainly been on an informal, alumni site, rather than private message. An odd heart emoji wouldn’t bother me, if it looked like it was being used as a ‘like’ indicator. However, repeated use of love you, beautiful etc, would certainly get my tingle senses tingling.